AIBU not wanting to use my savings on the house whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

Hi ladies, im looking for some views on this money situation

I am currently a SAHM to my children, and plan to go back to work part time once they start school. Before having my first, DH & I saved up a pot of money to see me through the years I was at home. I topped it up quite heavily by being extra careful with my spending whilst i was pregnant.

DH does give me an ‘allowance’ every month & about 99% of it goes on the children (classes, clothes etc). The pot of money I saved up is for things like having my hair coloured, buying presents, the occasional hen do. Basically anything miscellaneous that I can’t cover in my monthly budget. I’m a few years in and I have been very careful with it so admittedly haven’t really had to touch it.

Anyway, we are at the point with our house now where we could do with a few thousand pounds to really get it finished off with all the finishing touches.

DH thinks I should use my some of my savings towards this but I’m not sure I agree. The purpose of the money was for me to be able to have some of extra cash of my own especially as even when the kids are at school I’m realistically never going to be able to save up any money again as I wouldn’t be going back into the same sort of job / salary.

I’m also a bit hesitant as DH bought himself a something last year (not a car) that cost more than my whole pot of savings. So I sort of feel like Im being penalized a bit for being careful with my money.

IABU for not wanting to use my savings towards the house? Or am I being selfish when DH currently financially supports me?

OP said it's a continuation of them each having "spending money". Kids aren't paid for out of spending money...they're a joint expense. In your own words, it's not that hard.

So just tell him that the only reason you have any savings is that you have been super careful not spending any money so you can buy yourself a doodaahwhatsit just like he bought himself a thingymajiggy.

He couldn't earn his bonus if you didn't look after the children

So, in essence, would it be OK for me to be a permanent SAHM and just expect my husband to continue to permanently pay for everything?
Genuine question.

What?! It's THEIR children!!

You need to completely review both of your attitude to money. Whilst you are at home, bringing up his children there should be one account and all money goes in, and all bills are paid out. Any money left over goes to joint savings. You could both have “pocket money” of £nn per month to indulge - but it should be equal.

You and DH need to sit down and have an adult conversation about money (you should have done this before any babies)

If is meant to cover children’s stuff it should be calculated on that basis. You don’t know that it isn’t. We have no idea how much it is at all.

Well he could. They could go to childcare and OP could go out to work too.

If he’s the only one earning, then yes.

Most men understand that if they made the joint decision to have one working parent and one parent stay at home with the children, then all expenditures are paid for by the working parent.

Isn’t that quite obvious?

I think your whole financial arrangement sounds weird. I’d be looking at the overall picture before talking about who is paying for the last few bits for the house.

That depends how much it was a joint decision.

I'm a permanent SAHM after giving up my career. And yes, it's "OK" because we both agree that we would prefer our kids to have one parent who is always around and available at the drop of a hat. My husband earns well and we dont need another salary. He also quite likes his job, and I like being at home.

I feel like there are 3 overarching messages to every thread that involves SAHP and finances:

1. Only become a SAHP if you have kids with a person who actually views being at home with children as a proper job.
2. Only become a SAHP if you have a roughly similar outlook on saving vs spending with your OH.
3. The salary of the person in paid employment needs to be viewed as both parents salary, equally.

As soon as ‘allowances’ get mentioned and the SAHP (usually the mum) mentions saving extensively to get by while the working parent (usually the dad) still spends freely, it all starts to feel borderline financially coercive…

Ignoring your somewhat strange overall financial situation, to answer your actual question, I initially thought you should use your savings to pay for the house. Then got to the bit where he spunked his bonus on something for him alone.

As someone who doesn't have kids, but had parents and uncles and aunties who went without so their kids could be provided for, where every spare penny went into the house, the kids stuff, food, bills then and only then did they take something for themselves, I find it really odd that he thinks that is ok when the house wasn't finished.

So no. Don't give up your savings.

Risky strategy.

Do you have a plan for when your children are grown up?

Or if, god forbid, it all goes tits up and you end up divorced…

(Edited… bloody autocorrect…)

I don't think it's risky. I have a huge pension that I built up until I was 35 (I was a v high earner) and I could go back to work if I wanted to, or if circumstances changed. Maybe I would have to go back at a lower level than I left at, but that wouldn't really be a big deal. Once my kids are older, my husband will be retirement age anyway hahaha, as will I!

This is important information missing from your previous post, @laurini - most women who choose to become SAHM are not as fortunate.

You just assumed a lot of things that are wrong. I am of course incredibly fortunate and I would never deny that.

Allowance? Why are you spending it on the children then? That’s joint household expenditure in my book not exclusively yours.

I despair for humanity when I read threads like this. (Well, for women anyway!)

Are men really making the mother of their child(ren) use their OWN money/savings, whilst they're on maternity leave, or are a stay at home mum?

Do these men never give a clue what mean and stingy individuals they are before the women marry them and have babies with them?

@Yogarunningcoffee Of COURSE you should not be using your own savings. Why do you and your DH not pool your money?

I assumed, true - but some impressionable women might take from your original post that it is okay to give up their careers, become SAHMs and be dependent on their husbands. Which may work out okay, but in many instances could be risky. Surely you can see this? Context is everything.

Nope. He has spending money and you have nothing similar if you put your savings into the house. I’d say you don’t pool money while I care for our kids, you can buy things like x, if I do this I can’t even dream of that, you must think it’s fair that I’m poor and you’re not. You’ll have to do half of everything while I go back to work if you think being home is worth so little respect in this marriage.

I think your situation is fine and you should contribute to the house. The issue is that money spent on the kids should be joint money.

I was answering a PP's question and wasn't suggesting that anyone else become a SAHM. If I had provided all that additional context unsolicited it would have been quite out of place and also maybe boastful?

Sure, many women who are SAHMs dont have careers to fall but on but many do (they are my friends!). MN loves to assume we are all idiots who have made a huge mistake but that's not always the case.

As per my previous posts on this thread, I would never encourage a SAHM to accept an allowance - it's risky and borderline abusive. However, being a SAHM isnt always a massive mistake and can work well for healthy couples who have their affairs in order (even if not super wealthy).

So he should have money to spend on himself and she shouldn’t?