AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

This sounds really good. I think a some pps are expecting you to make decisions very quickly but that's not really fair considering the stress you've clearly been under for a long time.

That sounds good you might tell one of your friends also. I understand wanting to tell someone very close to you, but even if this friend is less close they still probably would want to help.

It weird that your family play such a central, influential role in your life while being very physically far away. What's the point?

Well, you see, we would do a fair bit of traveling 😉

I get wanting to see them a lot, as you are very close.

Otoh, I wonder what effect the frequent visits have on your mental health? If you are still recovering from CPTSD from events in your childhood, are the visits reinforcing the upset , especially as you say there's at least sometimes violence, blood etc when you visit?

I'm not saying you shouldn't visit, as you've said, you derive a lot of support from your family. I just wonder if the visits may be reinforcing trauma as well as helpful.

That list I posted from the NSPCC website someone linked - he hasn't done any of that stuff

As you are seen to struggle with connecting how abusive your husband's behaviour actually is, I will outline for you abusive behaviour that your husband has displayed towards you.

There are many different types of abuse, here are some of the types I identified from what I remember you said he did (off the top of my head):

Using Intimidation - this is linked to Physical Violence

• Making her afraid by using looks, actions or gestures
• Smashing things or destroying her property
• Controlling her behaviour and decisions through fear of his reactions or mood

Using Emotional Abuse

• Calling her names
• Making her feel as if she may be overreacting to his abusive behaviour and should be okay with/over it by now

Using Isolation

• Not wanting other people to know about his abusive behaviour

'...he doesn't want to lose the idea/ image of himself as a good person, which he is.'

This is what I would suggest working on with a therapist. You have a way of viewing your husband that is at odds with his behaviour. It is quite marked and is another reason people replying to you are struggling.

When one person is abusive in an intimate partner relationship, the other person has bought into a fantasy of the 'nice' person (think Jekyll and Hyde). Before they were abusive, they presented this character as if this is who they are. So that is the person you think you're getting and that is the person with whom you fall in love. Once the abusive side has eventually shown, the non-abusive person spends their time trying to get back to that fantasy/nice person and trying to have only those nice and safe moments.

THIS.

OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. This behaviour would 100% turn me into a nervous wreck. It is absolutely not OK.

For what it's worth, many (maybe most?) abusive people do not behave like assholes all the time, or they wouldn't have anyone in their lives to use as an emotional punchbag. That cognitive dissonance that you feel (but he's a lovely person/it's down to me to not push his buttons/he can't help it/he CAN be lovely) is entirely normal and horribly confusing to experience (I've been there).

I very much hope that you can get as much support as possible. This is not your fault and is absolutely unacceptable. And no, your reactions to this abuse are in NO way to blame for it.

There's 'honour violence', though - isn't there?

Which you seem to think is fine.

No, they really don’t. He is capable of repeating this behaviour as he has done it previously and you are still there. You shouldn’t be living with this much stress, it is not your fault.

Thank you for taking the time to do this. I do recognise that some of his behaviour has been abusive. So does he. It's just that I would consider all of this as relatively low level, especially as it's very occasional instances over nearly 20 years. It's not escalating I don't think, but I'm not sure about that actually. It's always when he's under extreme stress (often because of me). If it's escalating it's because of that- our life stresses have escalated massively and he's prioritised me getting the outlets I need at hobbies etc over his own wellbeing.

I don't think abusive behaviour always has to mean divorce. That's all I'm saying, that it's abusive but it's not relationship ending.

Yes i think that's probably the case though less so since my dad died. And there would be a significant harm to my health from not being with my family, feeling connected to them , a sense of belonging and community. There's no easy solution to all of this. I am conscious of what you say though, and try to get the right balance. And it changes over time, so eg it's much easier to be around my brother now we talk about dad with a bit of honesty.

@hamptonedge @EmeraldDreams73 thank you for this kindness. I do agree he's capable of repeating his previous behaviour though I'd say I maybe have a better sense of the triggers and how to move on from the risky moments. My own behaviour has to be part of the picture, partly to blame e.g. dissociation is very stressful for him. And it seems so unfair to wipe out a while marriage and all the good he's done for a few outbursts.

But I think I'm going to mention what's happened prob to a SIL or similar, next time I'm with family. Just to see how they feel about it and what their advice is. I thought it's possible this stuff has happened to other women I know and there will be a pretty straightforward way to kind of stop it before it turns into anything else.

there is but you have already ruled it out.

I just want to be completely clear here that there is neither a system of "honour violence" against women in my community nor, in my own or my community's view, such thing as honourable violence against women.

Anyone reading who does have such views, please don't take anything I've said as an endorsement of that, from myself or on the part of my community. We're all for minority cultures. We think that stuff is sick.

I don't think divorce is straightforward for anyone, even in "normal" circumstances.

But I meant something less "nuclear option."

He absolutely is not. Your poor children 😖

Just on this one thing: My own behaviour has to be part of the picture, partly to blame e.g. dissociation is very stressful for him

If he married a woman with epilepsy, would it be reasonable for her to take on some blame for epilepsy attacks brought on by the stress of, say, being shouted at by her husband?

Or would it be his responsibility not to create situations that triggered her epilepsy?

