AIBU for not wanting contact after my estranged mother's death?

[ForUmberOtter]

This is a long one, so apologies in advance.
I'm in my late 30s happily married with young children of my own, and I've been estranged from my parents since I was about 25. I still have some contact with my three older brothers, but it's fairly low-key.

A few days ago one of my brothers rang to tell me Mum had died.

I messaged my dad to say I was sorry for his loss. He replied saying he'd like to see me.
The problem is... I don't want to.

In fact, if I'm being completely honest, I'm not even sure I want to go to the funeral.
The backstory is this.

I didn't grow up in what most people would call a normal family. We were not and are still not rich in cash more so assets and name not saying they’re struggling but they’re not cash rich but do own everything they have as it’s been in the family for generations. We weren't just comfortably off. My family own an estate that's been in the family for generations. The house I grew up in parts of it date back to 13th century. There was always a huge emphasis on family history, tradition, reputation and doing things "properly". I know that probably sounds ridiculous to a lot of people, but it was simply normal to me growing up.

I went to St Andrews, where there were plenty of people from similar backgrounds, and that's where I met my now husband.
He came from a perfectly lovely family, but a completely different world to mine. His parents both worked, my parents did not work, they did odd bits ie write for random things but never actually had jobs or went to work they were born always home growing up my father spent his time in local politics supporting his friends who were local politicians that sort of thing, played polo, attended horse races etc. DHs family they were comfortably middle class, but there were no country estates, or centuries of family expectations hanging over them. They were warm, welcoming and refreshingly normal.

I fell in love with him.

My parents were less enthusiastic.

At first they dismissed it as a university romance that would obviously fizzle out. Then the comments started. They'd tell me it wouldn't last, that I was making a mistake, that I'd regret throwing my future away. They never seemed interested in whether he made me happy. It was always about whether he was "suitable". They’d rather I married a rich boy from a similar background to me and just got on with life that way.

Nobody ever explicitly said, "He's not wealthy enough," but it didn't need saying. It was obvious. He simply wasn't from the sort of background they'd imagined for me.
Over time I realised there was nothing he could ever do to be accepted because the issue wasn't really him as a person. It was what he represented. I'd stepped away from the life they'd planned for me.

Eventually I stopped trying to convince them.
There wasn't one enormous row where everyone stormed out. It was more that I reached the point where every visit left me upset, every phone call became another conversation about how I was ruining my life, and I simply couldn't do it anymore.
So I chose my relationship.
And yes, in doing so, I chose a life without my parents.

Years later, we're still together. We've built a wonderful life, we've raised children, and the relationship everyone confidently predicted would collapse has turned out to be the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I've also spent time in therapy.

For a long time I carried huge amounts of guilt. I wondered whether I'd overreacted or whether I should have tried harder. Therapy helped me accept that sometimes you can love people but still recognise that having them in your life isn't healthy.

The strange thing is, I don't feel angry anymore.I don't spend my life thinking about them.I don't wish them ill. I don’t want their money or anything. I've simply moved on.

So when my brother rang to tell me Mum had died, I was sad in a strange sort of way. Not because we'd not had a relationship these past years we hadn't but because any tiny possibility that things might one day be different disappeared with that phone call.

I sent Dad a brief message because I genuinely am sorry he's lost his wife. They have always kept contact ie birthdays, they’ve always sent a text etc.
But now he wants to see me.

And I genuinely don't know why.
We've missed Christmases, my wedding, pregnancies, the births of grandchildren... all those opportunities came and went. Nobody ever picked up the phone and said, "Can we try again?"
Now, suddenly, because Mum has died, it feels like everyone expects the past to disappear.
It hasn't.

Part of me thinks I'd only be going to the funeral because it's what's expected of a daughter, not because it reflects the reality of our relationship.

My husband has said he'll support whatever I decide. He's never once encouraged or discouraged contact over the years. My brothers think I should at least meet Dad because I'll never have another opportunity.
Maybe they're right.

Or maybe I've already done my grieving over the family I lost years ago.

AIBU for not wanting to see my dad or even attend the funeral? Has anyone been through something similar and regretted staying away, or regretted going?

