AIBU to expect my partner to clean up after himself?

[JFavKnight]

I'm looking for some outside perspectives because I'm starting to question myself.
We have a 4-month-old who is formula fed. At the moment, I do all of the night feeds, even on nights before my partner has a day off.
I also want to be fair. My partner works full-time and has Ankylosing Spondylitis. I haven't said anything about him starting the gym again because I genuinely hope it'll help him feel better both mentally and physically. I know exercise can help him, and if he's feeling happier, I think it'll benefit all of us.
One morning, I fed our son, changed him and settled him back to sleep. My partner got up later, listed a few items on Vinted that he's hoping to resell, went to post some parcels and brought us home breakfast.
After breakfast, he left the packaging on the dining table and later went upstairs for a nap. I went upstairs to get some washing, expecting him to be asleep by then, but he was still awake. I asked if, after he'd had his nap, he could clear away the breakfast packaging and bring the empty water bottles he'd left beside the bed downstairs to be recycled.
He became angry and called me selfish.
The thing is, this isn't really about one bit of rubbish. I could easily have thrown it away myself. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm expected to clean up after another adult.
I've recently stopped picking up his dirty socks and underwear from around the house and stopped automatically tidying up after him because I don't think that should be my responsibility. I've spoken to him about how it makes me feel before. His response is usually that I only have to ask and he'll do it, but I don't feel I should have to keep asking for basic things like putting clothes in the laundry basket or throwing away rubbish.
During the argument, he also told me I was "not cut out to be a wife."
He often calls me selfish or controlling. I do like the house to be clean and tidy, but I don't think my expectations are excessive.
For example, one reason he has called me selfish before was because we both woke up when the baby needed feeding and I didn't ask if he was okay. I later found out he'd been having heart palpitations, but at the time I had no idea. I was also in pain with my back and was focused on feeding and settling our baby.
To be fair to him, he works hard, buys breakfast or treats sometimes, and says he's trying to contribute by making extra money through Vinted. I do appreciate those things.
I don't mind doing the general household jobs like washing up, laundry and cleaning. What I'm struggling with is feeling like I also have to pick up after another adult. Combined with doing all of the night feeds and a lot of the day-to-day parenting, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed.
I'm genuinely looking for balanced opinions because I don't want this to become an echo chamber where everyone simply agrees with me. If I'm expecting too much, I'd like to hear that too.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting him to clean up after himself and share more of the mental and physical load of family life, or am I missing his perspective?

No one should be expected to pick up after someone.

You know you are not being unreasonable don't you ? His idea of a wife is being a skivvy, someone to clean and tidy so he doesn't have to, lord help us with some of the men on here, they need a short, sharp shock

I agree.
I had one of these useless idiots.
He's now an ex.

Some men think a wife is nothing more than a fuckable domestic appliance.

Hi op he might have a health condition but he is being lazy anyone who works full time doesn’t get a get out of parenting if he lived alone he would have to pick up after himself so yanbu he is. Just tell him being a wife isn’t a good thing but you’re not his mum so he needs to do more. I hate that men think it’s the women’s job to do everything.

My ex was like this, the dreaded if you want me to do something just ask me! He left just before xmas and when i cleared his side of the bed 18 cans of pop, 5 bottles, numerous used tissues and cotton buds, socks and pants. I once left his drinking glasses on his bedside table to see if he would take them....i managed to take mine down every morning and carry a baby/toddler and phone etc. The glasses were there for almost 3 weeks and I gave up cos they were going mouldy!
He moved back in with his parents for a while and commented to me that his mum was doing his washing and i just cringed. Hes since rushed into buying his own place and complained to me about struggling to keep on top of the cleaning and working. This is the same guy who left me saying im a mother not a wife....🙄 I also did all the night feeds, childcare, school runs, sick days, organising birthdays and Christmas etc. He recently said he thinks he made a mistake leaving surprise surprise!

Picking up his dirty underwear off the floor? With a baby to take care of?

