Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

[PerfectTiming1]

DH has been talking about retiring for a few years. He has just told me when he would like to finish work and it coincides with our youngest starting secondary.
I feel a bit irritated by this timing. I was a sahm to our DC until youngest started school. I got a job that allowed flexibility and I did all school admin. Concerts. Assemblies. Sports Days etc.
It just feels a bit… convenient. Like he has waited until the DC need (significantly) less support to then be available. AIBU?

Sorry, what? Why? He’s retired now. Don’t just accept that!

And you just don’t answer the phone when school calls. Text dh 20 minutes later - ‘I had a missed call from school, assume everything is under control? Let me know if it’s serious.’
remember you keep saying hes a police/fireman type. He can handle a school issue.

Absolutely. DP is retired and he is the ‘go to’ man in the family for car lifts, car repairs, car tows, odd jobs, decorating, DIY, shopping trips, his side’s emotional and medical stuff, grandparent duties, AND our food shopping, a lot of cooking, most of the laundry, cleaning, gardening and DIY. He does some of the admin (ie his own stuff), online orders and collections, and all the car maintenance. He’s good to my two adult DC and their partners.

I’m still working freelance full-time, and I pay for more.

He’s loving life being ‘useful’ and I feel appreciated. (My ExH was awful to me.) He still has time for a past-time / hobby, and watching bizarre YouTube videos about prehistoric cave atmospheres

You just sound resentful full stop
I think you have to factor in the age difference
and whilst you don’t say his profession
it’s police,fire,or military there’s a reason they can retire in there 50’s
I think you just need a discussion around who does what
but ours at secondary had there own alarm clock sorted there own breakfast and lunch
it can be as hard work as you make it with kids that age

Could your DH just retire from full time work?

Working a day or two per fortnight will keep him in the loop in case you lose your job.

Secondary school is when all the costs increase for school camps, extra tutoring. School fees etc.

Could your DH just retire from full time work?

Working a day or two per fortnight will keep him in the loop in case you lose your job.

Secondary school is when all the costs increase for school camps, extra tutoring. School fees etc.

Exactly this

I don't agree with your points.
The age gap isn't massive, she says so perhaps she is 50 and he is 55. She is therefore perimenopausal or perhaps post menopausal and likely has some symptoms of that as most women do.
In general police/firemen, etc have historically retired younger as they had incredibly favourable contracts. They are less good now; it's the older folk who benefited from this. There is no particular reason why they should retire earlier than say a surgeon or a builder or anyone else in a very physically or mentally demanding job. It doesn't give anyone in those jobs a pass to do nothing from their mid 50s. As I said before, most of the people I know who had those roles took another job, started a business, etc afterwards.

It's also not the case that secondary age kids can be as hard work as you make it. In general, parenting becomes much more complicated at their age and they need far more emotional support. Sadly, many young people have mental health difficulties nowadays because of the world they are forced to live in. The academic work also becomes more important. Many teenagers have a lot of hobbies and need lots of lifts.

Absolutely, @rainingsnoring 👏

Yes, just tell him. And if he doesn't agree, make sure he understands there are consequences for it.

I felt like the youngest moving to secondary would be the green light for me to have more freedom and this ‘announcement’ has made me feel like I have no choice but to continue in my current role because he has retired.

I don’t really understand this- how would him continuing working been the green light to more freedom but him retiring won’t? Would he have taken more parenting on if he hadn’t been retiring?

Like PP I would take the angle of being delighted by this - ‘I’ve been thinking about going for a promotion/taking on extra responsibility, I’m so pleased you’ll be around for the kids after school/can take them to after school activities/ do school admin now as I can really focus on work a bit more’ etc.

Thing is though- if he thinks ‘oh crap this is not what I’d planned, I’ll stay working a bit longer’- what is the actual benefit to you? Presumably then you definitely will have to continue as you are now, whereas if he does retire life should be a bit easier? Or is it the money, you want him to earn more before retiring? Or resentment that he’ll be relaxing while you’re still working? Which I do get as much as everyone is saying the teenage years are hard (which I don’t doubt!), they are not as relentless as those 12 hour days at home with crying babies and tantruming toddlers.

I would tell him that I need him to carry on working for another couple of years to top up my pension pot since my own money was spent on subsidising the family childcare costs with my inheritance. He owes you equity in this relationship - you didn't have 4 kids all by yourself and it wasn't your responsibility to fund them through childhood using all your own personal money, while he grew his pension pot.
There's a lot of disparity in this relationship which needs to be addressed.

