3 year old food refusal, worrying the life out of me

[mrssnow7]

My 3 year old DD refuses most food and it’s really beginning to worry me, DH thinks it’ll resolve itself in time but I’m not convinced.

Since she was 6 months, she ate salmon, all kinds of veg, fruit, never been big on meat but could always rely on salmon, haddock or cod etc.

For the last 6 months all she wants is plain pasta or jacket potato with beans.

She refuses all fruit other than watermelon, will not eat any veg except a corn on the cob which she occasionally nibbles at and she’s always yawning, tired even though she sleeps 18:30 - 7am and she’s becoming increasingly frustrated by me it seems.

I feel like I’m treading on eggshells, sometimes she’s the funniest, sweetest and kindest 3 year old I know then other times she’ll randomly lash out at me, she’ll scratch me or hit me in my face. Never her Dad, Brother or anyone else in the family/she’s never ever spiteful to other children and her nursery teachers adore her, she gets birthday party invites etc.

I always get to her level and explain that there is no smacking, scratching etc in our home and I’ll always follow through with an age appropriate punishment. I try and ask her what’s wrong, is there anything she’d like to talk to me about etc but I just get no or I don’t know.

She is 88cm and 14.5kg.

I end up binning so much veg/fruit and I’m sick of dinner time battles when I end up giving up trying to get her to eat the dinner I’ve made and I’ll cook her pasta or a jacket potato instead just so she’ll have something in her stomach.

Pre school tells me she tries every meal, every day it’s reported on the app that she’s ate at least half of it, things she wouldn’t even try at home.

We are down to option for breakfast which is Brioche, some days she has one bite of it then that’s it.

She refuses lunch completely on the days she doesn’t go to pre school.

She’d happily go through a whole pack of cheese strings, petit filous and crisps if I let her.

I just want her to be healthy and eating good food.

Any advice or experiences with similar would be really helpful, thank you!

I have a DD who turns three in a couple of weeks and she has never been a brilliant eater. If I gave a list of foods she will eat it doesn’t look too bad, but I guess the point is none of them are ‘safe’; she’ll often refuse food for hours and at one point was refusing breakfast as well as lunch.

She is slowly getting a bit better, but just doesn’t seem all that interested in or motivated by food. I keep reading advice to offer tasty snacks as a distraction to manage behaviour and I wish I could!

They have phases and this sounds like one of them

there is a big trap here for you - you start to worry that they are not eating enough and so give them junk food- just so that they eat something.

sounds like it’s a battle of wills at the moment

You sound like a horrible parent. And a horrible person.
physically assaulting a small child ?! Teaching them someone you love can hit you and that’s ok. Nice.

OP I would bring your child to your GP, see how her height and weight plots on the growth centiles. Has she always been on these centiles or has she been losing weight ?Get referred to NHS dietician or paediatrician if necessary.
provide a “safe food” with the family meal. Eat as a family. Involve her with meal prep when you can eg making a homemade pizza, constructing a fajita or burrito etc

Just go with the flow. The most important thing is to make sure she's getting enough nutrients and calories without resorting to UPF or junk food. Had a very fussy toddler and she eventually grew out of it.

Cook pasta or rice in chicken broth for more nutrients. Make the chicken stock from scratch if you have time.

Be generous with butter and salt. Both greatly increase flavour and butter adds calories. They also mask the texture which some toddlers are more sensitive to. If a dish is unseasoned and bland then you're extremely aware of the texture which isn't always pleasant.

Give her watermelon every day and maybe a grilled corn on the cob or tinned sweetcorn. Whatever healthy food she likes, offer that at all times. The vitamins are far more important than going for variety.

This is obvious advice, but fresh fruits and veg can be sour, bland or tasteless if they're out of season. Maybe the reason she likes watermelon is because it's summer now and you can get the ripest melons. DD was far more willing to eat fruits that were in-season and most flavourful. We started shopping more at farmers markets just to get the best tasting fruit and veg.

