AIBU to feel guilty about skipping my weekly visit to Mum

[BoldAquaOP]

Need some outside perspective, I visit my mother every weekend, for context we live around an hour apart, I work full time in a demanding job, she is retired, no longer drives and spends majority of her time at home.
she is lonely and can get depressed and I do feel for her and I try my best to be supportive, if I don’t visit on a weekend she becomes moody with me, usually hangs up the phone or tells me I don’t care about her etc (not true)
this weekend I have said I can’t make it as I have had a horrible week at work, a busy day today with kids activities, food shopping, cleaning etc and I feel drained and desperately need a day at home to rest/relax before another gruelling week at work.
she has hung up the phone and then asked my sibling (who lives with her) to text me and tell me I’ve upset her and she feels I don’t care about her at all anymore.
im sick of feeling so guilty, it’s pushing me to the edge of wanting no contact
am I wrong to feel like this?
I also do her shopping, admin, general tasks, anything else she needs, and I call her daily to help with the loneliness.

If you burn yourself out you’re no good to anyone at all

Allow yourself some time to recharge; I’m sure your mother will need you before you need her, as harsh as that sounds

I’ve been there, no good deed goes unpunished and the more on hand you are the more is expected, despite having a larger family, more demanding job and being further away

It would be nice if just once she turned round and said that’s fine, I understand, have a nice day to yourself to rest!

YANBU - have a look on the elderly parents thread for support from people doing a similar juggle. I’m in a similar situation to you and have just dropped to fortnightly visits instead of weekly. TBF my Mum doesn’t say I don’t care etc. but she’s very hard work in other ways. I ring every other day rather than daily too and that helps on a sanity level.

I don’t feel guilty as my children and husband need me too, plus I am allowed to have a restful weekend sometimes. I don’t think you should feel guilty either! Your happiness matters.

Is your sibling who lives with her incapable of keeping things ticking over for one weekend?

That's a horribly cruel and manipulative message from your DM @BoldAquaOP .Don't reply.
Don't phone tomorrow.
Enjoy your weekend and start the new week feeling a bit more refreshed.
Feel no guilt - you're not responsible for your Mother's feelings, they're hers to deal with and sort out her own coping strategies.

How is she lonely if your sibling lives with her? Don’t feel guilty for one second.

Sibling is quite hard work, has mental health issues and anger problems so spends a lot of time alone in their bedroom.
i understand that doesn’t help towards my moms feelings, I get it, I just find it hard to deal with the constant guilt tripping.

That’s awful. Even if she lived alone but she has your sibling living there? How old is the sibling and what help do they give?
Why are you doing all these tasks when she has another adult living with her?

I think I take the hanging up the phone and messages to heart quite badly as I have anxiety issues which my mother knows about, I’m also a terrible people pleaser which she criticises me about (when it’s someone else other than her I am tying to please anyway)

I have had a busy week too , i'm no spring chicken now and i really need my Saturdays more than ever to catch up and recharge.
My mother lives much nearer than yours and i saw her earlier in the week but i haven't visited her today.
I have siblings and they are in the same boat as me with work and responsibilities, we do our best and our mother does get plenty of company and attention as does yours i imagine if your sibling lives with her.
I still feel guilty that today hasn't involved my mother, when i speak to friends and colleagues in similar situations they all feel the same.
Your mother is selfish in her behaviour, any parent that behaves like this is, i think you just need to ignore until the next call/ visit and i bet she is likely to act as if nothing happened at all .
Very annoying i know but you matter too and you need your space and rest and peace, so in response no YANBU .
I hope i never make my adult kids feel like this !

My sibling is 42, doesn’t work, does some household chores when his mood is okay, if he’s having an off day/week nothing gets done so I pick up the slack when I can.
Because of the way he is, she does look forward to my visits all week which then makes me feel a horrible person

I’m with you on that, I could never imagine treating my daughter like this, when she is grown up and has her own life I want her to know she can visit whenever she wants to, but there is no expectation if she wants to go off and do her own thing instead.

I have cared for two parents and it’s time to nip this in the bud.
You and your DC come first. That’s it.
You are not your mother’s servant.
Plenty of retired women cope and build social lives near to home.
It’s really tough if you want to please and avoid the guilt trip but sometimes you have to become like the parent.
Let her wail and ignore you and use the sinking as a flying monkey and do not give in.

How old are your children? Assuming still pretty hands on, in your situation I think I would drop your visits to max once a fortnight. I would call once a week on the weekend I don’t visit. Feel free to drop to once per month if it is still too much.
Why does the sibling she lives with not assist with her shopping, admin, general tasks and anything else she needs? Why does she feel so lonely given she lives with her child? I may be really unfair here but I’m guessing it’s a man - am I right?
I’d not call her all week after that nasty message and on the weekend call and ask her if she would like you to come over. Any further snippy behaviour and I’d say ‘I guess not then’. Then call her next weekend with the same offer. She is taking you for granted and treating you like dirt. There needs to be consequences

I think, given your own busy life and the fact that she has one of her children living with her, a monthly visit is perfectly adequate. It's very difficult, but you need to put your foot down and ignore her sulks. She's lucky to have you and she needs to recognise that. Don't feel bad, your children need you more.

I am going to stick to my guns this weekend and have the day to myself as I wanted, I think it hasn’t helped that we go away in 2 weeks so she knows I won’t be coming then either but the holiday is very much needed for the whole family.

So you and your brother both have mental health issues and share an emotionally manipulative mother. Therapy would help you to stop feeling guilty, start feeling angry, and then find a calm acceptance that your mum is not a great mother

So you are pandering to two moody adults and taking time away from your own family!
And they aren’t even grateful!
Time to take a big step back. The hanging up is so manipulative.

Children are 12 and 3, my sibling is a brother yes, he also gets involved and guilts me too, usually calls me or messages to say I need to come as I’m upsetting my mum.
or sends passive aggressive messages until I feel so bad I show up.

Autistic brother and mother?

Neither are autistic

Is there any reason why she can’t visit you, one hour away will no doubt be longer by public transport but it would make it easier for you and she would get out of the house

She has some health issues and mobility issues, for those reasons public transport would be quite hard for her.

I’ve just had 2 days with 85yo father. He’s generally pretty good but ageing is increasingly apparent. 2 days was enough! And tbf he was mostly very appreciative. He’s 200 miles away and I do worry about the future. But OP I really feel for you - your mum and brother sound awful. Set boundaries to protect yourself.

My mother lives about an hour away on her own. Her world is quite small (by her own doing, though my dad did die quite young, so I do really feel for her in that respect) and she would be delighted if I visited more regularly or did her admin and food shopping. But life is busy, I also have a full-time demanding job etc. and sometimes you just need time to re-charge. Never mind see friends, have a social life, keep on top of the housework, home maintenance projects etc. So I do well if I see her once per month.

why can’t she do her own shopping? Is she in poor health? I would honestly set some firm boundaries, tell her once, clearly and firmly, that of course you care about but you have a lot to juggle and weekly visits just aren’t possible. Explain that if she hangs up on you, that is her choice, and she can phone you back when she’s ready to have a civilised conversation, but you won’t be the one to pick up the phone. I’d tell her that I loved her, and that if she loved me, she would understand that I have a lot on my plate and want me to have some time to myself.

and tell your brother to fuck off, help his mother a bit more and stop trying to guilt trip you.