17 year old wants to go Marbella with boyfriend I don’t trust

[alwaysgettingitwrong0]

My dd is 17 and has announced tonight she’s going to Marbella with her boyfriend on the 19th. i’ve said no and it’s turned into another massive row. She says she’ll be 18 soon anyway and can’t wait to move in with him because i’m controlling. AIBU to say absolutely not??

They’ve only been together a few months, since she started college. Before anyone says i’m judging him for no reason, i did actually try not to. I spoke to him when he came round, made him a drink, tried asking about college and things he likes. But the more i found out the worse i felt.

He was permanently excluded from school for threatening another boy with a knife. Dd says “that was ages ago you didnt even know him then”. Maybe thats true but i cant just forget hearing that.

He’s very into blood and gore. I know teenagers like horror films but this seems different. He showed me some drawings once when i was trying to be supportive and honestly they really unsettled me. I just smiled because i didnt know what else to do.

Dd has completely changed. She used to be a bit of a tomboy, now all she wears is black, dyed her hair black, loads of makeup, really revealing clothes which she never used to feel comfortable in. I know people change but it all happened so quickly.

She barely speaks to me now unless it’s to argue. She’s stopped seeing her friends. Doesn’t answer messages for hours. She wasn’t even turning up to college most days for a while and i only found out because they rang me. She stays out late with him, comes home smelling of drink sometimes and says i’m treating her like a child if i ask where she’s been.

Maybe i’m reading too much into it but he seems very controlling. If she gets a message while they’re together she ignores it until she’s away from him. If i ring she declines it.

Money doesn’t grow on trees either so i dont even know how Marbella is happening.

I just feel like i’ve lost my daughter in a few months. Everyone keeps saying if i push too hard she’ll run straight to him but if i do nothing i feel like i’m failing her.

AIBU for refusing to let her go?

Let them get on with it.

Definitely hide her passport!

There’s loads of goths in Berlin but I couldn’t imagine them walking around Marbella.

My neighbours DD did sort of similar at 19 (went to Tenerife and then to Colombia to meet his family), with a much older boyfriend who she then moved in with. They lived together for 2 years but he was controlling and then moved another man into the flat to pay rent, and then she saw sense and moved back to her mum’s house. She’s now seeing a man her own age (22/23) and seems much happier, very smiley.

In fact when I saw her recently when I popped round, she said she’d been rash and silly just moving in with him and didn’t think of the consequences. She said she wouldn’t rush to move in with another boyfriend (he also lives at home). Her mum I think had no choice but to let her do her own thing obvs supporting her.

She’s sort of goth emo too with piercings and I think a tattoo but likes vintage clothing. I envy her style and being young and beautiful enough to wear what she likes!

The goth scene in Marbella is apparently scattered and hidden away from the mainstream but in the old town has lots of 16th century architecture so encourage her to see that (history of course).

This. But tell her you can transfer money to her for emergencies and tell her not to do anything stupid or him as you don’t want her in a prison cell or to be paying for Spanish English speaking lawyers.

Speak to her and say if she doesn’t give you full details then she’s not going anywhere. Treat her like an adult. If she really wants to go, help her plan, research what to do, buy holiday clothes and so on. I’m sure if his parents are there he’ll be on a tight leash and positively angelic.

You never know they may end up married!

https://www.disturbia.co.uk/products/terra-gingham-peplum-skirted-swimsuit?variant=44882968903837&country=GB&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23373231032&gbraid=0AAAAADqmKpDmfJ1qFiVmqEZ4r7gSJ_-Yw&gclid=CjwKCAjwx7LSBhB3EiwAjcodxJGa-JD6Bjg_JnN-9LQebS4XkxeZQnAYlUCGKmVXNqn8hnwOygvLoBoCPUMQAvD_BwE

Lots more like that on Disturbia.

Exactly. Nothing worse than having an approving mother.

😱. I married a mosher. Years ago my dad would of murdered me (he was 3 years older than me at school and seriously into heavy metal). Still a mosher now but better dressed 🤭🤭

Put your thoughts about the boy on the back burner for now and stick to addressing your daughter, storming about and not giving a straight answer isn’t acceptable and if she wants to go on a holiday and be trusted as an adult she’ll have to learn to manage a conversation with you first.

Two 17 year olds will struggle to get accommodation. You need to be 18 to rent a hotel room, older for a villa.

She won't get holiday is it as she'll need to be with a responsible adult.

I'd start by having a concert with her to under the details.

There you go then! Good for you!

Most goths I know (I used to work with one) are middle class (he says it himself in print interview) and is now a director of an architect firm, his wife is a goth model and lifestyle persona, they have 2 young kids and live in a stunning old house. All our colleagues went to see him and his goth band Manuskript play a few times at the Purple Turtle in Camden. Great fun.

I was thinking this too

Can you hide her passport OP? Or contact his parents to find out what’s going on?

"If you are too immature to communicate with me like an adult, then you are too immature for a foreign holiday with your bf."

She needs to sit down with you and have a proper discussion - and you need to listen. If she's tagging along on a family holiday that is quite different than the two of them off alone together. Who is paying? Has she sorted insurance? How is she getting to/from the airport? Where are they staying?

Shouting down the stairs at you and shutting down will get her nowhere. You two need to re-establish some lines of communication, somehow.

Yes, at 18 she can move in with him and make big mistakes. Now is when you establish that she can tell you anything, you will listen and you will always be there for her.

It's so hard. Good luck, OP.

Well, you need to be 18 to check into a hotel independently.

Never seen any goths in Marbella. It's a very rich enclave with the Saudi royal family spending their summers there. It's called Millionaire's Row, have a mosque and all.

I totally get your worry OP.

I guess if you don't fund the trip she won't be able to go...?

Ohhh I bet that was great. Im heading to see iron maiden on Saturday in knebworth. My second time seeing them...husbands favourite band.

You can't judge a book by its cover.

Maybe ops daughters bf will be an amazing partner? Who knows. 🖤.

It was fun. A few years back. We were all surprised how much we liked them and he appreciated the support from us his colleagues.

enjoy iron Maiden at knebsworth.

I just looked manuskript up...they look pretty cool,shall have a listen tomorrow.

Thank you. Im dreading the heat 😆 🤣 😂.

You’re assuming his parents are not drug addicts or otherwise not the kind of people you want your child associating with.
The parents are sometimes the problem when a child exhibits the type of behaviour that gets them excluded from school.

Well if they are then she definitely doesn’t go away with them and him. I mean if I was the mum here I’d be meeting the parents beforehand and judging (not in a mean way) if I trusted my 17 year old to go away with them. And giving her a talk on contraception/condoms if not done already and STIs.

Keep cool! They are a good band. Tim chandler is their lead singer. He’s such a nice man. Lady Amaranth is his wife, she’s lovely too.

That was my exact same thought 🧛