If she has seizures for other, unpredictable reasons, then the fact that he finds that stressful is unfortunate but it's what he took on when he married her. There's no point in him being annoyed at her after, because she can't help it.

OTOH, if her epilepsy is triggered when she drinks to excess, and yet she went ahead and had an epilepsy attack after drinking, then - and only then - would it be fair for her to take the blame for how stressful he found her epilepsy attacks.

Ha - I'd need to think about that a while. The analogy that is. Of course I wouldn't think epilepsy or the stress of that for him was my fault. Though maybe I'd feel a bit guilty all the same, and give him some grace if the stress brought out the worst in him.

But prob important to say here, that neither of us had any idea how messed up I am when we met, not even when we got married. A bit mental, is prob what he would have said. But he'd also have said, so's her family. And they're all fine. More or less. We were barely out of adolescence remember.

Since then, in the past, say 10 years or less, the SH which I've done my whole life has become much more of a habit/ problem (he wasn't even aware I did this until we were sort of past the point of no return in our relationship). After I had my first baby was when it was suggested by a therapist that stuff I thought was just me ("spacing out" as I called it i.e. dissociation, night terrors, not trusting anyone, etc etc.) could be cPTSD.

Imagine what he's been through. Poor 20 year old boy gets his head turned by a wee girl who's a bit outside what he's known before. Now, 20 years later, his life is full of people he loves and a whole culture and community he's never had before, but also mental illness and addiction and jail and violence (on the periphery) and so much trauma.

Nothing in his life prepared him for this - the day to day drip-fed horrors of all that. And he's bending over backwards to make sure I get the time to do the things that keep me on the rails, and has misjudged at times how to make sure his own needs are met too. Then, under that degree of pressure, something triggers an explosion, and now he's an "abuser", with no differentiation in that word between him and my dad, or my dad and the people who do this stuff intentionally out of pure calculated evil.

May I recommend that he seeks out and attends an anger management course?

You need to talk to him and tell him how important it is for you.

Whatever the reasons for the explosions, he might be able to learn, through such a course, to sense when he is beginning to feel tense and so take steps (he could learn) to circumvent the explosion.

Be extra alert to possible rage as a result of:
lack of sleep
too much alcohol
too much caffeine
Thirst
Hunger
Heat
Drugs including tobacco ( between hits when effects are wearing off).
Sugar crashes

(n.b. None of these things are excuses. They are simply extra dangers for a person liable to go into a rage; so to manage themselves they should be very wary of them and alert.)

OK yes I get that. And I get that he's had to adapt too - but again I'd say that's still like epilepsy, which can also be diagnosed later in life. Some women have their first seizure during pregnancy. The partner has to learn to deal with that too.

So just as you have had to work on your trauma and PTSD, he also needs to learn to deal with it - and I still can't get over the fact that, even knowing you had c-PTSD he has behaved in ways that risk triggering an attack. That's on him, not on you.

What I'm saying is - you can only take responsibilIty for instances where YOUR behaviour triggered a dissociative episode through your own carelessness. If he cares about you, he will learn to adapt his behaviour to act in ways that don't risk triggering any of your symptoms of c-PTSD, and he has to learn to support you with dealing with symptoms that arise through neither of your fault.

And maybe he needs some help with learning how to do that: maybe he should do some sessions of therapy, either both of you together or by himself, to help him deal with all that too.

Rather than you blamining yourself for a situation caused by your c-PTSD, maybe you both need to learn to see it as a condition that both of you can learn to manage?,

Can’t you see that staying in this situation because that’s what the other women in your family do is just showing your children that this is ok? Continuing the cycle of normalising abuse? It’s really sad 😔. Your children will one hundred percent be aware and it will be affecting them just like it’s affecting you.

The trouble is I think, that you seem to think the word abusive should only apply to a man who physically harms your body. Smashing things and keeping you in a state of fear (which you have said are in even now, not only during these “isolated incidents”) does not count as abusive.

As others have said, this keeping you in fear and keeping you walking on eggshells to de-escalate his temper is actually the preferred method for abusers, and it only goes further than that when the abuser has lost control.

I think what you have said you will do is a good step and I would never recommend doing anything you’re not comfortable with and haven’t fully chosen for yourself. It’s a big thing to face and you have a lot of background that will make this harder to see, so I’m not trying to criticise at all. I’m just trying to put these other comments into perspective here.

You said men in your family have been jailed for matters related to "honour" - whoever it was against, this was still violence. I can't believe your 'strong morals' condone it.

Over dramatic? No,it sounds so absolutely terrifying that it's no wonder you have blocked it out. Your husband is a monster.

People in the British army won’t be jailed for their acts of violence, much of which is not supported by the British public. If you can’t just agree to disagree here, I would be interested what you would be saying to the mother of a soldier who had fought in Iraq? Would you be similarly argumentative or would you just think “this person clearly has different values from me, and I am not the arbiter of what people should and shouldn’t believe”?

Thank you. I think I understand. But I'd just say in his case that is the effect of his behaviour but not the intent. I think that's probably an important difference?

Edited to say I mean control and fear and intimidating me are effects but he hasn't set out to do that or wants to benefit from it or anything