Has my experience of motherhood made me a completely insensitive?

[Satontheseeat]

My partner left me mid pregnancy. I have loving parents but they are also dysfunctional in many ways. They weren’t really there for me in any proper practical sense other than financially when it all went wrong with ex. I am of course grateful for the financial support! And it did help.

However, my dd is now 3 and whilst ex is in her life since age 1, he wasn’t around at all for the first year and has literally never had her overnight. His choice.

I work in an international business and have extreme pressure. I have not had a full night of sleep for years. I didn’t have anyone to nip out and get things for dd when I had forgotten extra nappies or something. I had nobody to look after us when I was unwell. I had to crawl to change her nappy one as I was in some much pain with an illness.

I’ve done every wake up, every appointment, every nursery run, every meal time. The list goes on.

So the issue…. Whilst I haven’t been great with romantic relationships (clearly!), I have always been lucky to have a wide range of friends and a few I am very close to. Since they have also had children, I have found it really frustrating that they don’t just get on with things. The same with colleagues complaining about childcare issues. I just want to say for god’s sake get organised and stop moaning!

I realise this is likely a product of what I’ve been through. I do most things on autopilot and a weekend alone doesn’t phase me as I just make plans and I sort things out. Friends and siblings seem to flounder around and go from one chaotic moment to another and want sympathy among the way.

One close friend has a partner who does absolutely nothing and she is in essence a single parent. She is the most together, organised and calm person. Is this because she has to? I don’t know.

I used to be so empathetic. Extremely caring. But now I just despair of people who don’t crack on and get on with the day. I know I’m being unfair because everyone’s circumstances are different but I just can’t help it. I presume this is a result of what I’ve experienced but how can I try and regain more sensitivity?

I think it's normal to feel that way when you've had a more challenging experience than others in some way, it's easy to find their whinging or pity party indulgent and silly. The thing is, there is always someone worse off than you who thinks they would give anything for the experience you had. I think you just have to be careful not to vocalise out loud how you are feeling and respect that different people have different abilities to cope with what they are dealing with. You have coped amazingly because you had no choice. I expect if you had more support you might've found smaller things too much, because you could.

We all have our challenges. I won't tell you about the horrible abusive childhood I had. No one in my friendship circle knows about it and the impact it has had on my every day life.

The thing about your friends is they just want a moan. Not solutions, but some sympathy. Parenting is hard. Some people are more resilient than others. Etc etc.

If you continue on this path of being hypercritical, you will end up with zero friends. Which may or may not suit you.

@WonderingWanda thanks for replying. I definitely don’t vocalise this! But I find myself sending words of support but not fully meaning them which I absolutely hate feeling. I hate that I have become this person. But I genuinely don’t feel like I have any words of support to give as I can’t fathom why they are not giving themselves a shake and getting on with it. I never used to be like this, I was the opposite, and that makes me a bit sad

Everyone copes with things differently, one person will thrive and another will flounder. Just remind yourself people are different.

@5CupsCoffeeUser agree. I wish I could re gain the empathetic version of me I used to be. I know this isn’t a nice trait.

I think it’s normal to feel how you do when you’ve been through what you have. I have no time for mums who wonder how they’ll get through one night without the child’s father when mine worked away for weeks at a time, coming home for 3 days before leaving again. I have also been very ill but carried on. I just think it makes us resilient, but I do realise that we are all different.

I don’t know how you’re going to regain it or even if you can but for your child’s sake I hope you manage.

Nothing worse than someone with no empathy because ‘I did it so anyone can’.

People have all different strengths, mindsets and capabilities.

@PersephoneParlormaid yes exactly it’s comments like that where I just think what can I even say to this?! Similarly a friend said the other day she had made a flexible working request to work from home when she’s doing nursery pick up as she can’t do both that and the commute to work, and that she would quit if it wasn’t approved. I just couldn’t engage with the topic … what? Just do the drop off! I don’t know… I am being unkind and that’s what I hate

@MrsPinkSky yes agree entirely

I think it probably has . I’m the same as you , I brought up two children with a largely un present ex husband who always saw domesticity as women’s work , he didn’t know what the children wanted, needed etc or where anything was . I also had an un maternal mother and a father who worked away during childhood so i learned if i wanted to do something i needed to get on with it , the same in my marriage my ex just wasn’t there . All my childhood and adult life has been to depend on myself to make things happen so I do find it frustrating when people can’t make their lives run smoothly and lurch from one disaster to another .
On the upside I am very close to my children and have a very fiercely independent daughter who can make things happen , she would be the first person I’d call on if I needed help along with my current partner who had the same experiences as myself .

