I'm looking for some outside perspectives because I'm starting to question myself.
We have a 4-month-old who is formula fed. At the moment, I do all of the night feeds, even on nights before my partner has a day off.
I also want to be fair. My partner works full-time and has Ankylosing Spondylitis. I haven't said anything about him starting the gym again because I genuinely hope it'll help him feel better both mentally and physically. I know exercise can help him, and if he's feeling happier, I think it'll benefit all of us.
One morning, I fed our son, changed him and settled him back to sleep. My partner got up later, listed a few items on Vinted that he's hoping to resell, went to post some parcels and brought us home breakfast.
After breakfast, he left the packaging on the dining table and later went upstairs for a nap. I went upstairs to get some washing, expecting him to be asleep by then, but he was still awake. I asked if, after he'd had his nap, he could clear away the breakfast packaging and bring the empty water bottles he'd left beside the bed downstairs to be recycled.
He became angry and called me selfish.
The thing is, this isn't really about one bit of rubbish. I could easily have thrown it away myself. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm expected to clean up after another adult.
I've recently stopped picking up his dirty socks and underwear from around the house and stopped automatically tidying up after him because I don't think that should be my responsibility. I've spoken to him about how it makes me feel before. His response is usually that I only have to ask and he'll do it, but I don't feel I should have to keep asking for basic things like putting clothes in the laundry basket or throwing away rubbish.
During the argument, he also told me I was "not cut out to be a wife."
He often calls me selfish or controlling. I do like the house to be clean and tidy, but I don't think my expectations are excessive.
For example, one reason he has called me selfish before was because we both woke up when the baby needed feeding and I didn't ask if he was okay. I later found out he'd been having heart palpitations, but at the time I had no idea. I was also in pain with my back and was focused on feeding and settling our baby.
To be fair to him, he works hard, buys breakfast or treats sometimes, and says he's trying to contribute by making extra money through Vinted. I do appreciate those things.
I don't mind doing the general household jobs like washing up, laundry and cleaning. What I'm struggling with is feeling like I also have to pick up after another adult. Combined with doing all of the night feeds and a lot of the day-to-day parenting, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed.
I'm genuinely looking for balanced opinions because I don't want this to become an echo chamber where everyone simply agrees with me. If I'm expecting too much, I'd like to hear that too.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting him to clean up after himself and share more of the mental and physical load of family life, or am I missing his perspective?