Has my experience of motherhood made me a completely insensitive?

[Satontheseeat]

My partner left me mid pregnancy. I have loving parents but they are also dysfunctional in many ways. They weren’t really there for me in any proper practical sense other than financially when it all went wrong with ex. I am of course grateful for the financial support! And it did help.

However, my dd is now 3 and whilst ex is in her life since age 1, he wasn’t around at all for the first year and has literally never had her overnight. His choice.

I work in an international business and have extreme pressure. I have not had a full night of sleep for years. I didn’t have anyone to nip out and get things for dd when I had forgotten extra nappies or something. I had nobody to look after us when I was unwell. I had to crawl to change her nappy one as I was in some much pain with an illness.

I’ve done every wake up, every appointment, every nursery run, every meal time. The list goes on.

So the issue…. Whilst I haven’t been great with romantic relationships (clearly!), I have always been lucky to have a wide range of friends and a few I am very close to. Since they have also had children, I have found it really frustrating that they don’t just get on with things. The same with colleagues complaining about childcare issues. I just want to say for god’s sake get organised and stop moaning!

I realise this is likely a product of what I’ve been through. I do most things on autopilot and a weekend alone doesn’t phase me as I just make plans and I sort things out. Friends and siblings seem to flounder around and go from one chaotic moment to another and want sympathy among the way.

One close friend has a partner who does absolutely nothing and she is in essence a single parent. She is the most together, organised and calm person. Is this because she has to? I don’t know.

I used to be so empathetic. Extremely caring. But now I just despair of people who don’t crack on and get on with the day. I know I’m being unfair because everyone’s circumstances are different but I just can’t help it. I presume this is a result of what I’ve experienced but how can I try and regain more sensitivity?

If you honestly cannot see why that is reasonable, I don't know what else to say to you.

Why wouldn’t I see that is reasonable??

I think most people would.

'hyper independence isn't a badge of honour its a wound'

Seriously? This is the type of shift in thinking that will keep you in the victimhood mentality and will do you no good.

Being capable and able to stand & think on your own two feet is a strength not a weakness. You are more liable to bounce back faster than someone wingeing about needing support. We have the power of agency - use it.

So then don't make judgemental comments when you do not know the full story. I shouldn't have needed to write it all out. I only wanted to let op know I sort of understood why she struggles to wheel out the pity party sometimes. There was absolutely no need for any of this

Well yes that’s obviously reasonable… but that wasn’t detailed in your prior post. You made a short post without context that made it sound like you were mean and I made a short reply without context. Expecting a fully contextual reply to a comment without said context isn’t reasonable. But I’ll leave it there as, for obvious reasons now, it’s clearly a touchy topic for you.

People can only get what’s written down.

None of us are psychic so if you type half a story you’ll get judged on half a story.

I still think you were wrong to attack the PP.

I did not attack her. Any personal attacks break talk guidelines and should be reported.

I merely defended myself from a very unnecessary dig she felt the need to get in for absolutely no reason at all.

Just think before you whip out your passive aggressive remarks. Friendly advice, not an "attack" 🙄

I disagree, I think you very much attacked her but if you’re happy with how you’ve been posting then that’s an end to it I guess.

I agree with this

People are allowed to moan, and are allowed to seek support from their friends. This is healthy and doesn't mean that someone is weak

You shouldn't have been in the positions you were put in OP. It's sad you have lots of friends and yet we're still having to crawl across the floor when ill to change your child's nappy. People should have support. U

@MrsPinkSky

I am not happy that I have needed to post this much at all to be honest.

If that poster had asked me "hang on, she just was upset and you swore at her?" I would have clarified what I meant, but she went straight with "oh something sad happened to you so nobody is ever allowed to be sad ever again"....

WHAT‽ No.

And again - if you feel I have attacked anyone please report it and it will be deleted. I really do not mind.

I think youve just developed coping skills more rapidly than others. Don’t you remember floundering at the start? But equally it’s totally understandable that you have a practical view of the kind of things other parents get overwhelmed by. It’s great to see the plus side of what was a challenging situation.

