Children at a funeral

[Catmama23]

My Grandma psssed away recently and her funeral is due to be held in a few weeks in the south of England. I have a toddler and a baby and my partner will be working away the week of the funeral. We live in northern Scotland and I intend to drive down and stay with my parents, who are also attending the funeral, and I am going to have to bring my children. My parents home is 1h30mins from the crematorium. My dad is thrilled they’ll be coming and he’s happy to have them at the funeral. My aunt and uncle however have both demanded the children don’t come. I have no alternative childcare options as I’m 400 miles from home, my in-laws will be over 3 hours away and my family are attending the funeral.

My aunt has done most of the planning for the funeral and has chosen to make it a very somber affair, which in my opinion is not what my grandma would have wanted as she was a lively feisty woman who lived to be 90, her last few years she was quite ill and not herself at all. I’ve spoken to the crematorium who have said I can sit at the back of the very large hall and they have a separate waiting room that will stream the service if I want to take the kids out of the room at any point. They are also happy for kids to attend.

i don’t want to cause a scene, I am not close at all to my aunt or uncle but my Grandma was heavily involved in my childhood and I want to pay my respects, even if this means sat alone with the kids at the back or in the next room. For whatever reason most of my cousins won’t be attending despite living 10 minutes away, I’m not close to them either. If the children are noisy i will take them out so speeches aren’t interrupted but I think my Grandma would have loved to see her great grandchildren there. My dad has told them the children are coming and they can suck it up, he has as much right to express his views as his siblings and has conceded on many points to appease them regarding the funeral. I just want to see if I’m being completely unreasonable? In an ideal world they wouldn’t come but what can I do?

I find babies and children bring cheer and hope to an otherwise sad day

So your aunt and uncle are basically saying you have to miss your grandmother's funeral because you have children? I'd tell them to do one. Sit at the back, arm yourself with chocolate buttons and wotsits and be prepared to nip out if they get noisy. In my experience, people love to see children at a wake - it lifts the mood and gives everyone something to smile about!

The only bit you're being unreasonable about is the drive. Can you fly down instead? Send or buy spare car seats to your parents if they don't have them already?

I think seeing your little ones will bring some joy to relatives on an otherwise sad day? You are not being unreasonable at all.

My dad irish/scottish thinks children should never attend a funeral or a graveside. When my mum passed away my children were 3 and 5 and had to rely on my lovely neighbours watching them. Last year myself, dad and wee girl went to help my dad tend the grave (I normally help him every 2 weeks, this time she asked to come). She is now 10 and mum had passed 7 years by then so thought it would be ok...nope, I got it in the ear, its not a place for children. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I dont get it at all.

Agreed. Go. You and your children have every right to be there.

X

Go and bring your children, your Dad has approved it. If she makes any snidey comment to you ask her a straight out is it guilt she's feeling for not having a good relationship with her own mother.

Aww appreciate the concern! My plan is to do it over 2 days so maximum 4 hours a day. My rough strategy is drive an hour, stop for a play and a snack, drive an hour and a half and stop for lunch and then hopefully do the last hour and 30 while they nap, they love a car nap. And because I’m on mat leave there’s zero time pressure so we can always stop at my in-laws in northern England and friends on the way past if it’s too much. And my partner will get the train down when he’s finished work and we’ll drive home together. I did look at flights but where they are in the East Midlands they’re so far from all regional airports.

If the any of the principle mourners (the children of the deceased) do not want your baby and toddler there you should respect that. You may or may not be right about what your grandmother would have wanted, but her children are closer relatives and this is their call. Explain to your Dad that you don't want to upset anyone so you intend to respect your Aunt and Uncles wishes. If he feels strongly he can talk to his brother and sister. I think by pushing the point you are centring yourself rather than the people who are mourning the loss of their Mum. Your opinion on the way your Aunt has gone about arranging the funeral is irrelevant and a bit disrespectful. I hope you don’t intend to share this view with anyone except MN It’s not your call.

Same. My mother took me to many funerals and I learned how to behave at them. I have also taken my DC to lots of funerals and they learned how to conduct themselves there.
I was very touched when they carried the coffin at a dear relative’s funeral recently.
(NB they are 19 and 21 now!)

Appreciate hearing a different point of view. I have no intention of upsetting them and that is why I began this thread to check my thoughts are reasonable but I think I’m struggling to understand how sitting quietly at the back of the room and leaving if the children make any noise is going to upset anyone?
I think my comments around my aunt are pretty well informed. We will have no relationship with her going forward but I respect it is her mother and I am not interested in making a scene and if the majority responded telling me I’m wrong I’d take that on the chin and not attend. I’d like to know how to attend in a way that enables me to pay my respects to a woman I loved deeply whilst not creating drama, I have no desire to argue in front of my children.

I think I’d be also interested to know if funerals invites are typically drawn up on a ‘who we don’t want’ basis, or would it be healthier for each principal mourner to decide who they would like there for emotional support and extend invites accordingly, but on the understanding that children are appropriately supervised? I could understand a spouse having the final say but surely siblings are all equal. I’m sure there is no family where absolutely everyone gets on so giving people a veto on attendees seems a recipe for disaster at an already emotional time..

I definitely think your aunt is being a bit unreasonable. If this was my family I think they’d be more than happy to entertain my toddler while I tended to the newborn or vice versa during the service.
We have always allowed children to come to the wake after a funeral and it’s a breath of fresh air seeing the kids playing and meeting family they wouldn’t normally see. Hope your dad sticks to his guns, he sounds lovely.