This is not going to change OP, no idea what that illness is he has, but why run around with 2 children - one an adult ffs! -

Get your ducks in a row. You may need it in a few years time.

Take it from me. Solo parenting is so much better, if hard, than a useless adult around.

Thanks for your post. I do believe his AS affects his behaviour as he can't sleep well at all, which puts him in a bad mood, and I do feel bad when he does the bottle feed (which is hardly) because his back is aching. Anyway I think the only solution would be to attend couples councelling

Update:
Thank you to everyone who replied to my original post. I've read all the comments, including those that challenged my perspective. I said from the start that I wanted balanced opinions, so I thought I'd update with today because I don't want to only post when things are bad.
Last night one of my friends came down from Manchester to stay over because we were all invited to a BBQ today.
My partner came home late from work. He didn't offer to take over with our 4-month-old, but to be fair I didn't ask him to either. We all went to bed, and then at around 2am he got called out to an emergency gas job (he's an emergency gas engineer, so sometimes he's called out overnight and the work can be physically demanding).
He left around 3am. I assumed he probably wouldn't make the BBQ because I knew he'd be exhausted. He messaged me around 6am to say he was going to his mum's house to sleep because she lives much closer to where he'd been working. He later messaged saying he hadn't managed to get to sleep until around 8:45am but that he still wanted to come to the BBQ because he didn't want me looking after the baby on my own all afternoon.
Before we left, he came upstairs and gave me back my engagement ring. I'd given it back to him after he told me I "wasn't cut out to be a wife" during our previous argument. He asked if I wanted to put it back on. I told him I'd only given it back because what he'd said had really hurt me. He replied that giving him the ring back had hurt him too and that couples argue. We didn't really continue the conversation because my friend was waiting in the garden and we needed to leave.
The BBQ itself was actually nice. We all had a good time. I spent most of it looking after our son, so I didn't get as much chance to catch up with everyone as I'd hoped. One thing I did appreciate was that while I was bottle feeding the baby, my partner was feeding me my BBQ food so I could eat while keeping hold of our son. It was a small gesture, but it was thoughtful.
After about three and a half hours he suggested we head home because the baby had woken up, it was very hot. I would have liked to stay a bit longer as I hadn't really had much chance to see my friends.
On the drive home he said his eyes were closing because he'd had so little sleep. He asked, "You're not going to moan if I have a nap, are you?" I didn't say anything because, in all honesty, I wouldn't blame him for needing one after being called out overnight.
I'm still trying to work out whether I'm expecting too much generally. I can see that he does thoughtful things, and today wasn't all bad. At the same time, I still feel like I carry most of the day-to-day childcare, all of the night feeds, and a lot of the mental load. I'm trying to look at the whole picture rather than judging our relationship on one argument

Bit of a sad update OP. You never get a break and are grateful for scraps. I hope things improve for you.

I agree that the update isn’t painting a picture of a loving man who cherishes and appreciates you and your baby. You deserve better than that. Your comment about him feeding you while you fed the baby as if it’s a significant improvement makes me feel really sad for you. You might have gone to the bbq but you didn’t get to be with your friends because, as usual, you were looking after your baby. Why don’t you expect better? Do you not know any men who are decent fathers?

The bar is set so unbelievably low. Why couldn’t he feed the baby in the shade and allow you to eat and catch up with your friends instead of his performative choice of feeding you as you continue to provide all care for the baby?

I wouldn't class it as an improvement, just something he would automatically do as he knows i was unable to get my food. I did get to spend a little time with my friends whilst he was holding the baby for a bit. And he'll make the bottles for him too. I changed his nappy twice at the bbq as well because naturally I just get up and do it. And I know he'll change his nappy if I asked but I always feel bad asking

If he spent enough time with his baby he’d know when nappies needed changing. Your baby has two parents, you both behave as if you’re the parent and he’s a reluctant occasional babysitter. Why?

I'm trying to look at the whole picture rather than judging our relationship on one argument

One argument, where he said that you "weren't cut out to be a wife". 😮Gee whizz, that's just plain nasty.

