Hit my limit after receiving silly comment

[Newbie986]

I’m in a same sex relationship and my partner is currently pregnant. We’ve had our ups and downs in the relationship and there’s certainly been struggles. From my perspective I feel my partner struggles to see how what she might say or how her actions can be hurtful. I try my best to focus on seeing things from each others perspective instead of who’s right or wrong, though it can be challenging at times.
I’m very conscious at present that she’s going through a pregnancy, fatigue levels etc and as a result have taken on essentially all the housework, shopping, chores etc. She went away with family for two nights and I made sure there was nothing for her to do when she came back. We are also doing a lot of outside work and of course I don’t want her to be doing a lot of lifting etc and so I have taken that on. I was exhausted yesterday when I came home from work and just made dinner and sat on the couch. She was waiting for me to go out and do some jobs but I said no, nothing was essential and I was taking the evening off. My partner is off for the summer so I understand she wants to get everything done asap but I’m running on empty, and probably more so mentally and emotionally. Today I explained in a message that I need to pace things and was tired after doing a lot of outside work, she replied “I don’t expect you to kill yourself”…. “I know you’re not used to hard labour” I saw red and hit the roof. I can’t believe the comment was so triggering. I have worked since I was in school to earn my own money. Put myself through college, working nights at weekends and worked 60hour weeks during college summers. I’m struggling to see why she would say that? Or am I blowing it out of proportion?

I agree @Rosecoffeecup, a dreadful patronising message. And far too expectant of what someone else should be doing. It's a pregnancy, not princess time.

Yes, this is what people usually mean by "hard labour."

The funny (well, not so funny, actually) thing is that OP clearly IS used to doing it! and very much deserves a rest now and then. Her partner doesn't seem to respect that. The caretaking here seems to be rather a one-way process.

She isn't valuing you. Being pregnant has nothing to do with that. I think time to step back a little, she is capable to help and organise etc, even if a bit slower.

I've noticed in life there are people that you try to help who then demand more. It's very frustrating not being appreciated. Go easy OP. Hope can strike a better balance.

Why have you taken on all the cooking shopping and housework? She's pregnant, her arms haven't fallen off. Moving in pregnancy is good for you.
She should still be doing some of those things along with you. Not hauling rocks and slabs across the garden obviously.

I was thinking the same. I pity the poor child.

I assume she meant physical labour but if you're not sure maybe ask her when you're calm?

She’s pregnant not on her deathbed. Unless she is having a very complicated pregnancy and is struggling way over and above usual pregnancy fatigue you need to have a serious discussion with her about pulling her weight.

Otherwise it will just continue way after baby comes and this will be your life now.

OP, my DH said something similar to me once - different circumstances and context, but I 100% understand why the comment hurts.

I'd been unemployed for a while, no luck finding another job, and was struggling badly with depression - not being able to get out of bed or brush my teeth type of episode. At one point I happened to have a very busy day with a lot of errands, and I was absolutely knackered by the end of it, to which he said something along the lines of "well, it's no surprise you're tired, you're not used to working."

It was, objectively, true - I was probably knackered because after several months at home, I was no longer used to having fulll days.

But at the time it really made me, as you say, hit my limit. It hurt a lot because I wanted to be working, and because I'd been trying really hard to apply for jobs with no success, and it just felt like such an unfair and insensitive comment - even though it wasn't meant that way.

In hindsight, I can see that it was obviously tapping into my own insecurities around not working and being able to contribute to the household, and while phrased a bit clumsily, it was a neutral - if not supportive - comment.

Is there any chance there's some of that going on?

No, I get that. It's just that Op thought it somehow negated the 60hr weekends she used to do which, unless they were hard labour, it wouldn't.

Is she having a complicated pregnancy @Newbie986 ? If not, she needs to be mucking in still. In her own time, I did a lot of pottering during pregnancy and went at my own pace. There is zero need for you to take on everything.
Either get the garden done OR the cooking and cleaning. Which is more important to her? You work full time, you cannot do it all or you will end up on your knees before the baby even arrives!
You need to communicate this calmly but firmly and if she uses pregnancy as a stick to beat you with, then you have bigger problems.

I have had two complicated pregnancies so I understand but alas, the world doesn't stop.

Hard labour is physical, and being a therapist isn’t the equivalent. She meant the hard labour of the shifting rock etc. This is a normal comment and I’m afraid you overreacted.

interesting that she used the word 'labour' - as in your not going to be giving birth unlike her. I wonder if this was a sub text or thought in her head when she used that, specific wording.

That sounds like very heavy outside work OP, are you sure you should be doing it on your own? It won't help to injure yourself. I don't see how you can do all that as well as being the only person on housework duty, and as well as having a full time job.
Your partner is exhausted in a different way and you need to support each other, so maybe you both need to avoid any provocative comments for the time being and make time to chill together.

It's quite common for lesbian relationships to break apart/divorce after a pregnancy.

There are some additional stressors and resentments on top of an already diffucult time.

The one couple I know that managed to stay together after a pregnancy went to therapy pretty religiously. Is that an option op?

Yes I know, I was just using your post as a springboard to take a leap off at a tangent 😁

Why the shitty, unnecessary and unhelpful response??

Being pregnant doesn’t mean you don’t lift a finger.

Has she always been lazy?

Firstly she’s pregnant not sick. She can help with washing up and cooking etc unless she’s got severe sickness or something. Stop taking everything on.

Secondly unless you work outdoors doing physical work she’s right that you’re not used to hard labour.

You've obviously been through a great deal yourself in an effort to have a child. It's taken its toll on you and now you've taken on the role of chief cook and bottle washer.
She's pregnant not dying slowly of some awful condition. She should be contributing more than it sounds like she is. You need to sit down and discuss your future going forward.

Hard labour is I thought a well known phrase meaning physical work.

Not necessarily a dig.

Well yes, but they don't sound compatible.

I think maybe you want some acknowledgement for all the extra work you're doing. I would. Perhaps that's why it got to you

Thank you all for the replies and various takes on my post. Yes in hindsight I could have handled things differently. I also probably, incorrectly, saw the comment as an accusation of being lazy. In relation to the “hard labour” she is not comparing me to a construction worker, labourer etc. She is comparing me to her, and all the work she did with her dad growing up, how she was put through her paces etc and so I don’t know what hard work is like. And absolutely I’m not working in the area of hard labour but it’s not easy to hear “I know you not you used hard labour”…..“if you worked a day with my dad you’d know about” after given 100% for past number of weeks and simply just saying I’m exhausted.

Give yourself a break OP. It sounds like you are willingly flogging yourself to accommodate your pregnant partner and grinding yourself in to the ground whilst doing so. Pick your battles and rest when you need to- you are going to need it.

One half of the team maybe growing the baby now but you will be equally responsible for keeping that baby loved, warm, fed and happy when they arrive. As a mother of two teenagers, I can look back now and think how stressful it was for my DH to watch me growing OUR babies. He couldn’t remove my discomfort, he watched me go through labour, panicked over the risk to life for both me and baby, watched the doctors putting me backed together etc. I can guarantee that whilst the physical discomfort was all mine, I absolutely understand the mental anguish my husband went through.

Just take a deep breath and be kind to yourself. You cannot look after your partner if you don’t look after yourself too. It is hard to read the tone of a text on a normal day but when you are stressed it is a whole different level.

And congratulations, you will be a wonderful parent x

I was wondering if there was a backstory. Like that her partner has suddenly changed during pregnancy.