Children at a funeral

[Catmama23]

My Grandma psssed away recently and her funeral is due to be held in a few weeks in the south of England. I have a toddler and a baby and my partner will be working away the week of the funeral. We live in northern Scotland and I intend to drive down and stay with my parents, who are also attending the funeral, and I am going to have to bring my children. My parents home is 1h30mins from the crematorium. My dad is thrilled they’ll be coming and he’s happy to have them at the funeral. My aunt and uncle however have both demanded the children don’t come. I have no alternative childcare options as I’m 400 miles from home, my in-laws will be over 3 hours away and my family are attending the funeral.

My aunt has done most of the planning for the funeral and has chosen to make it a very somber affair, which in my opinion is not what my grandma would have wanted as she was a lively feisty woman who lived to be 90, her last few years she was quite ill and not herself at all. I’ve spoken to the crematorium who have said I can sit at the back of the very large hall and they have a separate waiting room that will stream the service if I want to take the kids out of the room at any point. They are also happy for kids to attend.

i don’t want to cause a scene, I am not close at all to my aunt or uncle but my Grandma was heavily involved in my childhood and I want to pay my respects, even if this means sat alone with the kids at the back or in the next room. For whatever reason most of my cousins won’t be attending despite living 10 minutes away, I’m not close to them either. If the children are noisy i will take them out so speeches aren’t interrupted but I think my Grandma would have loved to see her great grandchildren there. My dad has told them the children are coming and they can suck it up, he has as much right to express his views as his siblings and has conceded on many points to appease them regarding the funeral. I just want to see if I’m being completely unreasonable? In an ideal world they wouldn’t come but what can I do?

Tell your aunt to suck it*. It's your much loved grandmother's funeral, not auntie's special day over which she has guest list control.

*Obv don't tell her to suck it. But politely and firmly tell her that you and your children will be there in person, just as your granny would have wanted.

This exactly
walk in with your dad and sod the aunt and uncle!
sorry for your loss

if it's a public funeral anyone can attend so she can request you don't take your little ones, but she can't stop you taking them.

My FIL passed last year and SIL took her 4month old. Sat at the back like you plan to and went out if needed.

This really is something for the siblings to discuss. I agree with him explaining that you are mindful of leaving. I would actually say that might need to be with any noise even if it laughter.

We do not have your aunts perspective. There seems to be tendency to the worst of the person on the other side- in this case the aunt - jealousy for example. That her own children don’t care as much ..,Maybe it is.

Or maybe someone who is worried that she will break down and doesn’t want children seeing it. Or not ready at the moment for joy and loudness that can come with children.

I’m very used to children at funerals and for the same reasons, several years ago my cousin brought his young children to our grandmas funeral . Even when one loudly said along the lines of ‘yeah I get she’s dead but why is grandma in a wooden box’ everyone just erupted in laughter. She would have LOVED that. Please go, take the children and allow yourself to grieve x

There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking children to a funeral, please don't be put off doing it by your aunt.

I've been to one or two funerals a long distance from home with babies and toddlers OP. As the alternative was not going. And who would l leave them with. You have a right to mourn your own loss.
I think it's respectful to sit near an exit and dash out if there is noise ( in some funerals, others, and I hope mine is one of the latter, it wouldn't matter)

I agree with PPs that it’s about her children not coming, or coming without their kids. So your aunt doesn’t want your Dad’s side look better than hers.
Take your kids but be ready to take them out quickly if necessary.
I would still be polite to your aunt but at the end of the day your dad wants you all to come so you are coming.

Sorry for your loss.

I work in the funeral industry and we did one today with a toddler walking around...when she got restless she was taken out.

My problem is the kids who don't behave and are old enough to know better.

But you take them...clearly you are much more respectful and caring than a lot of your family. I couldn't imagine ever missing my own Nan's and the number of great grandchildren there showed me cousins felt the same

I definitely feel guilty about not seeing her much in the last few years but I’ve had two kids in 2 years and it’s not easy travelling that distance. My youngest is 6 months now and I finally feel I can manage the drive alone with the pair of them.
you are probably right about the effort thing but it’s a shame they see it like that because I’m not trying to make anyone look bad! I’ve got all the time in the world and it’ll be great to have a week with my parents

I think you are spot on to take the children out when your aunt/ uncle speak and be prepared to take them out at the sniff of any noise/ disruption.

Since when were funerals by invite? I don’t understand this, ok maybe tell an ex wife or someone the deceased hated not to attend but I’ve never ever seen or been to a funeral by invite. When my DF died there were a good 100+ people I had never ever seen or met before there. My DF had a long life before i came along, he had a career, social life and people he knew that I would never have known.

