What to do about 4 year olds behaviour

[bodgejob4]

My dd turned 4 in May. She has always been quite spirited shall we say but usually well behaved, follows instructions etc.
This last week it’s like she’s had a personality transplant. Not sure if it’s developmental or something but her behaviour has been shocking. When we are out and about she is so silly, running about, shouting, messing about with things in shops to the point where a shop assistant had to tell her off. She has major tantrums and meltdowns but is laughing again the next minute.
I have explained to her about consequences and how if she doesn’t behave there will be punishments such as losing a toy or whatever. Today we went out and she’d been ok so I got her a colouring book but she was starting to act up a bit so I explained to her that if she didn’t behave in the last shop then she wouldn’t be getting the book. Cue ridiculous behaviour, embarrassment and me withholding it and her having a meltdown.
How else can I get through to her? I feel like ive
lost control of her and dont even want to take her out at the moment.

No trust me, she is really difficult 😂😂😂
I am also incompetent, l can admit to that.
It’s Friday night though…have you nothing better to do than be nasty to strangers on the internet? Bless your heart.

Sorry OP but I'm another who's going to say that if the shopping assistant had to tell your child off then you are not adequately parenting whether you're authoritarian/gentle/somewhere in between. If the chips are down then you leave the shop with your child tucked under your arm if needed. You don't leave a stranger to do your job. As somebody who works with the public I can tell you that we absolutely wouldn't call a child out like this unless we really feel like we have to....

We were in exactly this positon 1yr ago with my DD1 and you'll be pleased to hear she's mostly back to her old self now. Read up on the limbic leap - there are massive brain changes going on in their heads at this age and combined with the moving to school, it does all sorts of funny things to them. It does improve!

Why are you taking a FOUR year old shopping - BORING!!!! No 4 year old ‘behaves’ well when taken shopping.

Stop taking her into shops

I see what you’re saying and believe me, I was
mortified. But this wasn’t a prolonged bout of bad behaviour that I just ignored. I was stood talking to the assistant about some material i wanted to buy for under 30 seconds and in this time dd was touching some items behind me. The lady just said ‘can you stop sweetie that or you might break them.’

Those saying don’t take her in shops, I won’t for a bit but sometimes it is unavoidable and she’s always been very good.

We had a friend whose DD was badly behaved in shoe shops at 8! There’s no definite age when dc improve and this upset was out of the blue but DDs start noticing things like shoes at school. I has an issue with one DD at a similar age - over shoes! DD2 was at a prep school that specified shoes with the uniform. Wonderful solution! So prepare for shoe arguments! In the meantime just do essential shopping when she’s with you. Introduce her to not touching things - although breakable things at child level is a red flag! Both for the shop and you.

Just came to say that my 4 year old
had the mother of all tantrums yesterday in a supermarket. It didn’t help that she wanted everything that she saw and did not take kindly to being told “no!”. She screamed on the floor, she shouted, she cried “this is allllll your faullllllttttt!” A lovely fellow Mum put my shopping through the checkout while I dealt with my little one screaming on the floor. I heard other people in the queue saying “she’s being so patient with her”, and although I was mortified, it felt good to hear that! I think the main thing is holding the boundary no matter what the tantrum looks like, and realising that it’s a phase. Staying calm is the most important thing and helping your wee one to regulate. My girl is usually lovely, and 9 times out of 10 this wouldn’t happen, but tantrums at this age are part of growing up and testing boundaries (and my resolve!) Supermarkets are so bright and overstimulating, I think this contributes. But ultimately sometimes I need shopping and it has to be done.

You’re not alone!

A few thoughts re supermarket shopping... you might need to start with a few bits then a bigger shop, building up to a big trolley. Give her a job. She can't read yet so give her a visual list of things to get. Just draw a few pictures on a piece of paper. 4 apples, 2 bananas, 1 juice etc. Maybe bring a little carrier bag or basket so she can get them independently. Make up little tasks, 'i don't know if this is the aisle with biscuits, could you go up and down and see if there are any biscuits', then thank her for her help. Don't ever go if she is hungry or tired. Someone told me once that part of tantrums in supermarkets are from temperature changes. I find this even myself, I get stressed. I'm cold in one aisle, then ok again. then too hot when packing up. Now I bring an extra layer and take it on and off and I find the whole thing much easier. That could be a factor to explore.

Same boat here. Our first child was basically an angel... the second? Wow 😂 He’s nearly 5 now and we still have really difficult days/moments, but we can calm him down much quicker than we used to, so his emotional regulation is definitely improving.
His biggest triggers are hunger and tiredness, but we’ve also noticed he’s always worse if he’s had TV that day. Screens really do seem to have a noticeable impact for him.

