3 year old food refusal, worrying the life out of me

[mrssnow7]

My 3 year old DD refuses most food and it’s really beginning to worry me, DH thinks it’ll resolve itself in time but I’m not convinced.

Since she was 6 months, she ate salmon, all kinds of veg, fruit, never been big on meat but could always rely on salmon, haddock or cod etc.

For the last 6 months all she wants is plain pasta or jacket potato with beans.

She refuses all fruit other than watermelon, will not eat any veg except a corn on the cob which she occasionally nibbles at and she’s always yawning, tired even though she sleeps 18:30 - 7am and she’s becoming increasingly frustrated by me it seems.

I feel like I’m treading on eggshells, sometimes she’s the funniest, sweetest and kindest 3 year old I know then other times she’ll randomly lash out at me, she’ll scratch me or hit me in my face. Never her Dad, Brother or anyone else in the family/she’s never ever spiteful to other children and her nursery teachers adore her, she gets birthday party invites etc.

I always get to her level and explain that there is no smacking, scratching etc in our home and I’ll always follow through with an age appropriate punishment. I try and ask her what’s wrong, is there anything she’d like to talk to me about etc but I just get no or I don’t know.

She is 88cm and 14.5kg.

I end up binning so much veg/fruit and I’m sick of dinner time battles when I end up giving up trying to get her to eat the dinner I’ve made and I’ll cook her pasta or a jacket potato instead just so she’ll have something in her stomach.

Pre school tells me she tries every meal, every day it’s reported on the app that she’s ate at least half of it, things she wouldn’t even try at home.

We are down to option for breakfast which is Brioche, some days she has one bite of it then that’s it.

She refuses lunch completely on the days she doesn’t go to pre school.

She’d happily go through a whole pack of cheese strings, petit filous and crisps if I let her.

I just want her to be healthy and eating good food.

Any advice or experiences with similar would be really helpful, thank you!

She knows if she refuses what you've made you'll eventually offer her the preferred alternative of jacket potato.
Instead why not serve her a meal that includes just a little bit of jacket potato on the plate so that she has that safe option there and you know she's had something, but where she can't completely fill up on it. Then dont offer an alternative. She wont starve she'll just be hungrier by the next meal - dont offer snacks a couple of hours later.

It happens like that. It won’t resolve itself. It is usually a sensory issue, if you’re in a position to do so, I’d book an appointment with a nutritionist and maybe OT. Look up Afrid.
My DS is horrendous. He eats 4 things, as a toddler he ate everything.
I wish I dealt with it through professional supervision earlier.

If she hits you, smack her (perfectly legal in England). She'll learn then not to hit you. Soft parenting won't get you anywhere.

If she refuses to eat what you make, well let her go hungry for a bit. She'll learn. Don't get bullied by your 3 year old daughter. You're a parent, parent effectively

I would never hit anyone, let alone my child.

I’m sorry to hear this, thank you for your advice. I think I’ll book a GP appt.

Thank you, I do agree, she knows I’ll give in.

I have tried to do that, for example if we have homemade chilli con carne I’ll give her half a jacket potato with a bit of butter and the chilli on the side with a spoonful of rice. She will eat the jacket potato, won’t attempt to try the chilli just says she doesn’t like it then she says she’s hungry before bed and I feel guilty.

I don’t get upset about food now because my youngest has autism and his diet is limited to innocent smoothies, bear yo-yos, Nakd bars, crisps, chips, pizza, tomato soup, milk roll with butter, ice cream, cake, dairylea dunkers, Frubes and Babybels. On holiday he lived off chips with ketchup and ice cream all week. He has a multivitamin every day which he thinks is a sweet. He’s skinny but not underweight according to BMI and has lots of energy.

My younger brother would only eat plain pasta with butter for years. Some children only eat chicken nuggets and chips, I’m sure I also saw one on Supernanny years ago who would only eat biscuits. Go to the GP if you’re worried about deficiencies but honestly, it’s sometimes easier not to sweat it.

