Hit my limit after receiving silly comment

[Newbie986]

I’m in a same sex relationship and my partner is currently pregnant. We’ve had our ups and downs in the relationship and there’s certainly been struggles. From my perspective I feel my partner struggles to see how what she might say or how her actions can be hurtful. I try my best to focus on seeing things from each others perspective instead of who’s right or wrong, though it can be challenging at times.
I’m very conscious at present that she’s going through a pregnancy, fatigue levels etc and as a result have taken on essentially all the housework, shopping, chores etc. She went away with family for two nights and I made sure there was nothing for her to do when she came back. We are also doing a lot of outside work and of course I don’t want her to be doing a lot of lifting etc and so I have taken that on. I was exhausted yesterday when I came home from work and just made dinner and sat on the couch. She was waiting for me to go out and do some jobs but I said no, nothing was essential and I was taking the evening off. My partner is off for the summer so I understand she wants to get everything done asap but I’m running on empty, and probably more so mentally and emotionally. Today I explained in a message that I need to pace things and was tired after doing a lot of outside work, she replied “I don’t expect you to kill yourself”…. “I know you’re not used to hard labour” I saw red and hit the roof. I can’t believe the comment was so triggering. I have worked since I was in school to earn my own money. Put myself through college, working nights at weekends and worked 60hour weeks during college summers. I’m struggling to see why she would say that? Or am I blowing it out of proportion?

Messages can be misinterpreted, it is all in the tone, it could have been sarcastic or she may have been genuinely thinking you were working very hard. I would suggest talking rather than messaging. I don't know what sort of work you do, but hard physical labour is different to many jobs, 60 hours of office work is very different from 60 hours of manual labour in the heat.

I'd also think she meant the actual physical work of gardening etc.

Sorry to hear your struggles with IVF and a miscarriage. I had several miscarriages and it is awful. But I can only imagine you might feel a mix bag of emotions with your partner being pregnant.

Wish you both the best, and sometimes directly asking if the person meant what they said helps angst. I do anyway, and so far have found I tend to interpret many things incorrectly

Apologies all I should have put more context in to things and conscious of it being a long post.
Thank you for your replies and I take on board your opinions.

With regards to the labour work, no I don’t work outdoors. I am a therapist manual work is a part of my job. For context this Sunday past my partner has been putting a push on to get outdoor work done. I have no issue with that, not shy of doing some heavy lifting etc. so i moved a tonne and a half of stone from one end of garden to another, carried 60 slabs same distance that were for setting. Did multiple other jobs moving soil etc. Monday evening after work, shopping and cooking dinner I said I was exhausted, nothing was urgent and said I needed to chill. My exhaustion was the as a result of not being used to hard labour from her point of view. I never complained about doing it and enjoy doing the outside work - but add to that full time work, household chores, cooking, shopping etc that I’m doing to take the burden of her, I was just running on empty. I had a few hours rest yesterday evening and happy to go out again this evening setting hedge etc. but was just frustrated when I heard that.

I think this was a little thing that snowballed because you were knackered.

She's lucky not to be in work while she's experiencing pregnancy fatigue (as someone who worked up until a couple of days pre birth both times and didn't do any less housework in that time either).

Perhaps she didn't realise that you were tired when she said that and yes, you could have handled that better. In future, maybe just make sure you've communicated how you're feeling and why you aren't doing certain gardening/DIY after work. eg "it's been so busy in work today, I'm pooped so I'm going to take it easy this evening after I've done tea but can get that fence/mowing/water feature/whatever sorted on Friday, how are you feeling?"

I'm still completely sure I understand why the comment was so triggering - is it because you feel she's not appreciating all the physical labour you're doing outside after work? The comment about not wanting you to kill yourself was a bit weird, it's not something I'd say.

Anyway, glad you've got a pregnancy in your relationship after what sounds like a really tough IVF journey and miscarriage.

If OP is working all day perhaps they need to chill out in the evenings. Unless there is something urgent surely it can wait till the weekend

You're both going to be tired and stressed when the baby arrives. It's worth considering how you communicate with each other and trying to avoid competitive tiredness.

I wouldn't have messaged her today about any of this, and if you still wanted to discuss it, waited till you could be face to face.

Are you trying to get the garden sorted before the baby arrives? Is that level of physical work going to continue for a while?

