AIBU to expect my partner to clean up after himself?

[JFavKnight]

I'm looking for some outside perspectives because I'm starting to question myself.
We have a 4-month-old who is formula fed. At the moment, I do all of the night feeds, even on nights before my partner has a day off.
I also want to be fair. My partner works full-time and has Ankylosing Spondylitis. I haven't said anything about him starting the gym again because I genuinely hope it'll help him feel better both mentally and physically. I know exercise can help him, and if he's feeling happier, I think it'll benefit all of us.
One morning, I fed our son, changed him and settled him back to sleep. My partner got up later, listed a few items on Vinted that he's hoping to resell, went to post some parcels and brought us home breakfast.
After breakfast, he left the packaging on the dining table and later went upstairs for a nap. I went upstairs to get some washing, expecting him to be asleep by then, but he was still awake. I asked if, after he'd had his nap, he could clear away the breakfast packaging and bring the empty water bottles he'd left beside the bed downstairs to be recycled.
He became angry and called me selfish.
The thing is, this isn't really about one bit of rubbish. I could easily have thrown it away myself. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm expected to clean up after another adult.
I've recently stopped picking up his dirty socks and underwear from around the house and stopped automatically tidying up after him because I don't think that should be my responsibility. I've spoken to him about how it makes me feel before. His response is usually that I only have to ask and he'll do it, but I don't feel I should have to keep asking for basic things like putting clothes in the laundry basket or throwing away rubbish.
During the argument, he also told me I was "not cut out to be a wife."
He often calls me selfish or controlling. I do like the house to be clean and tidy, but I don't think my expectations are excessive.
For example, one reason he has called me selfish before was because we both woke up when the baby needed feeding and I didn't ask if he was okay. I later found out he'd been having heart palpitations, but at the time I had no idea. I was also in pain with my back and was focused on feeding and settling our baby.
To be fair to him, he works hard, buys breakfast or treats sometimes, and says he's trying to contribute by making extra money through Vinted. I do appreciate those things.
I don't mind doing the general household jobs like washing up, laundry and cleaning. What I'm struggling with is feeling like I also have to pick up after another adult. Combined with doing all of the night feeds and a lot of the day-to-day parenting, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed.
I'm genuinely looking for balanced opinions because I don't want this to become an echo chamber where everyone simply agrees with me. If I'm expecting too much, I'd like to hear that too.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting him to clean up after himself and share more of the mental and physical load of family life, or am I missing his perspective?

Yes he takes zapain everyday. It's usually worse in the morning and evening. He's also getting heart palpitations which the doctor said its most likely to do with anxiety which they have given him tablets for and he says they have been working. Before i fell pregnant he sometimes falls asleep on the sofa after coming home from work. So that hasn't changed. I think his health issues has got worse after given birth. He's been going back and forth with doctors, having MRI scans, endoscopy procedures. And I do feel bad and thats why I never said anything about him going back to the gym for over an hour hoping it would make him better and put him in a better mood. Because before he met me he use to have bad flare ups until he started eating healthy and going gym regularly. He's currently going physio so I'm praying his AS will be more manageable. This is why I don't mind doing majority of the household chores because I don't want him to get worse. But picking up after himself shouldn't really be hard. Every morning he'll leaves his dirty socks by the sofa (he'll transfer to the sofa after his back starts hurting in the middle of the night). The socks really annoy me so I just leave them there. I know it's silly but it's like this everyday. Small things like this annoy me but it all builds up. And that's why I keep questioning myself am I being too much.

You are not controlling. Neither are you this man's personal servant
Does he think he is living in Downton Fecking Abbey. You are under reacting to this situation. Socks! I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it. Fucking socks!

Zapain would make him tired and as time goes on that isn't going to get any better. I think the conversation should be about making minium work, so tidying as he goes and keeping life simple. Have you planned for the toddler years, if he can't bend etc? Did you get pregnant realising that it couldn't be 50/50, or has the amount of work a baby takes come as a surprise? That isn't unusual, a newborn is both physical and emotional.

Hi op who picked up for him before you moved in together. He’s lazy his pain might be real but he works so he isn’t bed bound so tell him you just need him to respect you and your home. If it bothers him so much maybe he needs his own place to be lazy and messy. Op and your not his slave.