To me deaths are announced, Mary died on X date, her funeral will be at X place on X date followed by a gathering at X place. The family ask for no flowers but donate to x charity if you would like. If the family want it small they can say, a small intimate gathering will be held after and so on but I don’t think I’ve ever come across this ever. It feels very spiteful that your aunt and uncle will do this unless it was actually what your grandmother asked for.

Go with your kids.
Sit at the back to make it easier on you and the kids who may need a break, nappy change, bathroom, snack, whatever.
You might miss a lot, but you sound very respectful of your dgm to want to be there to honour her and of others who might not be in the mood to tolerate small children. I'm sorry for your loss. 💐

Thing is, I would be very upset if someone’s toddler decided to clap, dance and boogie at my loved one’s funeral.

OP, as long as you are really prepared to remove your DC at the first sign of disruption, I think it’s okay to take them. But you do have to be ready to go, quickly. I’d probably opt for the waiting room and the stream. That way, I’d feel I was there, but wouldn’t worry about my DC’s behaviour.

Sorry for your loss.

Edit: missing word.

I have mixed feelings about this. I love to include children in all family occasions (hate the idea of child free weddings for example) and I can see what pp mean about bringing life and joy.

But with respect, you are making this about you and your needs, rather than people who have actually lost their mother and are feeling bereft. You chose to live at the opposite end of the country from your grandmother, you weren’t close, you’ve contributed nothing to her care or spent any significant time with her in the latter years. You have fond memories from being a child.

Did your dad care equally for his mother? Or was your aunt the main one dealing with all the strain and stress of an elderly parent?

If so, I think you should respect her wishes as she is the ‘main’ mourner and deserves respect. As for people on this thread suggesting you tell her ‘to do one’, I have no words. Would you really take the advice of horrible people like that?

Thanks for you opinion. I was in fact very close to my grandmother. She was heavily involved in my childhood and I have seen her an equal amount as all my cousins in later years. We are the only family that has routinely invited her on family holidays throughout our life for example. In the last few years my dad has been undergoing cancer treatment and therefore has been the least involved in her care but this is not really his fault. I live in Scotland because my job is highly specialised and my partner and I provide a far higher quality of life here for my children than we could do elsewhere.

I really don’t want to make this about me. I am not intending to turn up and dominate the funeral. I will not be making a speech, I will not be parading my children around or showing them off. Regardless of what she says to me on the day I won’t be rising to it. I think all I’m trying to understand is if I turn up, dressed respectfully, prepared to keep my children quiet, keep my children away from family if that’s what they want, is it really so wrong that I sit quietly at the back during my dads speech and then leave? Like is it actually a problem or is the idea the problem? I’m going to be the one noisy crying 🙈

I just struggle with the idea that there is a ‘main’ mourner when I fact it was my Dad who had a fantastic relationship with her? He’s not sat creating rules that make it difficult for people to attend.. should we all jostle for position in our parents later life so we can be the one in charge? surely my aunt is making this all about her and not considering how anyone else feels which is understandable if she is grieving. I am not sure she’d ban her own children from attending with their children if that was their only option.. She’s already got rid of all my grandmother’s possessions without telling our family so there is nothing physical for us to have.

Fair enough op. I can see you won’t change your mind and I do empathise that you have no child care anyway. You’re entitled to pay your respects.

I just know how I felt when my nieces and nephews came out of the woodwork when my father died. None of them had really bothered with him on a regular basis albeit I’m sure they loved him and had fond memories of him. If they’d started to call the shots at his funeral I might’ve lost my shit at the time too.

Just go easy on your aunt. She’s grieving.

As I am 'of an age', I have been to far more funerals than I would really have liked to
There are no 'invitations'. The details of the funeral are told to various people, they in turn tell others, and so on. Anyone can go. Many times young children have been in attendance, some of the have been the children of the deceased, unless there was a screaming baby, most people have been more than happy to accept youngsters asking questions etc.. I remember 2 young cousins at the wake saying it was a lovely party, nobody thought it was rude. Go, OP, mourn your GM with your children and your DF.

I really don't like the sound of your aunt. Certainly she may have her reasons but it seems like she really has taken against your side of the family. Does she resent your father for not being so able to assist with care for their mother?

Seems fair to me that you come and grieve your grandmother together with your children but are prepared to move them to the waiting room at the first sign of any noise or disruption. That's a decent compromise.

Nobody should be excluded from paying their respects unless they really did the deceased and their family a great wrong, or are only there to cause trouble.

I think it’s perhaps a bit of that and maybe some jealousy around their personal
circumstances. They’ve both worked in the same industry but in different capacities and she likes to belittle his field in front of anyone who will listen when they’re in earshot. She also cancelled my grandparents Sky subscription (that they paid for from
their pension) because she thought it was a waste of (their) money. Poor grandad spent ages trying to get it to work so he could
watch the golf. She’s a peculiar woman

What you have suggested sounds perfect
sit near the back and duck out when the toddler kicks off