My circumstances were different. I was younger when I cut contact and he was a violent and dangerous man. But I don’t regret for a minute not going to his funeral. It would have seemed very wrong if I’d gone. Like gatecrashing a funeral of a complete stranger. There was no fear or hatred on my part. I just felt nothing. I’d said my goodbye when I cut contact.

I would only say to try not to let yourself be influenced by your brothers because they had a very different relationship with your parents, so they’ll be coming at it from their point of view, not yours. Also, I’d be very suspicious of the timing. Why does he want contact now? Who’d benefit? You? Or him? Is there some kind of expectation (even subconsciously) that you’ll step in to do all the duties that normally land on a daughter rather than the sons? Do your brothers have their own motives for wanting to encourage contact?

Also, I’d be very suspicious of the timing. Why does he want contact now?

It was OP who contacted him. Not the other way round. And durng that conversation he said he'd like to see her. Which is entirely normal, I'd say. What parent wouldn't say that when their child suddenly contacts them after decades of estrangement?

Yes, I know she contacted him first. I read that in her initial post. I was asking why he wanted to have ongoing contact with her now.

And I don’t think it is entirely normal. Not when they were aware that she’d married, or had children. She is clearly wondering similarly when she says We've missed Christmases, my wedding, pregnancies, the births of grandchildren... all those opportunities came and went. Nobody ever picked up the phone and said, "Can we try again?" All of those were significant events that went by without comment. She says they were sending birthday texts, so it’s not like they felt they couldn’t contact her. So why now? All these life changing events in the OP’s life and total crickets. One life changing event in her dad’s life and suddenly he wants to see her again. I’d say the timing is questionable.

I don’t put the details of my life on the internet. There’s more to life (well, to mine at least) than who you’re married to and who your children are. And, times change and life does things to people and things develop. What’s it all about in the end, anyway?

Not everyone has a life like yours, family like yours, reflexes like yours. There’s no single way to handle these things, as the different posts on this thread show.

No, but you highlight how important these relationships are. You seem to suggest that they should be nurtured. But if those people were absent for OP’s wedding, motherhood, pretty much her whole current life, they really weren’t nurturing it - and you can’t compensate for people who choose not to do that.

The birthday texts come across as adherence to protocol. Meanwhile their behaviour showed a total lack of support or concern. And they weren’t always elderly. The onus fell equally upon them to nurture the relationship.

And yes, there is more to life than your children and partner, but that is where my focus lies. I’m not embarrassed to admit that.

I’m talking as someone who has been estranged from my parents:
It’s not we don’t want them to call. What we don’t want is them to call pretending it’s all okay. That it was something in the past and we can move on. If they are going to call, they need to be calling with acknowledgement of what they did wrong and be willing to change.

For children to leave their parents from their life is so against everything we are people . We are wired to want to be part of a family group. So for that to breakdown, it has to be bad.

I do the these relationships are important, yes, but no single one is more important than the other. That “ranking” shuffles around over time doesn’t it. When children and young and fully dependent there’s often not even time for anyone other than children and partner…but once they’ve left home there’s too much time, at times, and others come back into focus. Nothing new here, I think this is completely normal.

I’m not suggesting at all that OP nurture a relationship with her dad. How can any of us know if that would be appropriate? But her mum has just died, her dad has just become a widower. These are seminal moments in a person’s life imo. It’s A Thing when you lose a parent as an adult, often.

I’ve never needed my parents to be present for my wedding and in da t live many thousands of miles away from them with my DH and DC so they’ve never been present in these grandchildren’s lives. But I have a relationship with them that’s based on them as individuals outside of my relationship with them as their child. We talk about their childhoods and lives, how they find things now, my life and hopes and regrets - all sorts of things including the weather and my children and politics and so forth. I’m pretty sure they’d want more from me but they’re not going to get it given they made my life so, so awful around the topic of my choice of life partner. They have the nouse to not go there. OP doesn’t need to go anywhere near that with her dad (frankly, at this time, it can’t be near the top of the list of things to discuss!), but did she not have an entire childhood and adolescence and early adulthood intimately sharing a life with these 5 people? Is that really all for nothing because 2 of those 5 didn’t approve of her husband? I’m not saying the floodgates have to open and OP and her children go running into her dad’s arms. Too late for that, too much has happened. But there’s a whole lot that can happen short of that.

