AIBU not wanting to use my savings on the house whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

Hi ladies, im looking for some views on this money situation

I am currently a SAHM to my children, and plan to go back to work part time once they start school. Before having my first, DH & I saved up a pot of money to see me through the years I was at home. I topped it up quite heavily by being extra careful with my spending whilst i was pregnant.

DH does give me an ‘allowance’ every month & about 99% of it goes on the children (classes, clothes etc). The pot of money I saved up is for things like having my hair coloured, buying presents, the occasional hen do. Basically anything miscellaneous that I can’t cover in my monthly budget. I’m a few years in and I have been very careful with it so admittedly haven’t really had to touch it.

Anyway, we are at the point with our house now where we could do with a few thousand pounds to really get it finished off with all the finishing touches.

DH thinks I should use my some of my savings towards this but I’m not sure I agree. The purpose of the money was for me to be able to have some of extra cash of my own especially as even when the kids are at school I’m realistically never going to be able to save up any money again as I wouldn’t be going back into the same sort of job / salary.

I’m also a bit hesitant as DH bought himself a something last year (not a car) that cost more than my whole pot of savings. So I sort of feel like Im being penalized a bit for being careful with my money.

IABU for not wanting to use my savings towards the house? Or am I being selfish when DH currently financially supports me?

God no wonder men don't want kids.

@Firefly1987 Why do you say that?

If he doesn’t it’s because he’s splashed it out on something expensive, as the op says

For real? She says the plan is to go back part time when the kids start school. It’s clear she will still be responsible for all the non school hours.

Men do want kids. Unfortunately many of them want them to be someone else’s responsibility and for that to come free or cheap so neither their life nor their spending is overly affected by this inconvenient family. men who don’t want to share money need to expect their wife to go back to work, and for the men to meal plan, shop, cook, parent, do dinner bath bed, pick up and drop off, tidying and washing and cleaning, sorting the extra things like the clothes dc need, presents for parties, bookings for sports and school, exactly like they are half of a team when their wife works.

If they’re compulsory purchases I think it’s ok for you to contribute, but if we are talking a new rug or paint etc, can it not just wait?

I don’t think she’s said he doesn’t have the money, more that he thinks it’s her turn to contribute? I’d say ok, once I’ve earned it from a job I’ll pay it, get an evening job and walk out the door when he gets home 3-5 nights a week and leave him to it. He’s gotten comfortable and forgotten how facilitated he is.

But your spending money should be for you not the kids. They're his kids too I presume.

So he should pay for kids. You use the allowance for hair etc. He should have an equal allowance that he can spend as he wants. Then everything else is a joint decision how to spend. Then maybe you'll feel like some of your savings can go on the house.

True true but could you afford his extravagant gift to himself?

Men do want kids……

But they think they shouldn’t cause any personal or financial detriment to themselves, only to the wives/girlfriends.

Don’t know what it is but tbh probably.

Bollocks to an allowance.you need access to all the family money. With a man like that I'd get back to work ASAP, you need your financial independence.

This is where it'd have been easier if everything had gone into one pot at the start and seen as joint money. From the moment DH moved in, everything went into one big pot - it's seen a joint, we're pretty good and have about the same amount for spends a month and consult every other if we're buying something other than food/petrol/vital diy things. I was a SAHM for five years and we just carried on.

For context, I bought a lot more money into relationship, he's earned much more over the years and received an inheritance. In time, I should inherit a large sum. It's all seen as joint.

I think people to get over the fact you’ve used the word allowance
as you explained it it’s just the same amount of free money you had before kids
Before my wife went in maternity leave we worked out the difference In her earnings before mat and saved that amount she had that as savings so financially she had exactly the same amount of money when she was working.these savings are the shortfall in your wages.
so you should spend them exactly the same as you would of spent your wages

Except it’s not “free money” for her to use like she did prior to maternity.

She now has to use it to buy everything the children need whilst the husband still gets to use his “free money” on himself.

Totally separate issue that need to come out of Joint funds
savings should be treated as wages and both should have same free money and kids stuff from joint funds

Probably because they have a 1950s living arrangement?

Assuming that both the OP and her DH agreed that one parent would stop going out to work in order to take care of the dc, then they should have drawn up a financial plan. Both the OP and her DH seem to believe that income should be kept separate. Clearly DH must be a high earner as he’s paying for everything. It’s just that some of that money goes via OPs bank account sometimes. Most of the women I know, in fact all the women I know, don’t gave the luxury of not earning a salary.

Did you miss the bit where she said she’s been able to accumulate savings as she rarely touches the ‘allowance’ he gives her?

This!

@ScaredButUnavoidable More fool him to agreeing to it then. Especially if a permanent arrangement.

I imagine a lot of families feel it’s beneficial to have a parent at home rather than both be working based on their individual set-ups or their personal feelings.

I don’t think feeling that a SAHP is what works best for the family makes either parent a fool (considering it’s managed correctly).

An equitable marriage should have all shared costs coming from a shared account and solo costs coming from a solo account, which is the same amount for each of you. When is his next bonus? April next year I'm assuming. How would you feel if you 'fronted' the money but it was paid back over time?

Some men don't want their children to be in a nursery / have a nanny / be in wrap around care. Money isn't everything to everyone...

Um they are hee kids too and her home. She’s not an employee.

and someone else said bill him for childcare. What and he bills her for the food she eats, the electricity she uses and charges her rent. I know which bill will be higher and it won’t be the childcare.

But it's the men that are paying for everything...