Children at a funeral

[Catmama23]

My Grandma psssed away recently and her funeral is due to be held in a few weeks in the south of England. I have a toddler and a baby and my partner will be working away the week of the funeral. We live in northern Scotland and I intend to drive down and stay with my parents, who are also attending the funeral, and I am going to have to bring my children. My parents home is 1h30mins from the crematorium. My dad is thrilled they’ll be coming and he’s happy to have them at the funeral. My aunt and uncle however have both demanded the children don’t come. I have no alternative childcare options as I’m 400 miles from home, my in-laws will be over 3 hours away and my family are attending the funeral.

My aunt has done most of the planning for the funeral and has chosen to make it a very somber affair, which in my opinion is not what my grandma would have wanted as she was a lively feisty woman who lived to be 90, her last few years she was quite ill and not herself at all. I’ve spoken to the crematorium who have said I can sit at the back of the very large hall and they have a separate waiting room that will stream the service if I want to take the kids out of the room at any point. They are also happy for kids to attend.

i don’t want to cause a scene, I am not close at all to my aunt or uncle but my Grandma was heavily involved in my childhood and I want to pay my respects, even if this means sat alone with the kids at the back or in the next room. For whatever reason most of my cousins won’t be attending despite living 10 minutes away, I’m not close to them either. If the children are noisy i will take them out so speeches aren’t interrupted but I think my Grandma would have loved to see her great grandchildren there. My dad has told them the children are coming and they can suck it up, he has as much right to express his views as his siblings and has conceded on many points to appease them regarding the funeral. I just want to see if I’m being completely unreasonable? In an ideal world they wouldn’t come but what can I do?

You are being reasonable, I hope the service remembers all the good things about your grandmother and sorry for your loss.

I would definitely take the kids but just be prepared to leave the service if they start making any noise.

Personally I always went to funerals as a child as did my cousins, and so have my children. I find it strange the idea of excluding children.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm assuming this is your Dad's mum. He said it's fine. So you all go.

You have plans for the side room if necessary.

Leave your aunt to speak to you dad.

Reassured already that I’m not a terrible person. My aunt said to my dad ‘why would she want to upset everyone by bringing the children?’… the only people attending and her and her husband, my uncle and his wife and my parents. And all of them are grandparents! I didn’t know babies and toddlers were so offensive 🤔

My families Irish, I’ve been attending funerals since I was a baby. No one I know would bat an eye at children being there.

Agree with your DF, tell aunt and uncle to fuck off she’s your grandmother, you can take your children with you.

Same.

I'm in my late 50s and I don't think I've ever attended a family funeral where kids were not present.

What more comforting and joyful thing could there be at a funeral than the sight of the deceased's little great grandchildren toddling around?
I think your aunt is being bizarre.

Absolutely take them. It's not up to other family members. We lost my mother in law suddenly before Christmas and we took my 12 month old and 6 year old to it. They were SO well behaved and all of the extended family were happy they were there. It cheered people up and that's what my MIL would have wanted. Funerals are to celebrate the lives of those passed. Just be prepared to leave quickly if either children get fussy. Sorry for your loss.

Are her children (assume same sort of age as you) not attending?

When my DM died suddenly 20 years ago, our DS’s were 6 and 3 , she was a huge part of their lives and no-one could have stopped me taking them to her funeral.
My siblings and my DF sat with our boys, think they kept my DF upright….
4 years later my DF died and we had a 6 month old daughter too, they all came to the funeral, our eldest was so brave, he was very close to his GD,
they both had catholic funeral services followed by a crematorium service,
It felt soo important to me to have them all there, I dont regret it at all
Children were very important to both my parents, they had 6 of us!
Take your children, follow your DF’s wishes

I don’t see as you have any other choice. No, it’s not deal, but it is what it is. Your aunt will just have to accept it. Sounds like you’ve got good plan B if the kids end up being a bit noisy.

I agree. Unfortunately I think it’s about control. My aunt and grandmother had a strained relationship and it’s like she’s determined to erase all the joy by having a very muted affair with no friends invited and no wake. Not at all what my Grandmother would have wanted.

That’s so sad. People do very strange things when they’re grieving.

She talks in riddles but she said something like ‘I won’t think any less of them if they don’t come’. Her son in his 30s has a newborn and she has daughters in their 30s/40s with school age children and local in-laws who I assume will have the kids if they do decide to come.

Of course it's fine for them to be there. You've got a plan if you need to take them out so no issue as far as I can see

Definitely okay to go but sit near the door and be ready to leave if needed.

I took 3 yo DS to my Grandads and he managed most of the service but ended up restless towards the end. I did the silent 'sshhhh' sign and he shouted "no i won't shhhh' towards the end 🙈. My Grandad lived for his great-grand kids and would have cracked up at that and it did make everyone giggle.

I did opt out of the graveside part though as he was nearly climbing the walls by that point .

When my mother died my oldest had just turned 6

He announced himself as the representative of the Grandchildren.

We waited for the service to start and my brothers and I had a 'dress rehearsal' for acting as pallbearers. My son asked if we were putting a shovel in the coffin 'in case she came alive again' There would have been a lot of questions if we had put a fire extinguisher in my dads coffin - he was cremated.

When he and his cousin were babies they went to their Great Grandfathers funeral (Mothers side) and it was as it should be

Wonder if she’s a bit jealous in a weird way about you making such a huge effort to go and her local children not doing the same?
anyway I’d go and take them as she was your grandma too.

What more comforting and joyful thing could there be at a funeral than the sight of the deceased's little great grandchildren toddling around?
Exactly- all part of your Grandma's legacy.

My MIL didn't want children at FIL's funeral and, despite not feeling the same way, close family complied with her wishes. A cousin and a neighbour attended with their DC (having not known MIL's stipulation) and this made those of us who had not included our, closely related to FIL, DC very sad that our children had not had a chance to share a goodbye with everyone who loved their grandad.

Just a thought. You said you were driving down. Have you considered the train instead? It’s an awful long way on your own with littlies. So sorry for your loss.

We took my daughter to 3 funerals- the first she was 20ish months- she clapped and danced when the curtain went round the coffin
The 2nd she was maybe 3 and had a really good boogie to songs and was really cute
The last was my dads- she was taken out by some family friends who arranged some activities for his grandchildren if they got distressed- the 5 of them made love hearts about why they loved him, and sang and danced!!!
However there was one when she was 14months she didn't go into as she was crying and grumpy when we got there (she toddled around the gardens)....

I chuckled at this, children have a way of making things brighter don’t they! I’ve been showing my DD pics of my grandmother and she goes ‘why is she gone? Did you kick her?’, like she’s just off getting nursery first aid and she’ll be back to play any second.
I am sorry for your loss and for your children to lose out on time with their grandparents.

Ignore them and take the kids.

I think it's a wonderful tribute to your grandma to bring the kids, easy to pop in near the back and go out of necessary.