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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel guilty about skipping my weekly visit to Mum

65 replies

BoldAquaOP · 04/07/2026 19:10

Need some outside perspective, I visit my mother every weekend, for context we live around an hour apart, I work full time in a demanding job, she is retired, no longer drives and spends majority of her time at home.
she is lonely and can get depressed and I do feel for her and I try my best to be supportive, if I don’t visit on a weekend she becomes moody with me, usually hangs up the phone or tells me I don’t care about her etc (not true)
this weekend I have said I can’t make it as I have had a horrible week at work, a busy day today with kids activities, food shopping, cleaning etc and I feel drained and desperately need a day at home to rest/relax before another gruelling week at work.
she has hung up the phone and then asked my sibling (who lives with her) to text me and tell me I’ve upset her and she feels I don’t care about her at all anymore.
im sick of feeling so guilty, it’s pushing me to the edge of wanting no contact
am I wrong to feel like this?
I also do her shopping, admin, general tasks, anything else she needs, and I call her daily to help with the loneliness.

OP posts:

Original poster

BoldAquaOP · 04/07/2026 21:27

GrantMyWishes · 04/07/2026 20:37

OP, I think I may be in a similar position to your Mother, as I have severe mobility problems, and I do feel lonely at times, but try not to put pressure on my family to visit, and when I am able to travel, I make the effort to go and see them.

I think from what you've said, that you need to perhaps write your Mum a letter, pointing out how much you actually do for her, how much you have to do for yourself, ie, work, family, home, etc., and end by saying, that you simply CANNOT DO ANY MORE, and so if she continues with guilt tripping you, and hanging up the phone when you call, if she can't have her own way, then you will be cutting back on your visits, and calls, as they're obviously not appreciated. Remind her if you like, about the fact that after falling out with her own mother, she stepped back, and left caring for them to YOU, so she really doesn't understand how much you have going on. Then see what happens, ie., if she hangs up on you again, you cut down your calls from every day to every other day. If she objects to you taking a weekend off when you need one, you start going every other week. Then if she continues to gripe about it, tell her that rather than achieving what she wants with all her moaning and complaining, all she's actually succeeding in doing, is pushing you away, and she needs to think very carefully about that before she loses you altogether!

I know you'll struggle to do this, but she really can't demand so much of you. I'd be happy with a visit once a month from my family, but if they can't make that, then I'm just pleased to see them when they can come.

Often you'll find with parents that they will make it awkward when you need to leave, no matter how long your visit has been, which is what we experienced with my MIL. My own Mum on the other hand used to say, "I hate it when you have to go home, but if you don't go, I won't be able to look forward to seeing you next time", and would wave me off with a hug and a smile. All of which made us want to go more often, whereas when they say things like 'Oh, can't you stay a bit longer, it'll be ages before I see you again', and stuff like that, it just puts you off visiting, and you end up visiting them out of duty, rather than going because you actually WANT to spend time with them.

Good Luck!

I have noticed before if I’ve stayed 3-4 hours she will say as I’m leaving it’s like I’ve hardly bothered or I’m in and out, but to me 3-4 hours is cleaning my whole house, watching a tv show I like and cooking dinner
sometimes I stay a full day and get nothing done I need to and then feel useless when I’m home

OP posts:

hyggetyggedotorg · 04/07/2026 21:31

DH has this guilt too. His sister lives with their mum roughly 45 minutes away by car. He visits every Sunday unless we are away on holiday in which case he’ll drive over after work one night.

He’s in the mindset though that one day his mum won’t be there & he’ll wish he could visit.

hourspassed · 04/07/2026 21:42

So she doesn't live alone. You have a ft jobs and a young family and all the difficulties and demands that brings. Yet she expects you to prioritise her. This is classic emotional entitlement OP. Look into the book 'Adult Children of emotionally immature parents' by Lindsay Gibson. It will make a lot of sense to you and the situation you find yourself in.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to want to reduce visits to your mother. You are allowed to prioritise your children. Your sibling is also not your responsibility. I really feel for you OP and how stuck you feel. But this is not your fault and actually it's not about you. They are both manipulative and cruel - you deserve to have your own life and spend time with your children and yes, by yourself and have a rest. You deserve that. Read the book x

whippersnapper55 · 04/07/2026 21:42

She's an adult and you're not responsible for her happiness OP. You're already doing too much - you need to concentrate on your own kids and yes you deserve a bit of downtime at the weekend. The only person who can change this is you. Don't cave in to her emotional blackmail. She's manipulative and selfish.

Original poster

BoldAquaOP · 04/07/2026 21:46

hyggetyggedotorg · 04/07/2026 21:31

DH has this guilt too. His sister lives with their mum roughly 45 minutes away by car. He visits every Sunday unless we are away on holiday in which case he’ll drive over after work one night.

