To think one child is easy

[smooooothie]

Assuming NT, not unusually challenging … past a certain point parenting just one child feels really easy in a way multiple children don’t?

But I think it is bigger than just playing together. It's hard to describe, but it's that they've got another person, another relationship in the house that isn't their parents. And I think that changes the whole dynamic and complicates it but also makes it less intense.

It might be the particular little (middle-class) bubble I live in, but no one I know with an only child puts less effort into parenting overall than those with multiple - they concentrate it all on one child instead. Which obviously can have real benefits, but is also just a level of intensity that I know I, personally, wouldn't have been good with or enjoy.

Isn’t that the whole point? I don’t know what I’ve not understood, but if I’m doing reading with one child and that takes thirty minutes it then takes an hour because I’m doing it with both!

Yes it's easier. DH and I stuck at 1. Having more than 1 is generally a choice though.

I wasn't sure whether that was a response to me, but if so: I guess what I mean is that for people I know where I'd spend an hour reading with each of them for 30 minutes, they would spend an hour reading with one child and they'd do things I just don't, like flashcards. Which has lots of advantages for the child, obviously, but I don't actually think is a less intense type of parenting. Like the person upthread who said it was great that both parents could go to every football match - I know families where every weekend is entirely planned around the hobbies of their one child. You just can't do that with two and I, personally, prefer that. I know people who spend three hours putting one child to bed each night - it's often just me in the evening so that just isn't an option because there's another one.

I don’t think it’s easy but it can be easier than more children.

for me the hardest thing about parenting is the loss of freedom- freedom to work late or go out for an evening etc without effectively needing to make arrangements/ obtain ‘permission’. This comes with just one child aswell as more.

but when I have only one child around it feels calmer than when they are both there but then having them both there brings chaos but lots of joy.

I think I adapted to that fairly well, for me the unpredictability of parenting is hard but that’s virtually non existent now. It’s hard for me not to feel mine miss out. I know a commonly held view is that a sibling makes up for that it I’m not so sure I agree! Maybe I’ll change my mind.

I personally don’t find parenting one child (and everything that comes with juggling work/parenting/life) ‘easy’.

But without doubt it’s easier than having more, which I why we don’t have any more.

Know your limits and all that.

How old is your child @Dazedanddiscombobulated ? I don’t think any parenting is ‘easy’ before say 4, but for me adding another did make it more challenging shall we say … however once you’re past four it’s more enjoyable, and easy, with just one anyway.

as opposed to assuming you’re goady, I’ll answer you. It has its own challenges and advantages. I have a child who gets lonely, who always has to entertain themselves, and wishes they had a sibling. On the positive, I have a child who also has been given certain advantages, regarding travel that other kids haven’t. I am able to financially support their interests, have their friends over whenever they want, and go almost anywhere. If you asked her though, she would have given all that up to have another child in the house. So no. Not easier, just different

If you would sooner not answer because you believe I am goady, then I don’t mind at all arguably it’s quite provocative in itself to announce that prior to answering.

I do think there’s an assumption that two children will always want to play with one another and be inbuilt companions which I think is naive, as even siblings very close in age will be at different stages of development particularly when very young. And even if not (twins?) … you don’t always want to to play with the same person all of the time, do you?

How old are yours now? I did find the benefits vs extra work of having two shifted (positively) once everyone was at school.

I think things like bedtimes are easier- lots of parents I know with 2 both get involved (maybe read with one each) whereas with one we alternate bedtimes and it's lovely having half our evenings.

Also things like work- we've had times of both working full time (with some flexible hours) and the cost of wraparound childcare is fine, whereas for those with 2+ it quickly adds up.

My child has cousins who don't play with each other at all/ have very different interests and needs. But things like holidays/ swimming are harder with one as they want you to be their playmate all the time.

Most things, doing less is easier than doing more. What’s your point?

God I hope so … it’s the loudness and the demands I am struggling the most with, the endless shouts and squeals of indignation, one wants something and the other wants the opposite, how do you even begin …

Whats the point in this? To make parenrs of one feel like they have it easy and cant ever find it hard / complain. It’s all about your own capacity as parenrs. One parent might find one very hard and another have 10 kids and find it easy. It doesn’t matter. It’s about choosing to have the number of kids that you want and is manageable for you.

Apparently I don’t have one and am just being goady

(sorry but all these snarky ‘what’s the point’ posts are quite shitty actually. And THEY have no point, at least people are talking and discussing and it’s a fucking discussion forum!)

Well the POINT is that you can’t know what’s manageable for you until it’s already unmanageable; I suppose that is the POINT, since it’s imperative that every thread on here has a clear POINT and I am sick of seeing the word POINT.

these posters need to be stuck in a room with a giant pointing finger somewhere unmentionable

Isn't this just a giant case of 'it depends'?

Depends on the parent, depends on the child (singular), then depends on the personalities of the children, the age gap, the parental age, the location (do you have to watch their every move or can they be turned out to run in a safe space for hours)...

I had five children in seven and a half years. This was not five times as hard as having one child.

Probably does. I guess this is the problem, you can’t know. I’m going off my experience with one child yesterday and it was easy, not difficult or stressful in the slightest. Feel bad they miss out on so much.

Its holidays i notice it most. The families with just one are often looking for playmates.

I say this all the time in real life - the magic formula for the easiest number of children = however many you have, minus one! I remember having just one and finding it very very difficult. Now I have many 😅 and with each one I’ve got more practised (I wouldn’t even say better, just more experienced) at mumming - but the demands have increased each time 🤷‍♀️ so it probably all evens out to be honest.

It depends how much effort you put in. And, anyway, it's all relative. If you have 7 children, obviously looking after 1 child is easy. If you only have 1 child, you might not find it easy, especially if you put huge effort into e.g. their education, activities, spending quality time with them, cooking healthy meals.

4.5! We’re having a lot of boundary pushing and meltdowns at the moment. Also a bit clingy. Might be unsettled with the upcoming transition to school.

I found having one newborn REALLY hard. A newborn and a toddler was hard, but I found it much easier.

Yes one child is easy but you don’t realise that until you have another one. Until you have another one, your one child feels like hard work.