What to do about 4 year olds behaviour

[bodgejob4]

My dd turned 4 in May. She has always been quite spirited shall we say but usually well behaved, follows instructions etc.
This last week it’s like she’s had a personality transplant. Not sure if it’s developmental or something but her behaviour has been shocking. When we are out and about she is so silly, running about, shouting, messing about with things in shops to the point where a shop assistant had to tell her off. She has major tantrums and meltdowns but is laughing again the next minute.
I have explained to her about consequences and how if she doesn’t behave there will be punishments such as losing a toy or whatever. Today we went out and she’d been ok so I got her a colouring book but she was starting to act up a bit so I explained to her that if she didn’t behave in the last shop then she wouldn’t be getting the book. Cue ridiculous behaviour, embarrassment and me withholding it and her having a meltdown.
How else can I get through to her? I feel like ive
lost control of her and dont even want to take her out at the moment.

Very adult of you👍🏼

You should have manoeuvred yourself in the shop so your dd was in eye line. That was avoidable.

Being consistent and fair is the best way forward. Explanations are sometimes the way forward and sometimes it’s needed to just say ‘no’ or ‘stop that’.

Sorry, just matching the level of ridiculousness!

Taking away rewards isn't a good move. A different sanction would have been better. It's not surprising she had a meltdown, all the good was undone when you threatened to take the reward back.
4 is still very young, praise and sanctions needs to be instant. Most 4 year olds aren't going to behave perfectly for the whole day.

You're right, I should have - I apologise, I was having a bad evening and lost the plot at the wrong person. I'm a huge advocate for gentle (not permissive) parenting. My biggest breakthrough was when I stopped seeing my relationship with my little ones as adversarial. Kids don't test boundaries out of malice (even though it feels like that sometimes) they are asking for guidance, structure and understanding. It's hard for both of you when you have to maintain boundaries and there will probably be tears and big feelings but entering into a partnership with clear open communication and mutual respect now will pay dividends in the future. I also wanted to say, don't worry about 'performing good parenting' for people when you're out in public - if people don't like the way your child is acting or the way you're dealing with it, they need to do one. Good luck, it does get easier as they get older.

I appreciate the apology and advice. I struggle to know what to do for the best in these situations. It doesn’t help that there is never a break for dh and I as we don’t have family support and as Dh works full time most of the parenting falls on me. I keep stressing that this behaviour is new, she hasn’t always been so defiant in shops or in general. It all feels relentless at the moment and because my older child was never really like this it is new to me. It is hard to reason or even guide her when she is so far gone into silliness or meltdown.
I will try to rethink my approach and work on being more patient and reassuring.

I thought the same when I read that comment. So many grim little know-it-alls popping up on Mumsnet.

You can't talk them down once melting down. You just need to get them calm then work on teaching once calm. This weekend has been batshit. I've had to do 'time ins' which are like a time out but basically setting an alarm and having them sit with you to regulate, my kids hate it but it's the only thing that brings them round from the crazy naughty not listening madness and restores sanity enough to move forward.

Can you use alternatives to no?

Thats a nice idea, but we can’t right now.

Maybe next time/later?

Distraction- that sounds lovely, but I have another great idea!

Oooh- let’s talk about that!

This comment isnt intended to patronise - but why don't you do an online grocery shop. I rarely ever going into a shop these days.