Update:
Unfortunately, we had another argument today.
It started when I asked if he wanted to come for a walk with me and our son. We ended up talking while we were getting ready and continued the conversation during the walk.
He asked me what I actually wanted from him, and I said I think we need couples counselling because I don't think we're communicating well anymore.
I also said that I don't want to feel like I'm his mum. I brought up something he'd previously said to me - that he expects me to do everything because I'm the woman. I asked if he still believed that, and he said yes.
I told him that he's rude, inconsiderate, and mean.
He became angry and said, "After everything I do for you." I acknowledged that he works hard, contributes financially towards my mortgage and bills, and provides for the family. I do appreciate that. Problem.os that he says he doesn't feel appreciated.
The argument then became more personal. He called me a spoiled brat because my dad helped me get onto the property ladder when I was younger. It's true that my dad has helped me over the years and I know I'm fortunate, but I've never expected money from him or taken it for granted.
The conversation went nowhere. He walked back home, and I continued the walk with our son.
When he got home he started packing some of his belongings. He also sent me a text saying:
"You're right I am a piece of shit. And I'm a shit fiancé and a shit dad. I will grant your wish and give you what you want. I will leave here and give you peace as this is all my fault... I don't want this to be a horrible break up... Just remember I will always be there for you no matter what... you're my son's mum."
I went home and told him that I had never called him a bad fiancé or a bad dad. Those words came from him, not me.
He later went food shopping. I stayed home and settled our son for a nap. By the time I came downstairs, he wasn't there, so I assume he'd gone next door to watch the football.
At the moment, I honestly don't know where we go from here. I never wanted our relationship to end. What I wanted was for us to communicate better and work together more as parents. But after today's argument, it feels like we may be heading towards separating.
I'm still trying to understand whether this relationship can be repaired or whether we've reached a point where we're making each other unhappy.

In the text he sent you he used I six times. Not a long text. He doesn't see you as anything other than an extension of himself. Best of luck OP.

Your answer is here OP - I brought up something he'd previously said to me - that he expects me to do everything because I'm the woman. I asked if he still believed that, and he said yes.

If that ^ is his mindset you are batting on a losing wicket.

Quite frankly you are better off without him.

Yikes what a prince! I'd let him go. He's not adding much apart from money. Can you manage financially without him?

I think there's a lot of people on here who aren't considering how debilitating AK and chronic pain and lack of sleep can be.

He sounds like an asshole aswell.

I think you need to consider whether or not you're up for being his long term carer.

Tbh he doesnt sound like a great person to have had a child with unless you were prepared to shoulder the vast majority of the load.

I think you need a chat about division of labor asap, and I think you'd probably be better off leaving him.

My husband would never leave rubbish or underwear on the floor and expect me to clean up after him. He also irons all his own shirts and did even when I was off work on maternity or between jobs.

It is basic manners and respect for another person. What would he think if you left your knickers, socks and parcel packaging all round the place for him to pick up?

He’s grumpy because he has behaved badly and you called him out. Of course you are not selfish. This is basic respect. No one wants to sleep with someone who they have to clear up after like this.

As for the house, I bought it before I met him, so I have that security.

You're in a very fortumately position, the house is in your name and you can make him leave.

Make no mistake - if you marry this man or put him on your house deeds, it will be extremely hard to get rid of him.

He will never change, he will never see you as an equal. It would be easier to maintain the status quo. But taking the harder step of a break up now will be much better for you long term.

He sounds like a chauvinist and a massive drama queen. Really unreasonable. You sound both considered and reasonable. I don’t blame you wanting to put this relationship onto a more respectful footing.

Hopefully you are not married as he would then most likely be entitled to half the family property. I would not marry him until his behaviour improves massively. I would get myself a full time job that enables me to be financially independent after 9-12 months maternity leave. Also
if you work full time the man has to help and you can get a cleaner…

Oh lovely, he’s trying to manipulate you with that language. You deserve so much better.

All I can say is in over 40 years of marriage I have never had to pick up anything my DH has left out. Same for him. It's common courtesy. Your DP obviously doesn't like being challenged and that doesn't bode well for the future.

He's raising the stakes hoping you will back down.

Common tactic used against women they perceive as vulnerable IE with a baby.

I have a disability - makes it hard to bend to pick things up from the floor.

Does that mean I leave a trail of destruction for my DH to pick up?

no - it means I have a grabber - that helps me to reach without bending.

I get tired easily and have a lot of pain - does that mean I leave everything to my DH

no - it means I do things slowly, pacing myself and resting as I need - but I pull my weight all be it a bit slower than a non disabled person.

he is being lazy - he can clear up after himself.

don’t allow this behaviour to continue.

being a good mother and a good wife does not equal bring his personal slave.

You are being used, abused and manipulated ,and as long as you are going to tolerated it, it will continue.

He sees you as a skivvy and is determined to treat you as such.

His threats to leave are all brinksmanship to shut you up snd get you to back down.

If you marry him and give him a right to your house you will live to regret it so badly.

He has told you exactly what he thinks of you.

I think you must suffer from very low self esteem to think this is all you and your child deserve.

You need to tell your family the truth, and get him out of your home.
Get back to work.

.

He’s threatening to leave to make you back down. That is manipulation and abuse. Let him go. You will end up being his mother and that will destroy anything you ever felt for him as a man anyway. Your expectation that he picks up after himself is perfectly reasonable. He is a selfish, chauvinistic man baby. Don’t shackle yourself to that.

