Has my experience of motherhood made me a completely insensitive?

[Satontheseeat]

My partner left me mid pregnancy. I have loving parents but they are also dysfunctional in many ways. They weren’t really there for me in any proper practical sense other than financially when it all went wrong with ex. I am of course grateful for the financial support! And it did help.

However, my dd is now 3 and whilst ex is in her life since age 1, he wasn’t around at all for the first year and has literally never had her overnight. His choice.

I work in an international business and have extreme pressure. I have not had a full night of sleep for years. I didn’t have anyone to nip out and get things for dd when I had forgotten extra nappies or something. I had nobody to look after us when I was unwell. I had to crawl to change her nappy one as I was in some much pain with an illness.

I’ve done every wake up, every appointment, every nursery run, every meal time. The list goes on.

So the issue…. Whilst I haven’t been great with romantic relationships (clearly!), I have always been lucky to have a wide range of friends and a few I am very close to. Since they have also had children, I have found it really frustrating that they don’t just get on with things. The same with colleagues complaining about childcare issues. I just want to say for god’s sake get organised and stop moaning!

I realise this is likely a product of what I’ve been through. I do most things on autopilot and a weekend alone doesn’t phase me as I just make plans and I sort things out. Friends and siblings seem to flounder around and go from one chaotic moment to another and want sympathy among the way.

One close friend has a partner who does absolutely nothing and she is in essence a single parent. She is the most together, organised and calm person. Is this because she has to? I don’t know.

I used to be so empathetic. Extremely caring. But now I just despair of people who don’t crack on and get on with the day. I know I’m being unfair because everyone’s circumstances are different but I just can’t help it. I presume this is a result of what I’ve experienced but how can I try and regain more sensitivity?

I’m not convinced you are insensitive. I am hearing that you are competent and are resilient and are noticing that others are less competent than you and less resourceful. I don’t think you are at a luxurious stage of life where you have spare bandwidth for those that arent rising to life’s challenges very well. I think you are in Beast Mode, as they say, which is the mode in which capability comes first and foremost. It’s ok to be like that. The world isn’t short of sympathy people.. it’s always profoundly in need of strong people that ‘ just get on with it.’ You are setting a great example for your child. Take pride in where you are.

I can relate but it is a military thing in my case, 2 decades following the flag and i really can't deal with anyone whinging that they are having a tough time because their dh is a way for work for 2 nights and life is hard because they have a cold and are having to parent on their own or they had to take the bins out and change a lightbulb all by themselves or their parents only have the children once a month so they can have a date night. Bloody wet wipes. To use a military saying, get your head down, arse up and get fucking on with it.

I’m naturally very unempathetic and think “just get on with it” whenever someone moans about something they can potentially change.

However every few years something happens to me that is devastatingly humbling and I basically get my arse handed to me by karma. The latest (which is ongoing) is the worst work/career issues I’ve had to deal with for years with no easy resolution / end in sight.

So my new motto - and I hope I stick to it - is EMPATHY FIRST.

You’ve learned to be resilient and they have not.
If you don’t do it, nothing gets done. They have support and choices.

You are fire fighting, putting out those little flames as you go.

No this is my reaction to you saying your MIL can’t express that she’s sad because her grandchild is very far away and she won’t meet them for months because your mother died young.

Yes it’s sad that your mother died young and didn’t meet her GC. It’s also sad that your MIL didn’t get to meet her grandchild early on. Two things can be sad at once but your post acted like your MIL was doing something deeply offensive to you rather than just expressing that she was sad.

I actually think one kid (even a baby) pretty easy. I found it manageable even when my partner was working away for weeks at a time, so just me and the baby, and I was ill.

Now I have two and even with a partner I find it chaos. So while I think it's great you didn't struggle, I think it's harder the more kids you have - you'll always find someone who had it harder, single parents of multiples - or a couple with 3+ kids will have less free time than you do as a single parent of one.

I think you should try to regain empathy even if you think your friends have it 'easier'. Not everyone is as resilient as you!

My child's school is a mile from my work. I still can't do drop off because of the timing. That example from your OP seems very harsh.

Try to meet people where they are. Their life isn't yours, and judging them won't make the situation any different.

I’m not sure that isn’t the pot calling the kettle after you told your MIL to shut the fuck up when she was upset?

In the circumstances, which you know precisely NOTHING about, it was extremely tone deaf of my mil.

I was only using my story in passing, to empathise with the op. You took that passing comment and decided to be a smart mouth over being a decent human being. If you could not have brought yourself to be decent you could have at the very least just kept your mouth shut. What is wrong with you that you felt you had to get a dig in after what I had said?

I am absolutely horrified at what you said to me. I cannot even begin to tell you.

Sorry for derail op - I absolutely wouldn't have chosen that to happen

I didn't say that part out loud? Did you not see the strike through? I absolutely thought it. In the particular circumstances, it was very tone deaf and stupid of her to moan to me and expect my comfort after failing to provide any to me when it was really needed.

I did not feel the need to put all the details on here as it was just a passing comment. The fact that you and roseolivia felt the need to stick your boots in after reading it says a lot about you both tbh.