I can understand why the aunt doesn't want them there, and she is entitled to manage her grief however she sees fit. But you are also correct that you and your dad are equally entitled to your grief and being there to say goodbye.

You have clearly no other options but to bring them - and you are prepared to take them to this other room if necessary, which I think is more than fair on your part. What your aunt is proposing is either you or another family member not attend your grandmothers funeral, and that's not a fair demand for her to make, regardless of her grief.

Thank you, he is not perfect but he has a good heart. He has recently had multiple operations, chemotherapy and radiotherapy and has been declared cancer free. Throughout his treatment my aunt and uncle told him he wasn’t doing enough to support his parents. They sold his parents house without telling him (I am unsure how as he has joint power of attorney). He has asked for meetings to discuss their care and they have both said there’s no point meeting, there’s nothing to talk about. You’ll only get my side to this story unfortunately, I would LOVE to know their side and how they could ever think they’re justified. I think two little girls at a funeral after a bad two years isn’t a crime.

I think that this may be key.
There's no hierarchy of grief, your aunt has no right to dictate to you. Take the children and say your goodbyes. I'm sorry for your loss. My granny died over ten years ago at the age of 99 and I still miss her.

In general I'm firmly on the side of children at funerals. I'm northern irish and funerals have always been open events where anyone who wants to can attend and pay respects at the church. Graveside and family home after is different but all and sundry welcome at the funeral with sandwiches in the church hall after. That's what I hope to have.

That said I know it's not the same everywhere and funerals can be private family affairs. I think you have been very respectful researching how to manage your children if there is an issue and following the wishes of your father.

That said grief can do funny things to people and I do think it can be very difficult and end relationships. My husbands great uncle died and he was a private man who didn't want fuss. He had three children. One of the daughters had done all the caring. She sorted his affairs, looked after him, sorted hospice and fully arranged the funeral. He hadn't stated exactly what he wanted but a small, quiet gathering was in keeping. Well one of the sons who had been a 'ill pop round for a cuppa every couple of months no phone calls' kinda son and had done nothing to help started insisting on things his way including a more substantial funeral with lots of people. We thought the kids were lovely but they do change the atmosphere. It was very difficult and a lot of resentment came to the surface. The daughter felt she had done everything and was now being ignored when she was with her dad more to know his wishes. The son felt he had every right to grieve and remember as he wanted and that was with extended family and friends. That side of the family don't speak anymore and it was a real shame that living relationships were lost over neither side being willing to listen, understand or compromise.

That is clearly not what is going on in your situation but perhaps if possible your dad could try and understand a little more about why she has these issues and reassure her youve already made steps to ensure there's no disruption but ultimately you do want to pay your respects.

I think my Grandma would have loved to see her great grandchildren there.

There's you're answer love xx

Sorry for your loss ♥️

At my nanny's funeral there were about 25 kids - all her great grandkids, her great nieces and nephews, her cleaner brought her kids (my nan had known their mom before they were born!), neighbours and their kids....it was two weeks before xmas and my dad and aunt hired a huge hall for the wake with a bouncy castle. Kids were all between about 9 months old and 13 and my nan would have LOVED having them all there, making noise and making a sad occasion a little bit more joyful. When the bouncy castle randomly deflated, one of the 8 year old kids said 'nanna, pack it in and stop haunting us!', and we all cracked up. They were all good as gold during the funeral, and even if they weren't, my nanny would have haunted us if we had dared tell them to 'stop being children'.

Perhaps I suggest I stay out for whenever they want to do their speeches and I then bring the children in when my dad speaks? To me it feels a bit like they’re making a mountain out of a molehill but I’d like to have some sort of solution in place before I stick the kids in the car and drive 400 miles.

Mine weren't welcome at one i went to (i didn't bring them), but i thought it was strange, and the whole point is to get the family together??

I recently went to a funeral which was at a crematorium, and it was requested that children did not attend also.
I sat in the room next door to the service with my children, and the service was live streamed on screen and it was perfect. It's only for around 30-40 mins, then afterwards I joined the wake as normal.

I strongly suspect the issue is jealousy. You're prepared to make this effort and it sounds like aunt's own children are not. Perhaps she's already been told by her daughters that the children won't be taken out of school. Perhaps the daughters themselves aren't going? Who knows but clearly something more is going on.
Or is it that you haven't made the effort when Granny was still alive to bring the children down and aunt knew that bothered her? Obviously I've no idea if you did or didn't, just throwing out ideas!

I'm afraid I disagree that the aunt being 'principle mourner' means she gets a veto. Well I don't as such if all the children of deceased agreed, but in this case one of the children, your dad, wants them there. Why do his sister's principle mourner rights come above his?

I think I'd take them but be very prepared with snacks and quiet toys and going to the other room provided. Sadly it does mean you might miss bits.

How lucky you are to be surrounded by these people and I’m sorry for your loss. Our family will never be like this and we’re all to blame I suppose but we all love a party and we all love a bouncy castle and we all love kids (just not together as a family it seems). Maybe I need to get off mumsnet and extend an olive branch rather than just asking if I’m justified 😂

Totally agree. Same with weddings I suppose. In my book the joining of a couple is the joining of families and the creation of family, so excluding children is bizarre, but I recognise that is definitely not a view everyone shares. So clearly some people would also feel differently about funerals.