If she likes Petits Filous, try mixing pureed strawberries with greek yoghurt. Add sugar to make it sweeter. Sugar in itself isn't bad if she's getting vitamins, healthy fats and no UPFs with it.

See if you can switch her from crisps to popcorn. Obviously popcorn can be choking risk so always check for semi or unpopped kernels. I figured it was the salty crunchy texture she liked so we started making popcorn with butter and salt. Popcorn is far less processed than crisps and very high in fibre which is very important for picky eaters since they tend to get constipated.

Try a "picky picnic". A few times I would put everything she likes to eat in small bowls on a blanket on the floor and just let her graze.

Make food art. This sounds excessive but bizarrely worked quite well. Look into bento box making supplies. You can get moulds to turn rice into animal shapes or tiny cookie cutters for ham or sliced cheese.

At the same age, DD was on the 2nd weight percentile and I was despairing. Now she's a perfectly healthy weight age 8 (70th percentile), still a bit fussy around food but eats school meals and a pretty balanced diet at home.

I was the same as a child. My Dm tried everything, including leaving me sat at the table if I refused what was put in front of me. As an adult, I hyper-fixate on a particular food and will eat only that for a few months until I'm sick of it. I have no idea why I'm like this.

Yeah that poster sounds horrific! It just proves that the bar for parenting is so very, very low that you can congratulate yourself for being a great mum if it never crossed you mind to hit your child for not eating properly.

My DA was like this and I used to get wound up. The best advice I ever had was to serve the meal, then walk away or look away. She eats it or she doesn’t and you just take it away without comment and then give her fruit or yogurt or whatever she usually gets. Don’t withhold the dessert if she doesn’t eat the meal.
Dont react at all even though it’s really hard - they are just trying to control something because at 3 they don’t have anything else within their control. It’ll pass if you act entirely unbothered.

We had the same with dd1 minus watermelon even, still isn’t a fruit eater.

it was difficult, not pretending otherwise but I rebuilt her diet over literally 10 years using every trick in the book, sheer bribery much of the time. She now eats most vegetables and pulses, still a bit fussy and now is vegetarian but she’s healthy, perfect weight these days (was underweight). The main message is keep on trying but we have fortified milkshakes to boost nutrition too. It’s difficult but very common too

Honestly my kids ate everything, but my friends 3 year old lived on milk, cucumber and cheese for a year...l think you just have to roll with it, hes 30 now and perfectly healthy.

Sounds like you've taught her to like sugar so that's what she demands. I don't think it's a medical issue or anything other than you're too accommodating and you've created a monster situation for yourself.

The fact she doesn't act like this at school is a dead give away that it's an environmental/parenting issue.

She's a toddler. I think you're overthinking it and panicking so, yes, go to the GP and hopefully they will help you to stop overreacting to what is very typical at this age i.e. fussy eating etc.

Mine is nearly 4 and at first ate everything. From when he turned one he just stopped and has such a restricted diet now. He's awaiting assessment and I'll also be asking about an ARFID diagnosis too. He's very sensory sensitive and foods are a battle. I hope for your sake it's just a fussy phase but keep an eye on it just in case.

Absolutely! Meet violence with violence and teach that as a way to resolve frustrations. Thus providing with the child with a transferable skill that will enable her to fit right into school and beyond.

Please don’t suggest smacking her child!!!!! The legal definition is it can be used as reasonable punishment! 3 year olds are known for smacking it’s a age appropriate behaviour so smacking is not a reasonable punishment! If she tells nursery that mummy has smacked her she will be getting a social services call!!!

I would suggest a firm “you’ve hurt mummy” then turning your back on her and walking away if she hits out at you.
Re the food I wouldn’t think it would be ARFID or she would be refusing food at nursey. I would put other foods on the plate with the pasta or jacket potato and let her see you eating them so she knows they are safe, lots of oo this is yummy mummy is really enjoying this.

