To not ask my sisters partners daughters to be bridesmaids?

[OurGirl]

We are getting married next year.

My sister has 2 daughters aged 15 and 11 and her partner has 3 daughters aged 14, 12 and 11. My sister has been with her partner for 3 years.

We have asked my sister if our nieces can to be bridesmaids but not her partners daughters. My sister and her partner think this is unfair and we should ask his daughters as well.

We don’t see his daughters very often and don’t think we should have to have them as bridesmaids.

Are we being unreasonable? Would you expect your partners children to be bridesmaids?

my family is “blended” when dh sis got married our ds was a page boy (and dh a usher) but my dds and I weren’t in the wedding. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to assume any of us have any right to be in the wedding . But we were all invited for the whole day

Yep, completely serious! I did say YMMV…

If I were the OP, I wouldn’t have particularly actively wanted bridesmaids. I’d have been suggesting it to please my sister, &/or if I thought my nieces would enjoy it.

If my sister said she felt her longish term bf’s kids were being left out, I’d absolutely offer:

a) ok, 2 slots are available, how about the youngest two are BMs, & the older ones will probably be quite relieved not to have to wear cringey bridesmaid outfits anyway
b) no worries, if it’s going to cause tension if I don’t have all 5 girls, we’ll just forget about family bridesmaids altogether
c) if YOU want your two to be bridesmaids & this is your boyfriend being a knob, just say so & I’ll stick to my guns, you can blame me. BTW your ‘partner’ is a dick, but you know that - lmk if/when I can help.

Obviously it’s different if OP is personally dead keen to have her two nieces be bridesmaids, but for me it would be an optional extra & not worth potential drama. I certainly wouldn’t want 5 teenage bridesmaids - that’s ridiculous - so if dsis & her dp couldn’t agree with me how to proceed, I’d default to ah well, no niece bridesmaids it is then.

I genuinely have never got bridesmaid angst from any angle, so it’s entirely possible that I’m not going to be aligned with OP here, but yes, that would be my position.

No you should not havecto but with that set up i wouldn't have asked them in the first place, sure your nieces miss out but the parents blended the family not you

IMO you have all or none of them. Not because your sister is making the decision for you but because it's the right thing to do to treat them equally.

You are quite strange

Your sister is a cheeky fxxker to ask.
I wouldn't bother having any flower girls in this situation.
Such a rude presumptuous ask.

I was the partners kids who was left out of things because i wasn’t ’blood’ and 30 years later it still stings. as a child it made me feel really rejected and like my dad wasn’t mine anymore because his new wife’s family left me out. So, it’s your wedding but don’t be surprised if your relationship with them isn’t rhe same after. if it was my kids and their step siblings not being invited in, i’d probably just not attend.

Have you any idea how annoying it is to have people in your wedding photos that are no longer in your circle?
She isn't married and wants to inflict her boyfriends children on you.
Tell her to get married herself.
Such rudeness.
Unbelievable.

They aren't married... the OP doesn't even really know the kids. Would you want to be a bridesmaid for someone you don't even know because she's related to your Dads latest girlfriend?

How strange you'd want to be involved in another family's "things"? Did your mum's family involve your step/half siblings in their events?

No, your sister and her partner are being weird. I doubt those children are really that interested in their dad’s girlfriend’s sister’s wedding anyway.

They are not your nieces. They are your sister's boyfriend's kids.

Your sister and her partner are loons. You are not wrong to only want your nieces as bridesmaids and not your your sister’s boyfriends kids too. They can get married and then have all the daughters as bridesmaids.

but they weren’t someone else’s family, they are my family, My father married my step mother when i was still a baby. I do remember a time when my ‘step’ siblings weren’t in my life, and I consider them my siblings the same as my full and half siblings are, I was raised to call their aunts and uncles as aunt x and uncle y. I spent a lot of time with these people as a wider family, so to be left out of things hurt. I was a child who didn’t understand why I wasn’t included when it was my dad and my siblings going to these parties or weddings or whatever.
When my mother remarried they were all invited despite them spending far far less time together as she obviously wasn’t spending time at my dads house with them. She had them all to stay when my stepmum was giving birth etc. My mother didn’t have any siblings so that never came up but she definitely made the effort to include everyone.

Your nieces will always be your family.
You can't guarantee that her partner's kids will be.

They’re not equal though. 2 are OPs nieces and 2 aren’t.

Yanbu, of course you don’t have to have your sister’s boyfriend’s kids as bridesmaids. They’re lucky to get an invite.

Completely reasonable to just have your nieces, so long as the others are invited. They are old enough to understand. Besides, by 11 it would be weird to be a bridesmaid for someone you don’t know!

I'm a DC of a blended family with a Step-Mum who ruined my childhood insisting her kids were treated the same as me by MY family so I never got to see my family alone, missed out on things my cousins got to do (being a bridesmaid being an example!) and never got to be made to feel special by MY family. I hated it and her and it created a lot of resentment not just from me but from my extended family.

So my vote is just have your nieces. I think people believe treating all the kids the same is the right thing to do and is fair, when it's the opposite.

If your sister and her boyfriend want to pretend they see all the kids as the same in their house it's up to them but it's a cheek to try and force it on extended family.

Is OP not returning then? Sigh.

children feel stuff like this and remember it. i am in a blended family n if only blood relatives were selected and others singled out we wouldn’t attend. we are one family one unit.
you are effectively singling out innocent children just because they aren’t blood. so id defo be upset if i were your sister. what’s the big deal with just including them ?

But they are included? They just don’t get to be bridesmaids.

Nope NBU. Who's foot the cost for their clothes, shoes, gift etc? You. So it's a damn cheek.

My step-Mum had that attitude and it ruined my childhood and created resentment in family. Because it was my family not hers and not her kids.

And what happened to that 'one family, one unit?' Her kids emigrated to Australia to be with their Dad as soon as they turned 18 and were eventually estranged from her.

I didn't go to her funeral, my brother didn't go to her funeral, her kids didn't go to her funeral, my Grandmother outlived her and didn't go to her funeral, one of my uncles went just for my Dads sake, my 2 aunts didn't. I would have gone if my Dad really wanted me to but he understood. MY family is much happier now she's dead.

Purely because of the resentment and pain she'd caused.

Why would 3 preteens/teens want to be a bridesmaid for their father girlfrriends sister?