AIBU to feel guilty about skipping my weekly visit to Mum

[BoldAquaOP]

Need some outside perspective, I visit my mother every weekend, for context we live around an hour apart, I work full time in a demanding job, she is retired, no longer drives and spends majority of her time at home.
she is lonely and can get depressed and I do feel for her and I try my best to be supportive, if I don’t visit on a weekend she becomes moody with me, usually hangs up the phone or tells me I don’t care about her etc (not true)
this weekend I have said I can’t make it as I have had a horrible week at work, a busy day today with kids activities, food shopping, cleaning etc and I feel drained and desperately need a day at home to rest/relax before another gruelling week at work.
she has hung up the phone and then asked my sibling (who lives with her) to text me and tell me I’ve upset her and she feels I don’t care about her at all anymore.
im sick of feeling so guilty, it’s pushing me to the edge of wanting no contact
am I wrong to feel like this?
I also do her shopping, admin, general tasks, anything else she needs, and I call her daily to help with the loneliness.

Is there a reason why your mum can't find hobbies, get out and socialise with people?

Just health issues mainly stopping her getting out more, she is mostly housebound now.

Also, you mention your brother has mental health issues. Is he getting any treatment/seeking advice for this? If not, there’s absolutely no way I’d be picking up the slack for him. I bet between them they would manage the food shopping if the cupboard was bare.

How much did she do for her parents at your stage of life?

I'd tell Mum and brother that from now on you'll visit once a month. Take a deep breath, ignore the fall out. It'll pass. And enjoy your life. You can choose to feel guilty or not, that's up to you, but you must put your children and yourself first

That's difficult then.

You're definitely not being unreasonable though x

She did some stuff for them, but as they aged into 80s I took over and looked after both grandmother and grandfather until they had to move into care, I then took on regular visits, social workers, all their finances. My mother and my grandmother had a falling out so she stepped out of the picture and left me to deal with it all.

You aren’t going to change them. All you can do is change how you manage them.

What has worked for me and my brother, is to get in first with the complaints. Instead of playing down your own problems, you have to play them up.

So, you’re not feeling well this week and can’t go.
Next week you will be exhausted.
Then you visit, but while you’re there complain about how hard it is to juggle everything, and an issue that’s a worry at work.

It isn’t lying, it’s no longer protecting her from your reality. The way she doesn’t protect you from hers.

I think that’s where the guilt lies, I know she is in poor health and she struggles, her life seems very small to her now, and I do understand that side of it.

I do try this actually, I talk to her about the stresses from work and she usually criticises me and tells me to step back as I do too much, she also criticises my parenting as I’m too “hands on” apparently.

The wants of those towards the end of life, don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs. Re-set the dynamic and just see less of her. Life does get small as we age. That’s just unfortunate.

I do understand to an extent as it was similar for my mum after my dad died. She gradually gave up, ended up in a care home and recently died.

I live a lot further away and had small children and just couldn't make the journey as often as I perhaps 'should' have. But, my children had to come first. And thankfully for me (although we didn't have the closest relationship), she mostly did understand that, although would get very upset when we left after visiting.

I’m sorry for your loss

@BoldAquaOP So sorry to hear you are going through this. I made the mistake of selling my house and moving in with my elderly mother a few years ago to look after her as it was clear she could no longer cope on her own. I have learnt the hard way that you have to do as others have said and not 'reward' the manipulative behaviours. You have a life and need to be allowed to live it and have some downtime. Your health can easily start to suffer if you don't and there is also the impact on your own family. A loving mother would not try to guilt you into visiting. I do understand that she is lonely, but ask yourself why no one else visits, if this is the case. Look after yourself and feel free to message me if you want to.

You have to put your own oxygen mask on first OP. So you are doing the right thing.
Your mum is probably never going to understand or appreciate how tired you are or how busy your life is. So all you can do is put the boundaries in and keept to them. It is hard especially if your sibling isn't stepping up

This. If you keep giving, she will keep taking op. She’s not going to change, so you need to. Stop doing so much, just stop. You need to step back and recharge or you will become ill. Your own children come first. She’s being very selfish, and you need to set boundaries and stick to them. The sibling that lives with her can do more too.

Why does everything have to fall on you to do? You work and have children yet you've provided care for your mum's parents because she wouldn't do it and, despite your brother living with her and not working, you also need to do everything for your mother.