Imagine ten years in the future. What would you regret more, going or not going?
If you go and it goes badly, will you be OK?

I would just carry on as you are & not go to the funeral or meet with your father.

You have done your grieving for the family they used to be and now they are just people you knew years ago.

@canklesmctacotits Thank you for that. That is really interesting to read and has opened my eyes a bit. You seem a lot more objective than I am but I’ve just arrived at the table and can’t really see the wood for the trees currently. What you say sounds a lot calmer and more reasoned than I feel - I do hope I get there one day.

Speaking as someone who is on the brink of it, for me, it just about trying to have peace. I don’t think people who haven’t experienced it can understand quite how antagonistic these relationships can be and how disruptive they are emotionally. I have tried and tried (and tried and tried and tried!) just to have a normal relationship with my parents. Civil conversations. Increasingly, situations are being engineered that just culminate in chaos and it’s become too disruptive for me and my family.

It’s only stepping away I can see the classic scapegoat, golden child and triangulation dynamics and they are absolutely textbook. For me, it wasn’t until my children came along and this relationship started being played out with them too that I stood up and said this absolutely isn’t OK.

OP’s situation is my big fear currently. That means there’s no prospect of this ever being fixed. But to fix it would require a reciprocal intent and there just isn’t any in my situation at all.

I know if I don’t do all the calling, all the visiting, there will be no relationship. But I can’t call. Not pride. Not punishment. But recognition - I have to take them on their actions, not what the Hallmark cards say. They show no interest in our lives. And actually, it’s time to just accept that and stop wasting our time.

I think you should go, you don't have to sit with your father and brothers if you don't want to, you can leave as soon as the funeral service is over.

Apart from the possible tension of seeing your immediate family, you might enjoy seeing aunts, uncles and cousins again.

You could regret not going, but if you go and it's causing your distress, you can simply leave, you won't lose anything.

Your husband should go for moral support.

Reading your posts, it sounds like your situation is quite different from mine. My parents were/are ultimately decent people by their metrics: they have their own notions of what’s right and wrong, which differ from mine, and they were prepared to put those notions ahead of my wellbeing. But it wasn’t easy for them to do that, they were torn and it hurt them (but obvs not as much as the alternative). Your parents sound like they don’t have your best interests at heart, any version of them. This is a whole different ballpark. They sound like they suck the life out of you for their benefit, rather than wanting what (they think) is best for you. This is the thing: one person’s estrangement might be necessary for survival or good health, another person’s could be a break before realignment along better, healthier lines.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do. None of this is easy but you are in charge of you and your children, and any expectations your parents may have are all in your head. They’re not real barriers. You are free to ignore them and the consequences of ignoring them. I always tell my D.C. that as long as they do the right thing by their own conscience, they’re not answerable to anyone else (except the law) and then I just hope and pray we’ve raised them well!

A lot of complicated relationships in my family so I have some experience of NC.

My dads mum died and he had hadn’t seen her in 25 years. He had a mixture of grief that his mum had died but also a grief of the relationship that never was, she was never the mum he needed. Some regret too.

Only you know how you feel, the funeral may be helpful for you, your last chance to say goodbye.

I think I personally could forgive my parents for what you’ve described, and would give your DF a tentative 2nd chance.

I didn’t speak to my DF for 7 years but decided to give him another chance because I didn’t want to regret it. and we’ve been back in contact for a few years ago and our relationship is better because I think he knows that he can not treat me that way anymore.

But only you know what is right for you

I would let sleeping dogs lie.

I'm nc with my family, and I feel the same as you now.
It's sad but we've all moved on. I wish my family no ill will, in fact I wish the best for them. However, life has moved on.

for you whatever you decide x

@canklesmctacotits Thank you so much. You sound very much like the parent I want to be. Raising strong independent children and giving them the space they need to be everything they can be. I hadn’t really thought what happens after that though! You’re right. There will need to be a recalibration. Thank you for giving me a glimpse through a more measured lens.

I wouldn’t go to the funeral, no. I expect it will be upsetting for you to hear about your mother in a different light than rings true for you. People will speak to you afterwards and those who don’t know you very well will be trying to comfort you and be confused by your reaction. Thst might be very uncomfortable for you. People who do know you might be hurt and ignore you which could also be upsetting.