And absolutely, if he's home he should be doing the housework, food shop, cooking and primary responsibility for the kids. He chose to be an older parent and so he shouldn't get to opt out of that. Men who want early retirement with no responsibilities shouldn't be having kids who will not be adults at their retirement ages.

I think you to sit down and have a serious chat about what he thinks his retirement will look like.
Tell him that as the parent at home with more time he will naturally be delegated more of the household admin, kid stuff and keeping on top of chores.
He may have expected that to be the case or he may complain that he’s retiring and wants all his time to himself.
If he does the second, I would point out he is retiring from work not from his family/ children.
Over the past few weeks just with all the transition stuff of moving children to secondary schools, prepping for September, childcare for the summer holiday and working I’m now exhausted and using a phrase I should have started earlier
“ask your Dad”
its been quite refreshing as like Mums I’m the default person the kids all come to!
Have the conversation now before his retirement date arrives so everyone knows what they are doing, before resentment kicks in.
Im not sure spending your inheritance on your share of household bills etc so you could stay at home when the children were smaller was fair….
You will have made his life much easier by choosing to do this by taking on all the child/house responsibilities when the children’s needs were quite intensive.

Sounds like you need a discussion about retirement being from work not family life and as he has more time he can pick up more of the parenting side of things, to help support the team/family

Most people these days don’t have kids till they are in their early 30’s as it takes time to get an education, find a job you enjoy, get established at work so you are earning some serious money, and also meet someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. So consider yourself lucky if you did all that at age 25! I hadn’t even finished my Master’s by then!

You made the choice to spend your inheritance on not working though - hence the lack of pension now. You’re still making it sound like you had no choice when you very much did have one. Now your DH is making his choice - to take his pension.

How long does all this take in reality?

Sorting their bus passes - 30 minutes once a year
Making sure lunch account is topped up - 10 minutes once a week
Filling out the endless consent forms - for what?
Parents evenings - 2x a year for a couple of hours
Sorting their food tech ingredients - 10 minutes once a week when they need them
Concerts - once a year
Awards evenings - once a year
Checking on the app what homework they need to do and making sure they do it - the students should be doing this themselves!
GCSE options evening - once in 5 years
Attending meetings if they go on overseas trips - don’t send them!
Making payment for extra curriculars - 5 minutes on an app
Ferrying to extra curriculars - car share with other parents

I mean, it’s hardly a full time job. At best it would take an hour a week. Some people really do exaggerate how much time they spend doing school admin. It’s almost like they’re trying to justify being a SAHP.

I think you are being a bit premature with your resentment OP. You may find your dh takes to doing more around the home and parenting like a duck to water. He may form close bonds with your teenagers, he is going to have a lot of time on his hands and hobbies shouldn't take all that up. You seem to be feeling regrets about the past which is heightening your fears and feelings but the only way is forward so now up to you to shape your future.

But what has any of that got to do with retirement? And surely if the teen years are that bad then it’s good to have both parents at home. Btw not all kids go through all that stuff week in week out! Mine didn’t. We had one or two episodes but it wasn’t that bad.

I'm sure that the chores stuff will iron itself out.
Those criticising you for not liking him are missing the point.

The bigger picture here is that he is only 55 and retiring.
That's ridiculously young considering he might live another 25 years or more.

Don't underestimate how much a woman can go off a man when he doesn't work.
It doesn't seem to happen the other way around.

Unless he is super organised he'll probably just get fatter, more boring, always be 'in your face' (in the sense that he's never out of your sight not aggressive).
Proximity and familiarity are one of the biggest killers of attraction and breeders of contempt.

When people retire at a more usual time, this is not an issue but if you're still youngish, it might be.

Funnily enough, if there's a huge age gap it's not such an issue as for a man to get a woman 20+ years younger he's usually pretty driven.

You literally don't do any of it. You say to him "brilliant timing, you can deal with the school stuff now, here's a list of things and I'll update the school emails to your address". Then leave it.

If he won't do that, divorce and get half his pension.

It does sound like the financial split hasn't been fair over your working life anyway.

Is there any chance he could work part time as he would keep his skills and be bringing money in. Maybe money is not an issue for you both.

Parkinson's law.

Sounds like this has triggered a lot of built up resentment OP. You need to sit down and talk to him. You are not working together as a team.

So tell him that. He needs to be the default parent if he's retired and wants to stay married. He sounds pretty lazy so be clear from now.