17 year old wants to go Marbella with boyfriend I don’t trust

[alwaysgettingitwrong0]

My dd is 17 and has announced tonight she’s going to Marbella with her boyfriend on the 19th. i’ve said no and it’s turned into another massive row. She says she’ll be 18 soon anyway and can’t wait to move in with him because i’m controlling. AIBU to say absolutely not??

They’ve only been together a few months, since she started college. Before anyone says i’m judging him for no reason, i did actually try not to. I spoke to him when he came round, made him a drink, tried asking about college and things he likes. But the more i found out the worse i felt.

He was permanently excluded from school for threatening another boy with a knife. Dd says “that was ages ago you didnt even know him then”. Maybe thats true but i cant just forget hearing that.

He’s very into blood and gore. I know teenagers like horror films but this seems different. He showed me some drawings once when i was trying to be supportive and honestly they really unsettled me. I just smiled because i didnt know what else to do.

Dd has completely changed. She used to be a bit of a tomboy, now all she wears is black, dyed her hair black, loads of makeup, really revealing clothes which she never used to feel comfortable in. I know people change but it all happened so quickly.

She barely speaks to me now unless it’s to argue. She’s stopped seeing her friends. Doesn’t answer messages for hours. She wasn’t even turning up to college most days for a while and i only found out because they rang me. She stays out late with him, comes home smelling of drink sometimes and says i’m treating her like a child if i ask where she’s been.

Maybe i’m reading too much into it but he seems very controlling. If she gets a message while they’re together she ignores it until she’s away from him. If i ring she declines it.

Money doesn’t grow on trees either so i dont even know how Marbella is happening.

I just feel like i’ve lost my daughter in a few months. Everyone keeps saying if i push too hard she’ll run straight to him but if i do nothing i feel like i’m failing her.

AIBU for refusing to let her go?

Goths in Marbella 🤣

This! Do they know what Marbella is like and what they’re in for?!

NO WAY

He was permanently excluded from school for threatening another boy with a knife.
I would be horrified by this and would not be able to forget it. I thought at the beginning of the post I was going to say she's nearly an adult so it's fine, but I wouldn't be able to support this relationship in any way.

Who is paying for the holiday? I would be very concerned given his previous problems 😕

Your daughter's logic is way off albeit she's young.
The knife incident shows he's got propensity for violence if the right buttons are pushed etc and that's before getting on to the disturbing drawings.

Another for goths in Marbella and the money to pay for it all seems a mystery..hopefully not a free holiday with an onward destination.

How old is he? Does he work? Is he paying?

No, definitely don't let her go. Once she's 18 you won't be able to stop her, but protect her for as long as you can.

This is hard OP! I don't really know how you can stop her as she won't need your permission to get on the plane.

I don't really have any advice other than to try and see this situation through without causing a permanent rift between you.

I would be making it very clear that if she needs you then you will be there for her for if she goes on this holiday (name some of the things your worried about) then when she return you will treat her like an adult. So you won't be paying for anything anymore, no washing, no food, she can pay board etc

This is the worst age as they can do whatever they want but make the most stupid decisions

She might not be allowed to go! Most hotels are over 18s anyway and as you have to hand over your passport at check in it'll be impossible to lie. Also she may be stopped at passport control if she doesn't have a parental approval letter. She might get through but they can be very strict - my DD has been stopped before and asked for more info to get through. I'd go with this angle tbh. Also does he work and does he have money? Could he pay for her to go?

Stopping her could be tricky,

if he’s over 18 and she’s got a passport and it’s paid for (who by?) then forbidding her risks her just going ahead.

at 18 you lose any kind of authority anyway so personally I preferred to go down the supportive path while gently nudging.

all kids come home with totally unsuitable boy/girlfrirnds.

Thinking about it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a goth abroad, or driving a car.. but that’s a story for another day 😂

Exactly what I was thinking 😂

100% no, and as has been observed, the hotel might not accept her as a guest, or not get on a flight.

Huh? Why?

Hide her passport for starters. She won’t be able to get a new one herself.

Easier said than done but attempt to have a calm conversation to explain your fears. is her dad on your side? Any chance she will listen to him if not her?

the violence history is the most worrying

Id embrace him. Act like the sun shines out of his arss. J vite him to everything family related and make hum very welcome. There is nothing more unattractive to a teenage girl tan a boy her parents approve of. The more you push the more she will rebel besides id much prefer him where I could see him. Don't alienate your kid. You'll be playing right into his hands.

I think she’ll be able to fly- my DCs both flew before age 18 without an adult. Hotel a different matter though and I think most don’t take bookings from under-18s. I’m guessing the bf is already 18 though.

Baked in black 🥵. I agree with others, welcome him with open arms, she will soon get bored.

He's 17 as well and he doesn't work. They both go to the same college. Dd met him in January because she changed groups on her course and they seemed to get together really quickly after that.

As for Marbella i honestly dont know the full story because she just storms off if i ask too much. She said something about his parents paying or it being a family holiday. I didnt really understand which she meant because she was shouting and then went upstairs. So i dont know if she'd be going with his parents or if they're just paying for them to go. Thats another thing thats worrying me because i dont actually know whats going on.

Some people are saying she's nearly 18 and i know that. Thats part of why i feel so helpless because i know i cant keep saying no forever. I just cant shake the feeling that this isnt a nice boy and i dont know if i'm seeing red flags everywhere because i'm worried or if they really are red flags.

I'm not sure about the law-obviously she is under 18, but at 16, aren't they legally allowed to have children of their own and can marry in Scotland-and until 2013 in England? As for travelling, the person booking usually has to be 18, but I don't know whether their guest needs to be (as in, obviously a single parent can book for them and their 17 year old, but I don't know whether an 18 year old can book and take a non-relative who is 17) so I would first of all try to find out what the law says?
The emo thing (is that the same as Goths?) wouldn't bother me and I wouldn't blame that on him, as people change styles at that age anyway. The other stuff is the only thing I would bring up if asked. Knife crime at school would bother me, though I know there are lots of people who did stupid things at school who grew up to be decent.

I was in Zurich on holiday recently and spotted a few.

it was 35 degrees heat and they didn’t look comfortable.

His parents? Could you just ask for contact details i.c.e? Then find out what's happening from their side?

There are absolutely red flags. His past behaviour is very worrying. Which is exactly why I wouldnt alienate her. She is going to make this mistake its best that you are around to help her pick up the pieces. The more isolated she is the more at risk she it.

In all seriousness, he likes horror (not uncommon) and he’s a goth or eno which does seem to be somewhat fashionable at the moment.

the only actually objectionable bit is that he was permanently excluded for a knife incident.

she’s going to have unsuitable boyfriends, they all do (except for the ones that have unsuitable girlfriends).

the best way as others have said is to welcome him in and make him welcome. Very few of these relationships last.

if it’s a family holiday then I’d not be concerned at all, and if his parents are paying I’d only be slightly concerned.

has your dd been away with friends or gone to festivals or similar before?