So if you want a child to learn hitting is wrong and won’t be tolerated hit them? Makes perfect sense 🤦‍♀️

Smacking is already illegal in Scotland and Wales, hopefully England will soon follow suit so parents like this who haven’t got the capacity/can’t be bothered to demonstrate appropriate parenting won’t be able to inflict their temper on children much longer.

My mantra was that my job was to present them either nutritional meals, their job was to eat it. We always ate dinner as a family, so the kids ate what we ate. I never forced them to eat. I always said they didn’t have to eat it, but they did have to try it. I remember reading somewhere that you had to present foods up to 20 times before they were well received.

This may be controversial, but by age three I was seasoning their food. Salt makes things taste better. It just does.

Whenever I was eating something, and they wanted to try something from my plate, say at a restaurant, or at breakfast or lunch, then I’d always let them.

First post nails it.
no alternatives, no snacks.

She doesn’t have arfid. She can eat at nursery where she knows she has no choice. She just tries it on with you.

Wind up…not of the burping kind!

It’s called ARFID. But lots of children go through this phase.

So teach her not to hit by hitting her ? Great idea 🤨

Sounds like my 20yr old. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. give her the food she likes. What worked with me was allowing dd to chose the food she likes during the shop and eating with other children. She ate the same few foods for years.
After she finished her a levels i stopped cooking seperate meals for her.
She is eating more diverse foods now. I was forced to eat as a child it didnt do my relationship with food any good.

Serve up whatever you’re cooking for the family but with a bit of something safe.
Eat with as many family members as possible so the focus isn’t entirely on her.
Then try not to show her you care about what she eats.
Don’t pester her to try anything,
don’t ask for just one more bite,
don’t bribe with pudding,
don’t allow moaning or whining about what she doesn’t like,
do insist she sits at the table,
do make it clear she doesn’t have to eat anything she doesn’t want to,
do give her pudding if there is any even if she hasn’t eaten any dinner,
do encourage the rest of the family not to comment on food unless it’s positive and certainly don’t comment on what anyone else law is or isn’t eating,
do make dinner an occasion if you can get her involved in setting the table nicely asking what drinks people would like.
It is a long and frustrating process but this approach worked on my two fussy eaters, one who would only eat fish fingers, bread, cucumber and yogurt and the other who would only eat reliably eat curry, pesto pasta, salami sandwiches and fruit.
By 5 both were eating pretty normally and now as teenagers they eat food I wouldn’t touch.

OP I really feel for you. I had this with my eldest daughter who in turn had the same experience with her youngest, a boy.

I feel that your DD is picking up on your anxiety and that isn't helping with both her behaviour to you and her eating issues.

At the same age, I stopped trying to persuade my DD to eat what I felt she should eat. I asked her what she wanted and gave it to her. Obviously meal type appropriate eg: no cake for breakfast!

I served her the meal but also but another plate out for her with very small portions of 'healthier ' foods to try. I just left the other plate and gradually she started to try things and eat them. I gradually increased the amount and variety on this 2nd plate. She remained a bit choosy for several years but by high school age was eating almost everything.

Her son was even worse tbh but she used the same technique, it worked again and he now a 6' 4" fit and healthy 20 year old, who hoovers up any food like it's going to disappear. Good luck and try not to worry

It's not AFRID (which is a serious disorder, not a "phase"). If it was she'd not be eating at nursery.

@mrssnow7 you can either continue to offer her safe foods and wait till she asks you to try stuff (if shes eating a range of things at nursery she eventually will) or be a bit tougher (some safe food, some other foods and if she's hungry an hour later tough). But it doesnt sound as though tough is your thing.

Well what you'd actually be teaching her is that if you hit someone you'll get hit back. Which is not the worst lesson in the world to learn , although not one that's ideally taught by a parent.

Ok an eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind.