From the other perspective, people who did love and care about your mother are likely going to be offended that you didn’t want contact when she was alive but do want to mourn her death. That can be very confronting for people who are deeply sad and emotional. It’s also disrespectful to your mother to have people attend her funeral who didn’t like her. Her moment of death should be about her and a celebration of her life. If you don’t feel able to celebrate her life because of what happened then don’t be there. Personally I think a funeral is for people who are mourning and not people who don’t want to be there.

its up to you whether you meet your father but I would. He may have changed or wish to apologise to you. He may be deeply grieving and want to see you because you are / were very important to him. Maybe he wants to explain. Maybe he’ll tell you the no contact thing and the judgement was never him and all your mother. Who knows. I’d probably bring your husband so you have support. You can’t get this moment back. Remember too that he may have not contacted you because it’s what you wanted and not because he didn’t care.

Perhaps losing your mother has made him realise that their disapproval of your marriage was not important in the scheme of things, and that he wants to try and mend things. Death can often put stuff into perspective.

Also, as PP's have said, perhaps it was your mother that was the person who had the main issue with your DH but he felt he had to back her up as her husband. Quite a lot of people think like that, I know my parents do.

The relationship with your father aside, attending an event like a funeral, where you will be surrounded by estranged family (and other people who know you’re estranged and will be watching your every interaction) is, IME, incredibly stressful. In my case just the anticipation in the run up was difficult (insomnia, anxiety), and on the day itself the adrenaline of being around people who had been so openly hostile in the past was nauseating.

You may feel you’re beyond that after all this time, or you may feel you’ll have enough ‘allies’ present (sounds like your brothers are still in the picture?) to ride out any resentment or awkwardness. But funerals are events that foster heightened emotions, and dysfunctional/hurtful family dynamics can be so deeply hardwired they can have the power to knock you sideways even when you believe old wounds have healed over.

Just a caution to protect yourself, OP, whatever you decide in terms of your mother’s funeral and your wider family.

FWIW, I don’t believe you should feel any obligation to attend for the sake of propriety, nor should you if you’re seeking closure - as you said, now she’s gone, there’s no hope of repair or reconciliation. If your father is seeking to build bridges, maybe your mother’s death could be a catalyst for that - but only if he’s sincere, and not if he’s just trying to ensure your attendance as an exercise in social face-saving.

I wondered if it was something like that, the antipathy to your partner coming from mum, dad not able to stand up to her. My dad was a bit like that. He wanted a quiet life, mum ruled the roost for the most part.

You said in your own post, you don't want to meet him. Are you only considering going because you think you should? I think any outcome to that visit will hurt. If he wants to repair and rebuild that would be difficult, or if he continues to be an arse, that would be difficult. It could open up a can of worms.
For me personally, I wouldn't go to the funeral. I couldn't sit there and listen to how wonderful that person was, when they couldn't extend that to me.

I guess the question is...do you want to hear what he has to say? Or are you content to continue without it?

I imagine the ops father would like to see her for purely selfish reasons. To appease his own grief.
Well he has had years to do that but only now reaches out to the op.
I think whatever the op decides to do is the right option.
All the best to you op.

I imagine your mums death has put a lot into perspective from your dads point of view and he probably now realising all the distance and the treatment over your DH really wasn’t worth it and it wasn’t right.

I personally would want to hear him out because I would always wonder what he had to say if I didn’t. I would have zero expectations but I’d want to know.

whatever decision you make it perfectly reasonable.

Its an opportunity to learn.
Its inevitably going to be painful if you go. Funerals are not a fun day out. I went to my fathers when i was on the last gasp of contact and, because of the way funerals are, I got to hear "Their side of the story" not as told to me, but what was being shared in public to their relatives and friends.
How they saw themselves. How they saw me and my children and our role in the family etc..its all laid out there. The piles and piles of lies, and the slightly terrified expectation I wouldn't contradict them in public, because that was really the the point when my mother knew that I knew. She did everything she could to 'manage it' but it was a total powershift.
Painful. Yes.
Awful. Yes.
Worth it ? Yes.

Please follow your own Intuition on this.
no one else can really know the back story.
Do what’s right for you, your family and your mental health x