You didn't post any of your original story. It was not a personal attack to you (although i think you have made repeated attacks at the other poster). Your MIL is reasonable to be upset her daughter moved to Australia, and on the face of it its pretty unpleasant to think someone whos upset should shut the fuck up. Ultimately the issue is that you don't like each other not that you are insensitive

I mean that is exactly what your post was without the context of the fact your MIL had treated you poorly

I do get what you mean.

But also, even when shit really hits the fan, i still find minor things annoying and want to vent to friends.

Having said that, i wouldnt rant to my single mum friends about DH being away, or debate which holiday to go on with a friend financially struggling.

I think some of it is your tolerance and some of it is friends choosing an appropriate audience.

If you think I have attacked anyone, please report it. I do not mind at all.

I don't like my mil especially, no. I do not care if she likes me (and she probably doesn't).

But that actually wasn't my point or the problem. It was that (irrationally maybe), when people moan about not seeing their mums at Christmas or not seeing their grandson for a few months, I do think "really? I am the person you picked to moan to about that...at Christmas a few years after my mum died young, suddenly and in. Tragic circumstances on Christmas eve"? I do silently think "shut the fuck up". I do not think that makes me a monster actually but whatever you want

I think you can’t tolerate it because it’s a show of vulnerability & you’ve had to be in survival mode since the get go so it’s become ingrained. You’re recognising it which is at least something. I think it’s still worth faking the empathy for those close to you & obvs your DC but pple that you just don’t relate to or who you think are moaning - you’ve the right to avoid. I suppose it’s hitting a nerve though for a reason. Are you crying out really for some support or someone to look after you a little bit? I get it. Probably you are & like you say it all stops with you. You don’t get the luxury of being vulnerable or even wanting some support because there’s nobody else to give it - so what’s the point thinking about it.
Maybe carving some time out of if at all possible for just something that nourishes you or your soul might be a start. I think you’re feeling resentful & it makes perfect sense why. Or maybe something to get your anger out at that very fact? Like your unadulterated anger at the fact you have had to do it all on your own? Not sure how or with whom? Not to be a victim about it but more just to process it?

OP, I'll admit I'm like you.
I just get on with things and find it hard to understand people complaining about minor things.
Eg we bought a fixer upper and I spent many evenings and weekends working on it, staying up till late and the getting up for work the following morning. I just got on with it.
Then someone I know bought a new build and constantly complained how hard it is to have to pick your kitchen, bathrooms and flooring from all the different options and how hard it is to find the time for it when you also have a job (???), found it very hard to be supportive.
But I really only have one person in my life who complains about minor things, everyone else I know works hard and gets on with things.

Did the people you're moaning about only have one child as well, or were they trying to juggle two or three? There's a big difference IMO.

I get you OP I have done a lot of parenting solo. We have 3 under 5 and I have a husband who has just recognised he is an alcoholic.

he has largely been not engaged with family life and just dips in here and there for 1 hour every weekend. I shoulder the load solo a lot.

i realise this has made me a bit bitter and I eye roll at friends who complain their cleaner was late this week or their child didn’t put their shoes on quickly enough this morning. It’s draining to hear such trivial issues blown out of proportion. I don’t say anything but perhaps my silence speaks volumes

But she didn't tell anyone to STFU, she only said it in her head.
It's quite possible her mother's passing was still very fresh so it really hurt the OP. I can understand her MIL's pain, too though.

This is horrible. I'm so sorry.

I remember after dd2 was born and dd1 was at nursery, i was sat there thinking how ridiculously easy one newborn baby was. You become as able as the situation calls for and you've had it tougher than most.

No that's not what she was saying.

You don't complain to the person who's mother just died about how you don't get to see your mum as often as you would like because she lives an hour away.

You don't complain to a person whose child just failed all their A levels about how upset you are that your kid din't get all A*

You don't complain to a homeless person about how frustrating it is to have to deal with the plumbing in your 3rd home

Choose your audience

This has already been noted.