The thing is you aren't insensitive. I am sure if you had a friend in real need like a cancer diagnosis or a cheating dh you would be able to muster up some empathy. You've just become a stronger person and have a little bit of disdain for people being a bit wet.....can you tell that I do too. You can still be a good friend In my case I think perimenopause has literally altered my hormones and I feel much more like other people's problems are not my own to solve and often irritated by their incompetence. However, I tried to remember the good qualities of those friends and just limit my time with them if they are doing my head in.

It would be physically impossible for me to do both drop off and pick up and commute. WTF are you on about? Not everyone has jobs that allow them to leave at 5. I would be eventually fired if I did that as overtime is expected, daily. So if I didn't have flexibility and a partner, I would indeed quit. Not sure what you are finding hard to understand about that.

I completely get this OP. I won’t tell you about my life but yep, it’s really hardened me and I don’t have much sympathy for people banging on about their ordinary problems. Though I hide it or else I’d have no mates 😂

You’re a product of your environment and you’re still in survival mode. Little wonder you feel that way.

@5CupsCoffeeUser because her office was 1 mile from the nursery 😅

I hear you op, totally. “Just fucking stop moaning and get on with it” is something I say in my head, to others, very frequently! I do not say it out loud, because, like you, I am a product of my experience and I know, not everyone else has had that experience. I wouldn’t wish it on them either! On the upside, it does make you exceedingly resilient.

I'm slightly on the other side of this as I've recently started working full time after always being part time with my kids. I can slightly feel my friends who've always worked full time roll their eyes at me worrying. So I don't go on about it to them, I talk to my non-working/part time mum friends who get it a bit more. I think there's an element of your friends and siblings reading the room if expecting you to sympathise with one night alone!

On the flip side, one of my kids is extremely challenging and when my friends are getting worked up because one of theirs has gone off salmon I just say something bland and change the subject! I don't think there's anything wrong with not being the person to complain to about a specific issue, tbh.

I get it op.

Not the same thing but I lost my mum quite young and in quite horrible circumstances. When my mil started crying because her grandchild in Australia would be walking by the time she met him, I think I actually did say "yes well, my mum has never met her grandchildren and never will so shut the fuck up". It was just so tone deaf of her.

Your child is still little. You are still in the throes of broken nights, illnesses, child hanging on you every second of the day. As your DD becomes easier and less demanding of you you will find that you can empathise with others in different stages of life to you.

I was a single mum to five kids, no family, no help, no money. You cannot imagine my silent fury when mums would complain about their DH going off golfing for an afternoon, leaving them 'struggling' with two children. But as my kids grew out of dependency on me I learned that everyone had their struggles, different to mine but no less valid. Now they are adults I can fully feel for those who are underslept and touched out.

It’s important to remember we don’t all have the same baseline. Maybe their bodies aren’t as strong as yours? Maybe their brain copes worse on less sleep, maybe they’re not as intelligent as you and so struggle with the organisation or they’re not tech savvy or they’re emotionally deregulated.

No point imagining all women are designed exactly the same and so should be able to do the same things.

I can so relate. The saying what doesn’t break you, makes you stronger was made for people like us. People who’ve not had to face being on the bones of their arses like us when it comes to life events will never understand.

Ah yes the old ‘something sad happened to me so nobody else is ever allowed to be upset about anything’ people.

What in the actual fuck‽

That is your first reaction to reading about the death of my mother, young and in tragic circumstances? Well, aren't you a wonderful human being?

And "people" are allowed to be sad about whatever they want. But my mil moaning to me about not getting to see her gc for a few months is tone deaf.

Bless you though 🙏

I think you’ll find the person with an empathy deficit here is you.