My partner came home late from work. He didn't offer to take over with our 4-month-old, but to be fair I didn't ask him to either.

And I know he'll change his nappy if I asked but I always feel bad asking

Why? What is the matter with you? You are both parents so you work as a team. Keep asking until he realises what needs to be done.

I think your bar is really low, OP. Getting food is the bare minimum. He’s a grown ass man who manages to hold down a responsible job. He doesn’t need to be told what to do while he’s looking at a boiler - he can see what needs to be done, so why can’t he see that he needs to put his socks in the wash basket and run the hoover round the place occasionally? The answer is that he does see, he just doesn’t want to do it because he thinks it’s all your job.

I would be concerned that he came to the bbq not because he didn’t want you to be alone and dealing with baby but because he didn’t want others to see you alone and dealing with baby. Same for getting you to put the engagement ring on before going. I think given his condition and the emergency call out job then not being on form during the day is fine and he shouldn’t be driving tired etc (if he was driving). It’s difficult because his condition is going to make it harder for him and you can’t expect him to behave as if he doesn’t have it but it does sound like he wouldn’t be great anyway.

"I would be concerned that he came to the bbq not because he didn’t want you to be alone and dealing with baby but because he didn’t want others to see you alone and dealing with baby. Same for getting you to put the engagement ring on before going."

I agree with this.
He's all "top show" and no substance.

OP, you have made a huge mistake having a child with him.
He sees you as a skivvy maid.

Go back to work asap.
Earn your own money.
Do not not marry him.
This is your life with him and it will only get a lot worse.

What is your housing situation?
Have you any family support?
Can you move back home to your parents?

You need to go away for a few days and leave him looking after the baby solo.

He's not a bad person - he's just lazy, and I don't think he realises how much all the little things add up. It's not just picking up a few bits; it's constantly making sure we've got enough nappies and wipes, keeping on top of the washing, tidying up, and thinking about everything that needs doing. That mental load is exhausting.
I don't even bother cooking much because he's so fussy, and if I'm honest, I'm no Jamie Oliver anyway! I can do simple meals like spag bol, but that's about it. When he says it's "not a big deal" to pick a few things up, it genuinely makes me question whether I'm expecting too much.
When we argue, I get so frustrated that I end up crying. One time I cried so much that he messaged my friends saying he thought I had post-partum depression and asked them to come and check on me. That really upset me because I didn't want our personal issues shared with my friends. To be fair to him, he does encourage me to see my friends now and then and tells me to invite them over or go out for a coffee.
I do plan on going back to work. I already arranged to view a nursery and our son is registered to start at 10 months old for two days a week. My dad is going to have him the other three days, and luckily I work from home, which will make things a lot easier.
As for the house, I bought it before I met him, so I have that security. He often says things like, "Your house, your rules," or "I feel like I have to tiptoe around you," and calls me controlling. But honestly, all I'm asking is for him to clean up after himself and help out around the house.

If it’s not a big deal to pick up his shit, why can’t he do it?

this would 100% turn me off a man.

Is he on any painkillers? Hiw much napping did he do before you were pregnant and has it changed? What were the discussions before you got pregnant given that his disability might get worse with age? I find that MN doesn't have a clue about living with a health condition. While he should be tidying up anything he has caused, you should be doing the majority while on ML. Did you well research the symptoms for his condition? What strategies did you have given fatigue and pain are the main symptoms?

@JFavKnight He's not a bad person - he's just lazy, and says that "your not cut out to be a wife". That's just nasty.

He often says things like, "Your house, your rules," or "I feel like I have to tiptoe around you," and calls me controlling.

You do realise this is all wrong, don't you OP?

It sounds like he's being untidy out of spite because there is some deep-seated resentment there.

That's exactly what I say to him and then he just goes on that its my house my rules. Yes it is my house but I can't help wanting a tidy clean house, and i repeatedly said that

Showed my husband this in desperation once. His response was to criticise the woman in the story and defend the man’s behaviour. Despite the fact that it’s the man himself telling the story and recognising he was at fault. There’s no changing some men. We are now divorced.