Things that have helped us are ofc setting and sticking to firm boundaries, and being really clear with, "What you're feeling is okay, but X isn't." Having the other parent (or anyone else) tag in/take over when things are escalating, it often diffuses the situation. Big, over-the-top distractions. A dramatic "OMG, is that a spider?!" has worked surprisingly well more than once! Knowing when to sit with them while they work through the big feelings, and when to step back. If he's shouting or hitting and clearly not ready to calm down, I'll say something like, "I'll be over here when you're ready." Sometimes continuing to engage just adds fuel to the fire, and if I can feel myself getting triggered too, walking away is the better option.

Also, the comments saying "just don't take them to the shops" aren't that helpful. It's not always practical to leave them at home, and they're children, not animals, we can't just avoid taking them out because they're having a hard phase.

@Blossomtop You usually have a DH around in the evening and weekend (or shift patterns making times different) but I mostly avoided shopping with dc. DH had them while I zoomed to the supermarket. They open late! I went to more specialist shops and hairdressers at weekend or when dc at nursery. Most of us don’t take 4 year olds shopping if there’s an alternative. We never went family shopping with dc at that age. Just no need with on line shopping. It just takes a bit of organisation.

I have always taken dd shopping since being a baby. I don’t think it’s bad for them. She’s always sat nicely in the trolley and as she got bigger has enjoyed helping me and often chatting away to people too. It’s genuinely never been a problem up until recently and I do think kids should have some understanding that occasionally they need to do boring but necessary things. Obviously I will try and make alternative plans for the short term for the sake of my own sanity but I refuse to sit in the house until this phase blows over.

A new development is that she seems to have learnt the phrase ‘worst mummy ever’ and ‘I want another mummy’ which is always nice to hear 🙈

I get that, but I think it can also depend on where you live e.g. when I’ve lived in towns whereby you go everywhere in the car, shopping becomes more of a pre planned activity, but living in the city and not using a car means that a lot of the shopping we do is in passing - so if we’re already out, I’ll nip in to the shops to pick up some bits for dinner or to buy milk - can’t avoid it if you’re already out with the kids! Let alone if you’re a single parent or other half does shift patterns etc.

Shortcomings 😂😂😂
I’m sure your children have never once had a tantrum. Go away troll.

When out and about she has to hold your hand all the time. No if or buts. Or hold the trolley. It’s non negotiable.
Also shopping is too much for some children. I tried to do it as little as possible with mine.

@bodgejob4 she sounds a lot like my DD who is now 10 and still rather "spirited".

Just give clear instructions and expectations and stay calm. When they play up just speak with a firm voice and explain what they have done wrong.

Make sure she gets plenty of attention when she is doing the right thing.

Watch some Supernanny videos!!

My DD will still play up and have tantrums (she hates being told no) but is much better at calming down now. We just tell her no once and ignore any bad behaviour as long as it isn't affecting others. She gets bored of being ignored and then apologises!

4 year olds are learning what boundaries can be pushed and some are much less accepting than others!

Solidarity OP. We're having a tough time with our 4-year-old too.

There is no need to be so hostile and please don't call me names. Children don't have tantrums, they have big feelings which they don't have the capacity to deal with on their own. They are not 'acting out' they are expressing a need. Parents should be helping them to understand and regulate those feelings and attend to those needs. Your child is not the enemy and they are not able to behave in the way you want them to without your help.

Ohhh we are struggling with our son and I’ve been wondering whether it’s the looming school transition that’s triggering some of it. I wouldn’t have ever called him biddable, but the behaviour has been so challenging lately. Lots of boundary pushing and deliberate naughtiness escalating to meltdowns. It’s been really challenging!

@bodgejob4 like you we have chats in the morning about being a team and family, which means listening and helping each other out, but it feels like once he gets started there’s no talking him down. He’s definitely not reward or consequences oriented, it’s all about the here and now.

Also @bodgejob4 , if it makes you feel better, the other night mine told me “I only like ice lollies and biscuits - not you or daddy.”

Probably developmental. My DS was like this around this age; he’d get so suddenly giddy and outside of himself it was like he was drunk.

He’s growing out of it but still has his moments. It’s within the realms of normal for many children, especially if they’ve started school or are overtired near the end of term. My DS does have ADHD however…

Children don't have tantrums

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I mean, if you’d said this in the first place instead of telling me to get a grip and talking about my shortcomings as a parent just because my kid is going through a challenging phase I might have taken it a bit more seriously.

Are you into gentle parenting by any chance?

This is exactly what she’s like. Really giddy and silly, shouting random words and doing daft stuff. Just not listening. Could be that she’s over stimulated by something maybe?