AIBU not wanting to use my savings on the house whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

Hi ladies, im looking for some views on this money situation

I am currently a SAHM to my children, and plan to go back to work part time once they start school. Before having my first, DH & I saved up a pot of money to see me through the years I was at home. I topped it up quite heavily by being extra careful with my spending whilst i was pregnant.

DH does give me an ‘allowance’ every month & about 99% of it goes on the children (classes, clothes etc). The pot of money I saved up is for things like having my hair coloured, buying presents, the occasional hen do. Basically anything miscellaneous that I can’t cover in my monthly budget. I’m a few years in and I have been very careful with it so admittedly haven’t really had to touch it.

Anyway, we are at the point with our house now where we could do with a few thousand pounds to really get it finished off with all the finishing touches.

DH thinks I should use my some of my savings towards this but I’m not sure I agree. The purpose of the money was for me to be able to have some of extra cash of my own especially as even when the kids are at school I’m realistically never going to be able to save up any money again as I wouldn’t be going back into the same sort of job / salary.

I’m also a bit hesitant as DH bought himself a something last year (not a car) that cost more than my whole pot of savings. So I sort of feel like Im being penalized a bit for being careful with my money.

IABU for not wanting to use my savings towards the house? Or am I being selfish when DH currently financially supports me?

Does he have a savings account too? How much goes into it these days? If his is also static then you could go halves, if his is being replenished then he can pay it.

That allowance concept is just ridiculous. I am pretty shocked you are sacrificing your financial independence, career prospects, promotion opportunities for an 'allowance'. All money should be pooled with equal access if one parent is SAH. It's not the 1950s. You are going to be in a difficult position if you split.

Just tell him you've earmarked your savings to buy a (whatever he bought himself last year) even if you don't want one, and you aren't ready to get one just yet.
He can't argue with that, after all it was good enough for him to blow his money on.

I think you are confusing the issue by the way you are describing the different pots of money.

There is (presumably) money that pays for rent/mortgage and all bills and essentials.

Then you have what you are calling an "allowance" but just sounds like a budgeted amount of money to spend on things for the children and things for you. In our house this sits in the same account as the bills money, but we still know that there is a certain amount of money there that we can spend on xyz up to a limit.

Then DH has savings, of which he has used some to buy personal items, and some for joint purposes (things for the house).

Then there is a pot of money that both you and DH saved towards but is for your use while you are not working. It sounds like you haven't spent much of this - i hope this is because the "allowance" covers so much of your personal items that you've never needed to, rather than you are living in rags and never get your hair cut (athough if this is the case, it woudl be your choice as you do have access to money).

Although this is framed as several lots of money it actually sounds like a lot of joint money just split in several pots. In this situation I'd spend the money on the house, but ask DH to help build the money up to its previous level. Unless there is something you particularly want to spend it on - which it doesn't sounds like there is? Seems a bit churlish to insist on keeping it when it could be used for the good of the family.

Your whole set up is bizarre. If you’re a sahm you should have equal spending money and equal access to all income. Anything else is just taking the piss.

Why are you paying for the children from your funds.
Your husband is a CF and a bit mean to boot.

Do not leave yourself penniless and honestly rthink about returning to work.

That he would be so cheeky as to even suggest this means he doesn't respect what you are giving up.

Are you paying into a pension while off?
Don't be foolish, so many women get caught out doing what you are doing.
Red flag.

Do you not have access to a joint account.
An allowance?
What the hell is this?
I cannot understand women giving up a salary for this 1950's bullshit.

Thank fuck you are married eh?

Except you have to budget and spend your ”spending money” (allowance) on the children.

Does he spend his “spending money” on buying things that the children need too? Or does he get to spend it on himself?

If you both have savings for nice things then the family money should be used for the house as you’re meant to be a team! If he has no savings then he needs to have his own pot for his nice stuff but I’ll take a guess and say he probably has one?

No, I disagree with this

They've had children together, and made a joint decision to split the work required: he works outside of the home, she works within the home looking after the children. She shouldn't be financially penalised because his work generates money and hers doesn't.

Both of them having an equal amount of money each month for discretionary spending on non-essential items that they don't have to justify to each other is fine. What isn't fine is her having to use her 'allowance' for items for their children. Anything for their children should come out of pooled money

Why is it fair for you to keep your own money to spend on yourself but not for him to do likewise?

I don't understand keeping money separate when you have children. Are you not a team? Why can't you pool all cash, pay for the kids and bills out of that and jointly decide what to do with the rest of it.

When I was a SAHM, DH’s bonus went towards buying me a car.

It was our money and our family needed to replace the car I primarily drove. I was the registered owner of the new car, despite it being his bonus that paid for it, because we were replacing the car previously held under my name.

I don’t get this his money / my money malarkey.

But if you are going down this route then I’d suggest sharing the final house costs.

OP, you are married. Surely it's your joined family money, not his and hers. Shouldn't you be making joint decisions on how to spend your joint money? An allowance is for children. You are a team: he gets to hop out of the door without a backward glance at his children because you are taking care of them while he does. You are both earning all the money and should spend it together. The idea of him buying whatever he bought from his money and you hoarding your savings isn't really what marriage was designed for. If you both didn't want to share your money and lives, why marry?

If the money was saved by both of you, as indicated in your OP, surely it is both of yours? Depending on how essential these things are to the house, I would absolutely consider it fair game to use, and then continue saving into later.

But why do the kids expenses come out of your allowance????

Because it’s given to her to pay for the kids stuff presumably. It’s not that hard surely.

Now if OP is saying it’s not enough then she needs to talk to her husband.

what @laurini said. He isn’t your employer he’s your husband.

It really depends on how much the pot is and how much you need to pay for the stuff on the house.
Is this pot purely for your own wants and do you have other savings for emergencies?
I can understand from his perspective it seems a little like his money is largely shared and yours is yours.

Regardless of the details of who earned/spent whatever on this & that or something else…….. the two of you are not a team - and he doesn’t have your back.

You either sort this out - amicably - now, or you’ll be sorting it out via divorce lawyers at some point in the future.

I just really don’t understand why women put themselves into such financial dependency…
bill him for childcare

You shouldn't be getting an allowance that you have to spend on the children. The kids cost should be coming out of the main pot a separate amount transferred to you for yourself to spend or save.

He’s not financially supporting you , he’s working out of the house. You are running the house and taking care of the children. Why aren’t your family finances in one pot ?
Why do you have an allowance like it’s 1950 ?

I don't understand the allowance idea either.

Re. The house. Have you already put money into the house, e.g., did you contribute to the deposit?