She isn't even grateful and your brother tries to guilt trip you, even though you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I would pull right back for a while. Despite everything that you do to help her, she makes you feel bad when you are spending time with your own children. She is entitled and ungrateful. Your brother could easily do the things that you do, he just can't be bothered. If you aren't there, he will have to do it. Alternatively, she could employ some carers.

sibling (who lives with her)

Please drop the rope. Prioritise your own comfort and sanity. You can’t overstretch yourself without consequences.

That seems a lot to me, you're doing too much. Every other weekend would still be a lot.. hilarious she says you're too hands on with other aspects of your life. She's taking a lot from you, to read your first message and everything you do plus you have children, no wonder you're done in.
I used to be a people pleaser and would rush in and offer help at my expense. I've started thinking before I speak and saying no sometimes. It's hard and uncomfortable but also rather liberating and I do less of the things I don't really want to.

Your brother has mental health problems, are they doing anything to get help with that? Couldn't they do a bit more to help your mother.

You should get a medal having done all this for your grandparents before. Shame on your mother for manipulating you and guilt tripping you.

You definitely deserve that holiday. She's hung up on you, are you tempted to leave the ball in her court? I would be if you can do that. She isn't being respectful of you and your physical and emotional needs.

You have zero to feel guilty about, your a grown woman with your own family and life, you need to look after yourself and your family too.

He does get help for his mental health issues, when he accepts it anyway.
i have tried to help him with that in the past but he can get quite aggressive so I had to step back.
i am tempted to just enjoy my day tomorrow and not call her, if she calls me in a few days and is normal then I will be too.

So she didn't look after her own mother and father, and you had to step up. She should feel guilty, but she's guilt tripping you. Outrageous! She sounds like a very selfish woman. You've already done more than your fair share of caring for old people. You should step right back. Say you're at breaking point with all your family responsibilities and are going to be visiting once a month from now on. Doctor's orders.

OP, I think I may be in a similar position to your Mother, as I have severe mobility problems, and I do feel lonely at times, but try not to put pressure on my family to visit, and when I am able to travel, I make the effort to go and see them.

I think from what you've said, that you need to perhaps write your Mum a letter, pointing out how much you actually do for her, how much you have to do for yourself, ie, work, family, home, etc., and end by saying, that you simply CANNOT DO ANY MORE, and so if she continues with guilt tripping you, and hanging up the phone when you call, if she can't have her own way, then you will be cutting back on your visits, and calls, as they're obviously not appreciated. Remind her if you like, about the fact that after falling out with her own mother, she stepped back, and left caring for them to YOU, so she really doesn't understand how much you have going on. Then see what happens, ie., if she hangs up on you again, you cut down your calls from every day to every other day. If she objects to you taking a weekend off when you need one, you start going every other week. Then if she continues to gripe about it, tell her that rather than achieving what she wants with all her moaning and complaining, all she's actually succeeding in doing, is pushing you away, and she needs to think very carefully about that before she loses you altogether!

I know you'll struggle to do this, but she really can't demand so much of you. I'd be happy with a visit once a month from my family, but if they can't make that, then I'm just pleased to see them when they can come.

Often you'll find with parents that they will make it awkward when you need to leave, no matter how long your visit has been, which is what we experienced with my MIL. My own Mum on the other hand used to say, "I hate it when you have to go home, but if you don't go, I won't be able to look forward to seeing you next time", and would wave me off with a hug and a smile. All of which made us want to go more often, whereas when they say things like 'Oh, can't you stay a bit longer, it'll be ages before I see you again', and stuff like that, it just puts you off visiting, and you end up visiting them out of duty, rather than going because you actually WANT to spend time with them.

Good Luck!

She’s a nasty manipulative piece of work!!! Don’t reward her nasty behaviour by giving her attention and tell her you don’t appreciate being spoken to like this especially considering all you do for her already and she doesn’t ever say thank you for it and you deserve a day off after all your do all week! Your sibling can do
the shopping or your mother can do it herself or organise a weekly delivery!!

Well it sounds like you'd get complaints no matter how much she saw you. I speak from experience, it will never be enough. Eventually I thought well, I'll just pull back, my young family were my priority and I needed to be well for them. It feels better because you're back in control.
Hard at first, but stand firm and it gets easier.

Did you have a conversation where you said you would be stepping back or just did it?