Get in touch with the Health Visitor for advice on the food refusal. Try not to go down an internet rabbit hole.

This sounds like pretty typically three year old stuff to me. I have a child who is autistic and has some sensory issues with food that got worse at this age, and I would not be worried by what you describe. If you are concerned, see your Health Visitor but they will probably reassure you that her diet is ok

It's a very normal pattern for babies to eat everything and toddlers to be picky as hell. I've heard varying explanations - food tastes different to them, its an evolutionary mechanism to stop them eating poisonous things - but it does seem to be true. The frustration and big reactions is also normal; she will do it more with you because you are her primary caretaker and "safe person".

She is within typical height/weight ranges. She is actually eating a range of foods, though more protein would be nice. But give her a good multivitamin and she's going to get enough nutrients from what you've described. You've had good advice above. I would follow the route of her preferred foods plus new stuff on her plate, and she gets to choose what she eats.

The stresses are actually yours and they aren't medical concerns. You hate throwing stuff away? Give her a tiny bit of things you're cooking anyway, make meals smaller, too. Some kids are overwhelmed by a lot of things on their plate. So e.g. if you want her to try peas, put three peas on it. Maybe she'll eat it, maybe she won't. Also, half a jacket potato with beans is a decent meal for a 3 year old, so also make sure you don't have unrealistic expectations of what they will eat.

You want her to eat a healthy diet - this doesn't have to mean eating a massive variety of foods. Jacket potato with baked beans (get the low sugar kind), followed by yogurt and watermelon sounds like a reasonably balanced meal to me. The variety will probably increase with time.

This is really good advice.

We tried all the don't rush them, don't make a scene advice and our DS just barely ate. So instead we eventually tried, we're not doing X (something he enjoys) until you've eaten and then he would because he wanted to do X. Pretty quickly he started eating properly on his own. So despite modern advice, that's what worked for us.

This is normal. Toddlers become picky eaters- it's what stopped them eating random berries in the wild.

You just need to perserve- serve that same as the rest of the family. No comment or cajoling to eat. You serve up ans it's her choice to eat or not.

Cut out all the junk stuff though and stop serving anything packaged- kids quickly learn sugary snacks come in them and they'll get them when they won't eat anything else.

I really don't understand how any kids get onto plain pasta- who has served them that in the first place, it should alwasy be served mixed with sauce.

She's a decent weight for her height, more than mine weighed at that age- they're super active and it's normal to see ribs.

Sounds pretty normal to me, could end up being a longer term sensory issue but it's very usual at this age to go through a big regression of what they'll eat / fussy eating phase, and also to be much more difficult at home than at a nursery with behaviour generally and also with eating. They do often grow out of it but gradually over a number of years usually rather than overnight.

My advice always is to try and not panic, I know it's really really hard but they can do surprisingly well on a very limited diet and what seems like nowhere near enough food or nutrients. Particularly if she eats well at nursery it isn't a huge problem if she's more restricted at home. Potatoes are a great safe food, particularly if she'll eat the skin as they have lots of fibre and vitamins as well as carbs for energy, so if serving her baked potato every night is what it takes then that's ok, particularly like I say if she's had a more varied lunchtime meal at nursery. Keep offering her little bits of other things as well but don't worry or get frustrated if she rejects or won't eat something one day that she liked the day before. And if she sometimes eats well and sometimes won't eat at all, that's ok, they're weirdly up and down - I'd only start to be worried if she loses weight or stops growing or won't take any liquids either. I know it sounds easy for me to say it as if you can stop worrying just like that but my DD went for over a year pretty much exclusively living on plain white bread and milk at home, so probably even worse than yours (like yours she was a bit better at nursery but didn't eat much there after). It did transpire there were some health problems probably affecting her appetite but no long-term sensory issues or neurodiversity diagnosed, long term she was absolutely fine, very gradually started to eat better and better and now is a pretty much entirely healthy and unfussy eater as a young adult - so there is hope, it just takes time and patience in my experience!