I’m sorry but I can’t see that what he has done is so bad. I don’t think people realise how severe AS is as a condition and he works in a hard job, does the food shop, does night calls sometimes and manages his pain which is only going to get worse and worse as he ages which physio won’t help while you are bitching about a few socks on the floor whilst on maternity leave. We have this in our family and it’s one of the worst conditions to live with. Poor guy.

brought up something he'd previously said to me - that he expects me to do everything because I'm the woman. I asked if he still believed that, and he said yes.

Does the condition cause a man to become a nasty sexist pig?

I completely appreciate that his job is physically demanding, and I know AS is a lifelong condition. I don't underestimate either of those things. At the same time, being at home with a 4 month old full time is mentally exhausting. I'm not saying my role is harder than his - they're just different.
The socks on the floor are only one example. The issue isn't really about the socks, it's about feeling like I'm responsible for picking up after another adult as well as caring for our son. I've spoken to him about how it makes me feel and asked him nicely to pick up after himself, but the same things keep happening. That's what frustrates me. It makes me feel as though what I'm saying isn't being heard. I also know he spends a lot of time on Vinted trying to make extra money, and I understand his intentions. I just sometimes wish some of that time was spent thinking about things we could do together as a family or sharing more of the day-to-day parenting. That's the bigger issue for me, not a few socks on the floor.

Op the bigger issue you are with a lazy bastard who thinks it’s your job to pick up after him. I seriously would leave everything where he puts them and when he runs out of clean clothes say oh if there not in the wash basket I don’t do them anymore I’m sure I told you but you probably weren’t listening. Also as a man if he lived alone he would have to do everything for himself. He’s using his illness to take advantage of you. Men don’t get out of stuff because they work. Plenty of women work and take care of a house and children and everything else that goes along with being a mom.

YA absolutely NBU, @JFavKnight. I have quite severe osteoarthritis in some joints as well as fibromyalgia. I
in pain all of the time and I am also woken by pain at times (I am always in pain when I wake up anyhow).
There is a whole raft of treatment options available to your OH, which he could access if he pushed for it. Why he hasn’t, I can’t guess.
The point I am making is that how he reacts to his own circumstances is up to him - mentally as well as medically - I had a version of CBT to help me understand how to cope day to day as well as being treated by a pain management team. I also take a wide range of medications which help me to get the most from my life and continue to function.
I can’t help but think that he is choosing to keep things the way they are because it suits him or he is not prepared to put the work in to change things. I know it’s not necessarily easy, but making positive changes would sure be worth it, wouldn’t it? Only you can judge how you feel about that, but I suspect you already have. Being unwell or in pain doesn’t give anyone the right to be an arsehole to the people who are supposed to be their nearest and dearest.

Another update, as I'm genuinely trying to be fair and give the full picture.
Last night, a friend I'd arranged to see weeks ago invited me into London for a few hours. Before I left, I made sure everything was ready for our son. I explained our bedtime routine to my partner and told him exactly how I usually settle him to sleep.
Later in the evening, my partner texted asking where I was because he thought I'd be home by 11pm. I hadn't actually said what time I'd be back, and I didn't think it would matter because our son normally sleeps through until around 3am.
Unfortunately, our son woke up while I was still out. My partner later told me he'd ordered a takeaway and had to go outside with our son to find the delivery driver because they couldn't find the house. By then our son was wide awake and wouldn't settle back to sleep.
When I got home, our son was still awake in his swing watching TV. There was mess on the bed and quite a few used milk bottles that needed washing.
I know things don't always go to plan, and I appreciate that he was looking after our son while I had a night out. I had expected to come home to a sleeping baby and, as he'd ordered a takeaway, I thought there probably wouldn't be much to tidy up. Instead, I came home feeling a bit overwhelmed.
I asked if I could quickly get ready for bed before taking over. I then settled our son, who thankfully went to sleep quite easily.
Today, my partner spent most of the day listing items on Vinted and also had three large boxes of clothes delivered that he's planning to resell. I even bought storage boxes so everything could be kept in the shed.
This is where I'm struggling. I know he's trying to make extra money, and I know he enjoys buying and selling. We're not struggling financially, though, and sometimes I feel as though Vinted takes priority over spending quality time together.
I found myself wishing that, instead of spending most of the day listing items, he'd occasionally say, "Shall we go for a picnic?" or "Let's take our son somewhere this afternoon." I always imagined this stage of our lives being about making memories together as a family, even if it was just something simple and spontaneous.
The other issue is that the stock he's buying and selling often ends up stacked to one side of the living room. I like a clean, tidy home, and I find it stressful when stuff builds up. He says I should be supportive of his hobby and side income. I feel he should also support me by helping to keep the house tidy and not creating extra mess.
Am I expecting too much, or are we just very different people when it comes to priorities and how we want family life to look?