What to do about 4 year olds behaviour

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My dd turned 4 in May. She has always been quite spirited shall we say but usually well behaved, follows instructions etc.
This last week it’s like she’s had a personality transplant. Not sure if it’s developmental or something but her behaviour has been shocking. When we are out and about she is so silly, running about, shouting, messing about with things in shops to the point where a shop assistant had to tell her off. She has major tantrums and meltdowns but is laughing again the next minute.
I have explained to her about consequences and how if she doesn’t behave there will be punishments such as losing a toy or whatever. Today we went out and she’d been ok so I got her a colouring book but she was starting to act up a bit so I explained to her that if she didn’t behave in the last shop then she wouldn’t be getting the book. Cue ridiculous behaviour, embarrassment and me withholding it and her having a meltdown.
How else can I get through to her? I feel like ive
lost control of her and dont even want to take her out at the moment.

It’s tough when things change but she’s still learning how to express her self and not capable of understanding her emotions fully. Could be as simple as having new teeth coming through and hurting so acting up as a distraction or something may have upset or scared her so she’s is misbehaving because she wants your attention but doesn’t know how to ask. Maybe keep things very quiet for a few days at home and spend lots of time doing simple activities with her and plenty of cuddles.

Is she starting school in September? My very biddable and chilled almost 5 yr old has been wilder in the run up to this big transition. My ASD/ADHD eldest was even more effected. At least I was prepared this time.

For my youngest it seems to centre around fear of being a big kid and what that all means so lots of acting like a baby etc. it gets better when they start if it is that

The shop assistant had to tell her off? If someone else had to step up when you're
present I think that's your answer.

Stay consistent, keep enforcing boundaries and follow through with any consequences.

Is she at preschool or anything? She could be a little bored where she is and just ready to start school and be challenged a bit more during the day. Or she could be a little worried about it

Your Dd is giving you every indication that something is not right!
Is it the heat ?
Is it impending illness?
Is it because you expect more of her than she can cope with?
Deferred gratification isnt that useful for little ones. What counts to them is the immediate present.
Maybe shes dehydrated or getting a bug, or her shoes hurt her feet.
She is still too young to consciously articulate her feelings or wishes.
The meltdown just means she cant cope at that time.
I agree that you should make some space for simple activities and reassure her that

' mummy is noticing its getting hard for her to cope!'
Goodluck.

She is testing boundaries and trying to assert herself. It's your job to be consistent and push back. She'll find a balance it just sounds like she is going through a difficult patch right now. My friend who has studied child psychology for years always tells parents that it's a good thing when a child kicks off like this. It's showing a sense of developing their own identity, expressing strong will, asserting their place in the world. Yes it makes parenting hard but from a developmental point of view it's positive. A passive child is much more worrying. Just be firm and you'll come out the other end of it

This might be a time for tight helicopter parenting. She stays with you, always, You watch her, always. As soon as she looks crosseyed, you distract and deviate. If that doesn’t work, you leave. No lecture, no discussion, just pick her up and go. Leave your trolley of shopping behind if you have to.

You go outside to somewhere safe and you just wait while she gets it all out and, if that doesn’t work, it’s back into the car and home for a cool drink and quiet time with little reward.

If it’s a phase, you must have to take appropriate action through gritted teeth and wait it out.

I will add, seeing as it has been hot in Europe lately, little children don’t know when they are thirsty. They just misbehave. It’s up to you to make them take a moment (because otherwise they won’t) from whatever they are doing to have a proper drink of water at regular times. By that I mean a plastic glass 3/4 filled and they must drink most of it, No little sips.

If your daughter is going incomplete school in September, now is a good time to put in place a timetable. A good drink with breakfast, it’s recess time so toilet, wash, sit, eat and drink. Repeat at lunch time and again at after school time. It’s good to get their body clock organised.

Thank you for this helpful and empathic reply. The reason for this was because I was talking to the assistant about a product and dd was stood behind me, the assistant could see her better than I could at that moment and asked her to stop touching something in case she broke it. It was very embarrassing but I don’t have eyes in the back of my head and the lady was kind about it.

Your attempt to stick the boot in when someone is already struggling and asking for advice says more about you as a person than me. If I were that much of a shit parent I wouldn’t even be worrying or trying to sort it.