Don't feel guilty. You gave her food and she didn't eat it. Tell her she should have tried her dinner, then she wouldn't be hungry. Don't give snacks. Being hungry for a few hours between meals won't hurt her.

My sister ate nothing but bananas and spagetti hoops for a whole year but she survived and was healthy and happy. Our GP always said just offer little snack plates with a mix of familiar and unfamiliar foods. Do t give it directly to the child just set it beside them while they are colouring or watching tv. No pressure no comment . He also said never fight or show stress to the child around their eating habits but instead of panicking they’ve eaten nothing but cheese strings for a day look at their overall diet over a period of three weeks or so and you will be surprised how much variety they actually get and usually it does cover all the food groups and their nutritional needs. It’s likely just a phase but if you’re concerned throw in a multi vitamin daily and keep a food diary for six weeks and then have a chat with your health visitor or doctor. Kids are delightful but they definitely worry the life out of is sometimes. X

@mrssnow7 - I second this. I have this with my eldest (now 13). It started at 20 months before this he ate absolutely everything expect beetroot! GP was very dismissive and only when we went private we had some help. I hope your GP helps more and don’t be afraid to push back. I was told “well I have seen children with more restrictive diets than your son” and he hate less than the things you listed on your post.

OP I think it's pretty common. What about if you serve a jacket potato or plain pasta alongside whatever you are having as a family meal? No pressure to try the family meal but she has the safety of the potato or pasta. But no alternatives or snacks. This works as a compromise for my daughter. And exposure is so key. Eat as a family as much as you can. no focus on the food, no rewards or pressure.
I'd probably see the GP as it sounds like she is deficient in iron, good to get her tested. Hard when she is so limited in eating sources of iron. What does she have for breakfast? if she eats porridge, try Ready Brek and add ground nuts and seeds. Charlotte Stirling-Reed on Instagram has some good posts about sneaking in iron for kids,

My god I hope you aren't a parent. You are abusive if you are and you smack.

Oh and I'd go cold turkey on the cheese strings, crisps etc - don't have them available. You want to make sure that the little she does eat is nutritious, even if it means watermelon everyday.

@mrssnow7 its quite a normal phase.

She tries things at nursery but at home you have taught her that if she refuses to try things she gets what she wants as you make her pasta.

Just serve her what you're having and if she is good and tries things then she gets the yummy pudding (cake or biscuit) but if she doesn't try then she can have natural yoghurt with fruit for pudding.

Don't make a big deal out of it. Just sit at the table and chat as normal.

Ive got one who’s borderline afrid and a younger one who is going through a picky phase.
Doing something with the food helps e.g making fruit kebabs or having something to dip food in.
Avoid any stress around food.
It’s easy to tell the difference between picky and major issues as the picky child will eat most things when hungry but the child with afrid will starve.
Both will eat more or try more at school or nursery as they are with their peers and there’s less pressure.

Sorry but rewarding with sweets is a terrible idea. It reinforces the idea that main courses are a necessary evil to get through. We give yoghurt and fruit regardless if my daughter eats anything, we don't want her to consider some feeds as good or bad.

For three years my DD would eat:
Cucumber, strawberries, white bread, chips, chicken nuggets, yoghurt, and chocolate. She drank orange juice and milk. The GP told me to give these foods daily and offer tastes of what we were eating without fuss or pressure, and have regular weigh ins.
Eventually she extended her range little by little. She's now a grown woman, healthy as can be and eats a fairly varied, if unadventurous diet. All the worrying I did was pointless and it turns out, unecessary.

Have an ARFID DC - there is a clear sensory pattern around acceptable foods, it started much earlier (like age 1) and there is obvious anxiety about new foods and they wouldn't eat at nursery or if they weren't offered safe foods. I think this sounds more like typical toddler fussiness but appreciate it is really frustrating and hard to deal with. Maybe have a chat with nursery and check she is definitely eating well there and maybe ask health visitor for any advice but otherwise I think try not to panic and reduce the anxiety at mealtimes

Does she like candy or ice cream?