Hit my limit after receiving silly comment

[Newbie986]

I’m in a same sex relationship and my partner is currently pregnant. We’ve had our ups and downs in the relationship and there’s certainly been struggles. From my perspective I feel my partner struggles to see how what she might say or how her actions can be hurtful. I try my best to focus on seeing things from each others perspective instead of who’s right or wrong, though it can be challenging at times.
I’m very conscious at present that she’s going through a pregnancy, fatigue levels etc and as a result have taken on essentially all the housework, shopping, chores etc. She went away with family for two nights and I made sure there was nothing for her to do when she came back. We are also doing a lot of outside work and of course I don’t want her to be doing a lot of lifting etc and so I have taken that on. I was exhausted yesterday when I came home from work and just made dinner and sat on the couch. She was waiting for me to go out and do some jobs but I said no, nothing was essential and I was taking the evening off. My partner is off for the summer so I understand she wants to get everything done asap but I’m running on empty, and probably more so mentally and emotionally. Today I explained in a message that I need to pace things and was tired after doing a lot of outside work, she replied “I don’t expect you to kill yourself”…. “I know you’re not used to hard labour” I saw red and hit the roof. I can’t believe the comment was so triggering. I have worked since I was in school to earn my own money. Put myself through college, working nights at weekends and worked 60hour weeks during college summers. I’m struggling to see why she would say that? Or am I blowing it out of proportion?

Why are you having a child together?

Doesnt she mean labour as in physical outdoor work?

Assuming your relationship is usually great as you've chosen to have a child my advice is breathe and be kind to each other. You need to both pull together and find a way to be a team. A baby will make any fault line into a chasm if you don't communicate with the assumption that you both are tired, overwhelmed but basically have good intentions. Once the baby is here it'll be harder still.

I expect this will be because they want to be parents.

And that the OP doesn't have a crystal ball, so didn't know how pregnancy might affect her partner.

Blowing it out of proportion. She probably was referring to the physical labour.

And the role of the non-birthing partner is to help and be as understanding and calm as possible.

If you've never been pregnant, you have no clue how horribly tiring it is. It takes absolutely everything out of you and then labour/c section/post partum is even harder still. Pregnancy and labour ruined my body forever so calm down and be grateful you don't have to go through it.

The baby will put an enormous pressure on your relationship. Chill, work on communication and enjoy some time together. You will never be this care free, just the 2 of you, ever again.

I assumed she meant hard physical labour. Does that change things?

the phrase 'hard labour' doesn't mean you're not used to working hard, it specifically means manual physical work, so unless you actually are used to doing that sort of work you completely overreacted.

That’s how I read it too. As in you’re not used to back-breaking physical work so she doesn’t want you to kill yourself doing too much.

I wouldn’t have been offended if it had been said to me as I’ve worked sat at a desk my whole adult life so they’d be right.

Blowing it out of proportion.

Hard labour means manual, physical work. Are you actually used to this? It doesnt sound like it- shes just pointing that out.

What do you mean you saw red?

I take her comment as in your not used to 'physical outdoor labour'
You have taken a text comment and interpreted how you think. Ring her and talk to her

I don't think it's a nasty and vindictive thing? Unless you have a physical job, it can be shocking how hard that sort of work is.

Although of course you know her best OP so you know if she was being a bitch! Otherwise I'd say you're both knackered, you need to go easy on yourselves.

I don’t understand your issue… she said you aren’t use to hard labour and she doesn’t expect you to kill your self. She didn’t say hard work she was trying to reassure you that she understood. What exactly did you say back to her?

YABU

I don’t know i disagree with pp and it does sound like she meant it in a nasty way. I suppose without the full context it’s hard to know with just your snippets.
is this both of yours first child? I think you should have a calm chat with her, try and clear the air, both apologise and try and see things from each others pov then draw a line and move forward

Why have you read it as snarky?

To me, this sounds like a massive overreaction.

She made a joke about 'hard labour', eg hard physical work. And unless the jobs you've had in the past were, eg, on building sites, she's probably right. 'Hard labour' doesn't mean just any kind of work.

You sound like you've been martyring yourself a bit and she literally said 'I don't expect you to kill yourself' before she made her comment. I suspect she was actually a bit bemused that you seemed to be assuming you had to do all of this stuff all of the time, and she was pointing out that she isn't some kind of slave-driver and hasn't actually been expecting all this of you, despite you taking it on.

I think you are doing well to take everything extra on. It can't be easy.

BUT don't bite. You will regret it.

Some very helpful advice I read about relationships is the idea of tearing things up and chucking them over your shoulder. Forget about it. Do not let it be anything. Get back to being happy and close.

You are doing well, and you're going to continue to need to do so.

@Whorulestheroost1 yes your correct and I’m probably viewing it as a shot at me being lazy and was incorrect the angle I took.

@ScrambledEggs12 we love each other and have planned a life together. Our communication styles are very different and I’m also aware I could be overreacting etc hence seeking advice.

@DarkForces thanks for your advice! Communication definitely needs improvement and we need to work on things together

@DameOfThrones thank you

@ThatPeppyMauvePoster I appreciate your comment and thank you. Perhaps I did overreact, it maybe it’s more frustration from giving everything I have and being hit with that.

I will say though I am very conscious of what my partner has gone through. I’ve had 5 ivf rounds and a miscarriage. I would be ever so grateful to be able to carry a child, and I have done everything I could to do so. I of course don’t know what’s it’s like to go through childbirth and will do all I can to support her

Are you used to manual work OP? This is what the phrase means.
It does sound like she was being rather snarky but you are both tired for different reasons and probably not at your best.
I'm inclined to agree with having a calm chat, both apologizing and moving on.

Yes. Huge mountain out of tiny molehill, OP.

No it isn’t ’obviously’ snarky. OP messaged her partner and said she was struggling and needed to space stuff out, she responded and acknowledged it and said she’s not expecting her to kill herself and that she knows uses not used to hard labour… which she isn’t. Assuming that was a nasty dig rather than taking her for what she said is odd not ‘obvious’

So again, what do you mean you saw red? What did you respond to her?

But the OP said the relationship had ‘ups and downs’ and ‘struggles’- it sounded like the OP meant in general, not just during the pregnancy. So I too am wondering why they have decided to have a baby together if the relationship wasn’t great to start with.