How to get over limerance

[Fedupwithhusbandssnoring]

It is all consuming, never had it this bad. I will get flamed for this. There is another man at a place I go to with my friends. We have a lot to talk about and have kissed a few times. I always vow to not kiss him before I go out, but he makes the move and I'm gone. I don't want to stop going to this place and neither do my friends. It is likely we won't be going again for a few months, which is a good thing.
In between the times I see him he consumes my every thought, from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. I don't want my husband near me, nor do I want to end my marriage.
He is married too and I would not want to be party to his wife's heartache. Our children are grown up.
Help me make it stop..

Well yanbu to want to stop. It's not limerance though. Sorry to be pedantic. You're in full on affair territory. The way to stop it is not see him.

Limerance is a crush where you can't tell them because you or they or both are unavailable. It then feeds itself and you hope for it to be consummated but fear the rejection if you ever raised it and the hope and the fear keep you in a horrible loop of obsession.

In your case you are just in full on ability to approach and have sex with him. Don't do it. He will disappoint and it will wreck your marriage. Plus it's a straight up shitty thing to do and you know it.

Eventually your obsession will abate. Think about what is missing in your marriage. I doubt you can put the excitement back in. People Always act so scornful about what must be missing from a marriage to make you stray but the reality is most marriages lack sexual intrigue and excitement BUT if you have an affair and it goes the distance that will also end up in the same place or worse because its not the life you've built with your DH and you'll have trashed your family for what?

You'd be denying yourself so much future happiness for superficial things. How do you know new man would be any good at the things which make a good life partner? Chances are he's a shit if he's kissing you. So his willingness to kiss you disqualifies him from being worth kissing!!!

You can’t always have what you want.

if you want to stop the affair, you’ll stop going to this place. Since apparently when you go you can’t stop yourself cheating.

You’re going to get your arse handed to you here but I presume that’s what you came for.

Yeah that’s not limerance love. You’re having an affair!

Block him, avoid him completely, whatever it takes. Get some counselling. Move on. If your marriage is rubbish, end it, but not because of him.

Very typical language for someone having an affair. I I I, me me me. And what do you mean you would not want to be party to his wife’s heartache? You already are! You are shitting on your own husband too and all your friends know? Nice. Pack it in, you are a grown up, choose better.

Leave your husband (he probably won't leave his wife, you may not be the only bit on the side he is cultivating) or stop deliberately going to a place where you know you will cheat on him and have some self respect.
If you can't keep your mind out of your knickers, try having some respect for your husband.

You are a cheat and so is this man, that is all this is, it's nothing special or different.
You turn up to cheat on your husband, he turns up to cheat on his wife.

Lots of people with no idea what limerance is. OP could very well be experiencing limerance. Her kissing the guy /having an affair doesn't stop it being limerance. Maybe a Google search would be good for some of you.

If it's limerance, you might want to consider therapy, OP.

Lots of people with no idea that “limerance” is actually “limerence”(just for the Google search purposes).

Really hoping 'the place' is a miniature model railway enthusiasts meet up and you just can't stop yourself swooning over a man in a train driver's hat as he chuffs around with his knees out balancing on a tiny train.

Stop going to the same bar. Its that simple!

If you really want to end this affair before you end up sleeping with him, you will have to stop going to this place. If you continue to go it will be on your own head.

This man is a cheat and a liar. You can both be arseholes together if you want, it’s entirely up to you. If you have a problem with your own marriage maybe try to sort that out first.

God how seedy - two married people snogging. Grow up or do your Husband a favour and leave him. All this shit about not wanting to stop going to the same place is just rubbish.

You're speaking as if you don't have agency, and haven't repeatedly made the same decision.

It an affair, and you could have stopped it any time you wanted.

Plan A
What you do is is tell yourself you’re extremely lucky to have got away with this and not ruined many people’s lives. You think your lucky stars you have not blown up your husband’s life. You put your big girl knickers on and every time you obsess about your affair partner you tell yourself ‘I am a selfish idiot and need to get over this’ and that’s it. It will very gradually stop and you then put the energy back into your marriage and arrange some fun stuff to do with your husband. Every obsessive thought you have is energy not going into your marriage.

Plan B
Divorce you husband.

There is no plan C.

Grow up and stop being selfish. Or carry on as you are and probably blow up your whole life for the sake of someone who is stringing you along for his own entertainment. He isn’t mooning over you the same way as you are. He most likely doesn’t give you a second thought when you’re not there. Step back and realise how ridiculous it is and how you’re being made a fool of for nothing.

You’re having an affair. Pack it in.

This isnt limerence, you are having an affair.

This is 100% within your control. The only way to stop this is to not see him, do not allow yourself to fantasise about him, do not search him on social media, etc You stop all contact cold turkey. Yes, it will be hard, yes, it will feel like the world is ending but in a few months it will get better and you will forget him.

Put an elastic band on your wrist and every time you think of him, snap it hard and imagine the worst possible scenario once this comes out in the open- imagine children crying and wailing, his wife's face, him sleazing onto another woman (which he will, make no mistake- you arent that special to him).

This isnt something that is just happening to you against your will, this is something you are choosing to engage with. Own it.

Jesus Christ. Stop cheating on your husband.

If you want to end your marriage, do that, and look for a partner when you are single and available.

You're making a choice every time you go to this place. You clearly go to continue your affair.

I don't think the "helpless in the face of my emotions and I can't possibly stop going to places to meet up with the object of my affections" narrative is helpful at all in this case.

That’s an incorrect definition of Limerance.

This happened to me and I split up with my husband, he left his wife and we've been together for twenty years now.

You are making yourself feel better by styling this as limerance so you can claim that you "can't help yourself". The truth is that you are cheating and you could easily stop this just by avoiding going to that one place.

I don't want that to happen to us. I already know some things about him would drive me insane. I don't want to ruin innocent people's lives. I just want him to leave my head, it's making me depressed. I'll have the energy to try and get back on track with husband then.

Are you the poster that posted recently about a music venue that you go to but your friend couldn’t go this time but you flirt with one of the guys there? Apologies if that’s not you.

Imagine if you'd found out your husband snogged another woman and he said sorry love I just couldn't help myself. She's always in my local pub when I go and it's always been my local so I'm not stopping going but when I go she's there so i just can't help it.
You'd be fine with that would you?

Limerance??! You’re having an affair. You’re already party to his wife’s potential heartache and the potential end of your own marriage.

I’m inclined to say grow the fuck up, and just say no. You’re an adult with agency; you don’t need a strategy beyond that.

Don’t worry though OP, you’ll soon have all the infidelity apologists on the thread telling you how “life is complex” and how it’s all entirely your husband’s fault.