AIBU to be upset by my boyfriend's behaviour towards me and nephew?

[Brooklynboys]

My boyfriend has been a dick for the last few weeks. He’s giving up smoking and has been short and snappy with me. He’s made me cry at least once every day with the sheer nastiness. He excuses this saying “you try giving up smoking after 20 years”.

I came home from work on Monday this week with bad period pains and had to lie down in bed. I was asleep for about an hour and then got up. When I got up my nephew (who is 6) rang me and asked if I could play a game of chess on the app with him. For context, my nephew is autistic and struggling a lot at school, he has no friends. Me and my brother have started alternating the days we play chess with him so he feels like he has people who care around him. MY sister (nephews mum) is really grateful for this and says nephew tells his teachers about his “chess family”. I cared a lot for nephew when he was a baby and toddler and obviously love him a lot.

Last night boyfriend had friends over and was laughing and joking with them which was nice. Tension from the last few weeks seemed to have eased. He was talking nicely with me and I was having a nice time with friends.

He initiated sex which was fine, but then after he went upstairs and played on his video games. Went back to saying he was tired and had a long day. Then I caught him staring at me with a blank face when I was making tea, I asked if he was ok, didn’t reply. The look made me feel uneasy, I can’t explain it. It was like a look of hatred.

He started snapping again about minor stuff, including why I was drying my hair when it was hot. Then was saying I was taking up too much room on the couch.

I asked him about his different mood now his friends had gone. His reply was “you’re different with people too. You came home sick Monday but then magically woke up and could play chess with some kid”

The “some kid” comment really upset me. Hes not some kid, he’s family and so lonely. He loves time with his auntie?

I feel so sad, my nephew is a beautiful little boy and values this gone so much. Why can my boyfriend be so happy with his friends, happy to have sex and then become a moody ass again?

He said I was over sensitive and needy. He said I’m making him feel bad for no reason and he’s not in a mood. I’m at a loss

Also he’s met nephew loads of times. We’ve been together 3 years

It's very often part of an abusive partners profile to be a different person in public than in private relationships. He's clearly shown you who he is by words and deeds. There's nothing to work out here except:

1. How to break up quickly and cleanly
2. How to accept this will be your life - with probably escalating behaviour and contemptuous attitude.

Good luck OP. I really hope you go with 1.

3 years too long. Show him the door. He's not going to improve.

Looking at you with contempt.. you irritating him by minor normal things..

I think that either:

1. He has the ick/lost attraction.

1. There's someone else he fancies so is making you a 'villain' of some sort to stop feeling guilty.

1. When he started talking to you like shit and being mean, seeing you 'put up with it' has made him lose respect for you. If he's been able to treat you badly and talk to you like crap and you accept it, then his standard for how he has to treat you has lowered. He knows he doesn't have to bother with pleasentaries and manners anymore, unless he wants sex or is in front of other people.

Just my guess.

your nephew sounds much nicer than your boyfriend, I know who I would stick with.

He’s trying to get a reaction so that he’s justified in having a cigarette so that he can blame you for his failure.

Don't accept this abusive behaviour from him.

This man is emotionally abusive.

He is making you second-guess yourself, and feel like you're walking on eggshells. Stopping smoking is not an excuse consistently being mean, holding petty grudges that make you out to be the bad guy, or looking at you with hatred.

Did this all really only start after he gave up smoking?

I obviously don't know the full picture, but this is not how anyone should have to live. Please consider leaving him.

My exh decided to stop smoking the first day of the kids school holidays. He was absolutely vile.

Not an excuse to accept being abused though. Is he doing it through a dr plan or cold turkey?
He needs to do a proper programme or move out..

Or both

That looking at you with hatred and contempt thing - that won't change.

You deserve better. Like someone who looks at you with love and admiration.

Get rid

Wondering the reason for giving up smoking? Driven by you, him or someone else

I don't think I've ever said this on here before because it's overused but LTB. You deserve a good life surrounded by people who love and value you. He's not one of those people.

Bin him. He’s nasty

He's horrible, I gave up smoking last year after 20+ years, actually cold turkey, and didn't make anyone cry, never mind daily.

You can do better, dump him

Bin the boyfriend but carry on being fabulous auntie.

Your boyfriend sounds horrible. Don't stay with someone who treats you badly!

He’s a gaslighting verbally abusing prick. He doesn’t care about your nephew and doesn’t seem to like you at all.

When someone looks at and speaks to you with that kind of contempt it’s a one way street to the end, potentially with more abuse.

You need to work on a timeline for exiting that relationship I’m afraid @Brooklynboys.

You sound like a loving caring person - don’t waste that on arsehole.

I'm torn because I found giving smoking really awful and it probably turned me into a complete bitch.

It was a long time ago but I suspect I reined it in and didn't let everyone around me suffer though. I suspect as @Wherethedogsits says he is trying to get you to agree it would be for the best all round if he had a cig.

You don't have to put up with that shit though for any reason.

So he can be nice to his friends but CHOOSES to be nasty to you.

Honestly tell him to FO. You don't need this bastard.

My DGF gave up smoking after being on 60 a day for 50 years. Never a single grumpy comment to his family. But he was a thoroughly decent man, and I’m afraid your boyfriend isn’t.

This isn't about your nephew or chess. It's not even about his friends. It's about how he talks to you, behaves towards you. It's not acceptable, it's not loving or valuing you, it's not being part of a team.

I said YABU, meaning to stay with this twat. He’s not the one!

Honestly op after putting up with things like this when i was younger - I wouldn never entertain it now! I had a long term boyfriend at 24 and i broke up with him after a night out because he got annoyed that i was talking to loads of people at my cousines wedding we had gone to together that night and we came home and he was telling me I was ignoring him and how dare I etc etc - I told him to just get his stuff and leave now and never wanted to see him again!

got a hint of the next guy not liking me being out with friends/without him so i dumped him immediately -

any hint of any bullshit and i'm done tbh!

Life is too short

Id deffo end things with someone like this