Yes she is starting school in September and yes she is in pre school already and overall well behaved there. It could be heat, or tiredness or an illness coming on. It’s just difficult to manage.

This really - I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to never make a threat you aren't prepared to carry out. All children should have the security that comes from knowing where the limits/boundaries are. Once they realise you mean it and will absolutely follow through, things usually change.

keep an eye on everything else though just in case there's something else going on.

I had this with my DD. My elder one was an absolute dream, barely any trouble at all, and then DD2 hit 4 and oh my gosh, all hell broke loose 😅

I kept up all the firm boundaries, I did reward charts and visual routines and behaviour expectations before literally any outing or task or transition. Bumping up the amount of food I gave her helped, because although she was a fussy eater at the time she did get hungrier due to growth spurts. So just more volume of the "safe" foods. Journaling also helped for a bit - one of those kids' Happy Self ones.

I think the only thing that really made a big difference though was time! Good luck 🤞

Thank you for the helpful replies. It’s good to know it’s not just me. My first child was also a dream so this feels like a bit of a shock to the system.
It’s the tantrums that kill me. Literally 0-100 whenever she hears the word no, then laughing moments later because she doesn’t really care it’s just a reaction to being told no. But in the moment it’s very stressful especially if we’re out. Also the silly behaviour, running off and touching things and just not listening at all when I’m telling her to stop.
Yesterday was awful and I gave her the big chat about consequences. This morning she was lovely and tidied up all of her toys because she said she was going to be good and get a ‘good consekence’ 😂 but as the day went on she was worse than before. Maybe she just gets tired.

Do you need to take her to the shops? If that is currently setting her off, I would avoid where possible. Please don't be embarrassed by tantrums, we have all been there! As it has been a sudden change it seems likely that something has changed, which could be school, excessive heat or something else entirely. Try and keep things calm for a.whole to see if it helps.

Just suddenly thought to say please dont be tempted to slap her.
She is just a little being still trying to understand the basic routines of life.
Tantrums is a regression but it is not deviant and slapping will not help.
People may 'tut' at you but so what.
Maybe you could establish a little reward system for shopping.
Eg. You can have a drink now or an ice pole.
Once she is used to the routine she will expect it and adjust.
Tantrums and melt downs are not a reflection of your parenting.
They are just an of overload on the childs capacity to understand.
Be very clear using easy phrases for the child. "Time to go now!"
For everything that has to end!
Keep it really simple.

It is. I'd say give her grace, watch for her needing more quiet time, more cuddles etc and try to ensure she has time to regulate. The laughing when told off bit is something a lot of kids do when embarrassed and in trouble, they have a strong emotion and comesout as laughter instead of crying

I really don’t think dc get the “consequences” mantra. It’s like “wait until your father gets home” - waiting for a consequence is not immediate and has no effect on behaviour.

I rarely took dc into shops at this age. Conflict avoidance. Don’t give her the opportunity to want something and then behave badly. Do something else with your time and shop when DH can look after DD. Makes life so much easier. 4 year olds are rarely great in shops and they don’t need to shop.

Also you can practice "no" at home. So you can start a game like : " find the chair and touch it! "
" Time to stop! "
You can hide your face with your hands and peek out t o see if she pulls her hand back!
Smile, laugh, clap or sing her a happy song as a reward .
Then try the next thing eg " find the cushion. Pick it up. " And then "time to put it down!"
See if she does. !
(repeat clap, sing, smile, laugh)
Then onto the next task.
She will be learning to respond to you.
I know these arent brilliant examples but you get the gist, I hope.

I will definitely be avoiding shops for now! Usually she’s quite good and sometimes it is unavoidable but it does seem to be a trigger.

Goodness why would you think she was going to assault the child?

I have to grit my teeth to take my 8 yr old ina. Supermarket. Gets overstimulated even now. My 4 yr old happily pushes a trolley beside me, my point being you're doing nothing wrong. Some kids manage supermarkets some really dont

This will pass Has anything happened? Has she been to visit her new school or anything similar. Explain the consequences fine but not while she's in a rage it won't go in.

Exactly what I was thinking

She's 4 years old - get a grip. You're the adult here and she is a tiny human being whose pre frontal cortex hasn't fully developed. She's not difficult, you're incompetent. Start meeting her needs and cut her some slack.

🤣🤣🤣