Whether or not she meant it in a snarky way, it sounds like you're taking on too much. Is your partner having a particularly difficult pregnancy? If it's all normal then I don't really think it's reasonable to expect you to do everything, especially if you're working full time and she's on holiday (teacher or similar presumably, or is she on maternity leave already). It also depends on how far along she is, but most women work till near their due date and also continue to contribute to running the household. Obviously she can't get involved in moving tonnes of stone, but why can't she cook dinner for example? You're going to be burnt out before the baby arrives, and that's when she really will need you to step up.

You need to have a discussion about this face to face, text is notorious for misunderstandings.

I’m very conscious at present that she’s going through a pregnancy, fatigue levels etc and as a result have taken on essentially all the housework, shopping, chores etc.

Is she very pregnant/having a difficult pregnancy?

I not she should still be capable of doing something I would have thought.

You saw red over a text that could be completely innocent? Bit of an overreaction. Are you always so quick to anger? Hope baby doesn’t “make you see red” too when you’re truly sleep deprived.

She's not the boss of you. Why did you need to explain in a text that you needed a rest? I don't think her comments were rude though, just saying that you're not used to physical hard work. It's not an insult as I read it.

She’s pregnant not dying. Why can’t she cook and clean and look after the home? Especially if she’s not working?
Sure I get that manual labour is probably not in her remit right now but being pregnant doesn’t mean you have to be on bed rest. She sounds intolerably lazy and I’d have lost my shit by now too and not over that comment either. Because she’s sat on her arse doing sweet FA

I would avoid messaging any more about this and wait until you can discuss it in person. It's much too easy to misinterpret texts, etc. or take them out of context and there's no point in guessing or asking others what the other person meant and becoming more upset on that basis if you can clear it up directly. Also discuss the broader split of responsibilities right now - it sounds like you are intentionally and proactively taking on a very large share of the normally shared work without discussion in order to spare her, and she may not be aware how much you are doing, how it fits in with your overall schedule, how tired you are, etc.

Blimey. If after you've moved tonnes of stone and had a short rest, your partner said "I don’t expect you to kill yourself" and “I know you’re not used to hard labour”... then she really is taking the P, pregnant or not. Especially as she's having weeks off and you're working f/t.

So either you're in a semi-abusive relationship or there's more to the story.

So either you're in a semi-abusive relationship or there's more to the story.

Seems to sum it up.

Agreed!

Blimey OP it's like you're working on a chain gang, but... alone.

Good luck with that when the baby is here lol

It's hard to tell from your posts - it's hot, she's pregnant and knackered, you're doing everything else and knackered. Moving a tonne and a half of heavy stones in 28-degree heat (if you were in the UK last weekend) would break most people. Also - doesn't sound like that's a job you'd really NEED to be doing right now? This could just be a storm in a teacup because you're both struggling or she could be massively taking the piss. If it's the former - have an early night and see how you feel in the morning. If it's the latter - you need a serious conversation with your partner. Her being pregnant does not mean you are her lackey.

Bit of a dickhead comment to say OP should be grateful that she isn't pregnant - you've no idea what her or her partners fertility journey has been like

Okay, she may be pregnant right now but that doesn’t mean she’s some innocent Madonna who isn’t responsible for her actions.

you are supporting her through it and deserve the same care and empathy you’ve shown her.

I do sympathise with her pregancy exhaustion as it took me the same way too and like yourself I've always been a very hardworking individual.

I think her comment would have made me very annoyed with her too just because you've literally taken on ALL of the labour both outside and around the house to help her get through this pregnancy and the implication was you are only struggling with all of that because you aren't used to hard work! This in turn would make you look at everything you are doing and suddenly view her (in comparison) as being very lazy (since she's suddenly commenting) hence why you got triggered.

Therefore I TOTALLY understand your reaction to the remark but on balance I agree with the pps who pointed out she may have only been referring to the hard outside work you've done and in reality I think she was just telling you to take it easy but it came out in a very clumsy manner (potentially because of pregnancy brain, which actually is a thing)

I think, just take it as the latter and try to not take offence or hold a grudge, please try to forgive and forget and put it down to both of you struggling at the same time.

Good luck, and I do hope you can just put it behind you and both go on to live the happy life you deserve together. Life's too short to hold onto misunderstandings. 🤗

I think she meant physical labour when she said 'hard'. People don't usually refer to working hard as 'hard labour'.