He’s in the mindset though that one day his mum won’t be there & he’ll wish he could visit.

I can understand this and I feel that way too

OP posts:

GrillaMilla · 04/07/2026 21:58

BoldAquaOP · 04/07/2026 21:25

Did you have a conversation where you said you would be stepping back or just did it?

Show quote history

Not really a conversation as such, but was just firmer in that I was tired, busy etc. so will see you on X date.
I zoned out of any guilt tripping comments or sulking and just thought well it's tough, I knew deep down I was doing my best and that was all I could give.

I mean, who's to say what an acceptable level of help is? Is it once a week, a day, twice a day...it goes on. The more you do the more they expect.

I was similar to you in that I had a brother who lived with my elderly dad, and he was the one who was hard work. But that's another story.

Pistachiocake · 04/07/2026 22:14

If she lives with your sibling, and has you visiting every week, she's a lot better off than most. I'm not being mean, and respect it must be horrible getting old, in many cases anyway, worried about pain, not having a lot of the things that made life good. Do you have a partner? If so, ask them to help more with the kids, unless of course they're visiting their mum/dad.

LBFseBrom · 04/07/2026 22:32

She is trying to blackmail you emotionally. The weekend is the only time you have to catch up with things and your mum is not the only person in your life! You have to explain that to her, gently, let her be huffy for a while and she will get over it.

Does your mum get on with your sister who lives with her? If she does I think she is very fortunate.

Cut it down to fortnightly.

Original poster

BoldAquaOP · 04/07/2026 22:36

Pistachiocake · 04/07/2026 22:14

I am married, but he works shifts and we try our best to juggle things.
He will also never visit with me as my mother has never liked him and is open about that to me, I find that upsetting, my husband also can’t stand her controlling ways.

OP posts:

ThatMauveMaker · 04/07/2026 23:04

You aren't responsible for filling your Mum's life. Could she get public transport somewhere, or even take short walks to the shop? Or just to get out the house. The responsibility for her own life and its content lies with your Mum, not you. Did she work full time, keep a family and look after her parents too? If so, she must know how challenging it is. If not, then know your circumstances are different and she doesn't have a full understanding of your own need for rest and joy.

hmmdunno · 04/07/2026 23:22

Imagine responding to your brother, “If YOU stepped up and helped round the house and took some responsibility for your own health, then Mum would be happier”. I’m not saying do this, just think about it for a second.
I’m taking from your posts that you wouldn’t do this.
So why is it okay for both of them to guilt trip you?
Block your brother if you have to.
Address your relationship with your Mum separately.

Original poster

BoldAquaOP · 04/07/2026 23:29

ThatMauveMaker · 04/07/2026 23:04

She is basically housebound these days
she worked part time as we grew up and retired early, I did the looking after for my grandparents when they needed it as I was very close to them and nobody else stepped up to help them out.

OP posts:

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 04/07/2026 23:44

You can do whatever you need to. As others have said if you burn out you're no good to anyone.
I visit my dad weekly (although he wouldn't complain if I didn't) and I try to never miss a week. When my mum was alive I didn't always go every week and feel insanely guilty that I didn't make the most of the time she was here. I wish I'd gone every week (I did go most weeks but not every week).
This doesn't mean you have to see your mum every week, all I'm doing is sharing my experience. Although I appreciate my situation and relationship with my mum may be very different to yours.

Pinkychilla · 05/07/2026 07:37

You have been doing so much for your mum and putting her needs first over yours, I had this with a family member and then I realised that it was taking time away from my children and husband and effecting my own family life and well-being, I had some councilling which helped me realise that I am not responsible for other peoples happiness, I put boundires in place and cut right back seeing family member when I do have time and not on thier terms, now my own family unit is my main priority and doing things like seeing friends also and exercise classes for myself and do feel guilty at times but do feel happier now and less stressed and I realised how much time I was missing out with my children and husband.

Could your mum join any clubs like there are lunch clubs that pick people up, befriending services somw will visit people at home, silver line is a befriending telephone service, coffee mornings, seated exercise classes, university of the 3rd age, perhaps have a look on helped the aged website/whats on in local area. She needs to take responsibility for her own happiness it is not down to you. Also look into some councilling for yourself that really helped me set boundries and realise I am nit just here to please amd help.other people.

thedevilinablackdress · 05/07/2026 08:43

You are doing WAY too much. And here's the point, it will never be enough for her. Nothing you can do will make her happy and not complain And that is nothing to do with you and how much you are doing for her. You could be waiting on her 24/7 and she would complain, because she's unhappy with her life. Getting old is hard, bereavement is hard, some people are just like that or get into the habit. You will not fix her by breaking yourself.

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