OK well as you pointed out I don’t know about the circumstances… I wasn’t being a smart mouth I genuinely thought you were being really nasty to your MIL and on a post about being insensitive to people due to prior experiences I felt it was relevant. However I am sorry that I clearly hit a nerve and deeply upset you. I think your upset over the scenario, which I know nothing of as you’ve noted - you certainly didn’t mention tragic events during your first post - is colouring your horror here. Absolutely nothing I said was that bad in reaction to the information I had available to me which was limited.

You are resilient.

There's been a social cultural shift and there are whole generations who identify with being victims of something or other and like to be very vocal about it. Everyone wants to be seen as special in one way or another through identity politics, despite it almost being tribal. Life today is very divisive.

I'm almost 60 and my generation of women were brought up to just get on with it. Life is full of challenges and adversity is something to be overcome. Stamina, self dependency and resilience were qualities that were admired. Don't crack under pressure. You can do it! etc. Nobody likes to hear wingeing or someone being a drag. The Buddhists believe that once you acknowledge that life contains suffering, then there is less pain. Maybe that's it. Personally, I'd rather have a nice glass of Prosecco and a laugh.

I'd say it sounds like you need a new set of friends. More heavy duty and like yourself.

I’m surprised you keep attacking this poster

Telling a crying woman to shut the fuck up, also isn’t a decent thing to do.

I mean it’s done, but as you posted about it I don’t think it’s right to attack someone with an opinion on it that you don’t like.

I completely agree with you. I was widowed when my children were very young - 3 under school age, so had to bring them up myself as I had no choice. Many years later, I still seethe (quietly to myself) whenever I hear or read someone complaining that they have to do bedtime on their own or get no help at weekends. It is doable and I am very proud of the amazing adults that I have raised.

I did mention the tragic events in my first post. Maybe if you took the time to read properly instead of your smart mouth gotcha reflex kicking in you would have seen it.

There does seem to be a sort of motherhood misery top trumps. I suppose what about mums who have a supportive partner but also have a disability or chronic fatigue illness, or ones where it seems like they should be doing ok because they have a partner, but behind closed doors the partner is abusive? Or their child has special needs, perhaps as yet undiagnosed, so the parenting is particularly relentless.

It's easy to think others have it easier but people may be facing all kind of challenges you don't even know about.

I have already said, I didn't say it out loud. But I did think it. She really ought to shut the fuck up. That's true for a lot of people tbh.

Another person hard relating here.
Another level I struggle with is how sad I feel at my friendships growing distant as I struggle to connect to their concerns.
They don't get if your solo/single with no back up you can't just sign up for an evening class or pop out - the dynamics are so different it's hard to relate to each other and that's sad.

I've found the best most supportive of friends to be those who are childless, there is no comparison with their own experience of coupled parenting

This sounds like resentment because you had to get on with it, hyper independence isn't a badge of honour its a wound. Its normal and acceptable to want and need support and I'm sorry you didn't have any. It sounds tough and like you have put up a big wall to protect yourself from feelings.

I completely understand this - my son is profoundly disabled and non-verbal with high care needs. When people I see ccomplain about taking out their older, well-behaved, neurotypical children I struggle not to feel frustrated that they don't understand how much I would love the same experience. But I also have to have a word with myself sometimes as I find it hard with my neurotypical daughter who never stops talking, and I have to remind myself how lucky I am that she does talk 😅 so I can see both sides I guess!

I’m disabled.

i was in an accident and badly injured my foot and leg. I had to learn to walk again. It was shit.

i very much have a get the fuck on with it attitude but I didn’t like having to sort out my own support post accident and organise my own wheelchairs and be refused nhs physio etc and frankly I’d like it if no-one ever went through what I did because sure I got through it but it sucked big time.

Yes we cross posted.

Bit weird to type it if you didn’t actually say it.

But either way, everyone is allowed to be upset for whatever reason, even if some of us have had it harder as you appear to have had.

I think you might in time. Not quite the same but I had a ten day old baby in my arms and a two year old with gran when a very uncomfortable doctor told us DH was never going to recover fully after an accident, in fact he was going to get worse. So I had to go back to work earlier than planned, I cared for him and the children. I know exhaustion. It is different now, yes he has got worse, I still get tired but the kids are grown and I'm retired and somewhere along the way I found my lost empathy. Good luck.

It was struck through, so I honestly thought it was pretty obvious I didn't say it out loud.

She is allowed to be upset, but she is not allowed to come to me for a moan and for comfort when she failed to provide any when I really could have used it. I didn't want to have to go into all of this, but she and her daughters were extremely cold and insensitive when my mum died. Eye rolls and abruptly switching subjects one month after she died because they asked where my necklace was from and I said it was from my mum, we found it wrapped and under the Christmas tree the day after she died (Christmas eve). Eye rolls when we said dh and Icouldn't stay out drinking because we were exhausted and hadn't really had a Christmas (because she had died very suddenly). There is a lot more. She then came to me a couple of years later because her delightful daughter had upped sticks to Australia and mil wanted to moan to me. Absolutely fucking not.

If you honestly cannot see why that is reasonable, I don't know what else to say to you.

And if by any chance any of this changes your mind and makes you or rose think "hmm ok maybe I get why notthe wasn't up for being her mil's shoulder to cry on", (I will not hold my breath obviously), maybe think about that before you decide to make comments about a very brief post you reallu don't get.

Sorry again op. I do get what you mean although I have not experienced the same thing. That was really all I wanted to say in my first post.