AIBU to question whether my husband's behaviour is normal postnatally?

[Boostchocolatebar]

I have lost the plot post natally as to what is normal or not with my husband - We have a 14 week old baby boy.

Is it normal for the husband to sleep in a seperate room every night?
Is it normal for me to settle the baby and sleep in this seperate room and wake up to an empty house whilst he has gone to work?
Is it normal for him to play golf every weekend?
Is it normal for me to have to pay to get groceries delivered otherwise there would be no food or baby milk in the house?
Is it normal when I had to take him to the hospital he drove in a seperate car so he could get home?
Is it normal he goes to bed when I am up tending to a feverish child?
Is it normal he goes to the health club after work instead of coming home to help me?
On Monday he was out playing golf and never came back until 11pm, when I questioned why he had been gone for 10 hours he said ‘it was only 9’.

AIBU to think all of this is completely off?

Might have been normal decades ago but it isn’t how parenting a young baby has every worked in my house.

Has his life changed at all since having a baby?

Sleeping in separate rooms is normal for some, but that isn’t the only thing on your list.

Put the baby in with him on weekend nights for starters.
Go somewhere in the evenings in the week so he has to be home, and sort the baby.
It is a pisstake.

Well of course not, you know that. He's not engaging with you or taking part in being a family.. He's being a useless, selfish twat. Talk to him or leave. He's not being fair.

There’s no such thing as normal. Many people have incredibly caring partners that put a lot of effort in to caring for you and their child, I’m fortunate to have that now but my exH was a different normal - selfish, selfish, selfish.

What is pertinent is if this is what you want in yours and your child’s life. He is showing you at every opportunity you and your child are (to him) not worthy of his time or effort.

All the rest aside, how did you take him to hospital if you went in separate cars? If he could go in a separate car why did you have to go? That's not taking him to hospital.

Did he take paternity leave from work? How did he behave then?

@Boostchocolatebar no it’s not normal. None of it is normal. You need a break and you need to tell him to pull himself together and raise his child with you.

I can only tell you what my dh was like and my youngest is 34.
I ebf but we never had separate rooms and dh always took the baby to settle him so I could go straight back to sleep, even when he had to be up for work.
Dh likes running and did some half marathons but his practice runs were scheduled to fit in with baby's routine.
Dh would walk baby to inlaws on weekend morning so I got a couple of hours rest.
He rarely stayed out late but tbf wasn't a pub person.
He would never have gone to bed and left me with a sick dc.
He embraced family life because that is what he wanted.

It might be normal for him . But it's not normal for you so you have a problem .
Have you spoke to him about his lack of care for you and the baby ?

Is it normal for me to have to pay to get groceries delivered otherwise there would be no food or baby milk in the house?

Why can't you go to the shop?

I do agree with you on many of your other points though.

I took it as the OP took the baby to hospital and he didn’t want to be in the same car so she could dash out home early. Maybe I misunderstood

Does the baby even know who he is ?

Sleeping in seperate rooms is common enough. We did this to maximise sleep as we looked after the kids in shifts as young babies so I didn't lose my mind from sheep deprivation. This was discussed and planned though between the two of us.

The rest of this is questionable. At best he's clueless and thinks this is all your job so never thought about 'helping'. At worst he's a selfish arsehole who is deliberately avoiding you and caring responsibilities and spending time with other people/women now you are tied up at home.

One question though. What's stopping you going out shopping yourself? Why are you stuck at home ordering food in? It was an easy trip out during the newborn phase. A gentle walk and snacks on tap.

It wasn't normal decades ago anymore than it is now.

No, he's behaving like an arsehole.

Was for me, I've been divorced 8 years since youngest was 4, mainly down to his complete lack of involvement in family life and the resentment that came with it.

My cousin has a 6 week old, her partner has only really been out to go to work, gets up in the night when she bfs and settles baby after, changes most nappies when he's there, he is basically doing the absolute most he can as a father which should obviously be the norm but often isn't.

You need firm words, and do not have another one with him. Shape up or ship out!

A lot of people do sleep in separate rooms at least some of the time, if one partner is at work. But usually there’s some element of swapping or pitching in at the weekends.

Getting groceries delivered is normal for a lot of people anyway.

The rest of it is not normal in any sense of remotely acceptable.

On some level you know this is completely not ok. When I was getting therapy because my family was abusive my therapist gave me the best advice ever. Never let the person who is being abusive (or is your case behaving appallingly) be the arbitrator of what should be considered appalling behaviour.

They belong in the dock not in the jury.

Essentially he was telling me not to allow myself to be gaslit.

It has been advice I have lived by ever since. Your husband belongs in the dock not in the jury and those in the dock would always allow themselves away with anything.

About the only way this could be considered acceptable is if he didn’t want a baby, you did, and you had an up front agreement that he would basically be a sperm donor. That’s what he’s acting like.

Did he used to go out this much before you had the baby? If not, he’s royally taking the piss. If he did, he’s still taking the piss, but benefit of the doubt, he’s just too fucking stupid to realise this needed to change.

You need to sit and talk to him because otherwise this resentment will kill your relationship. Ask him how he thinks it’s fair that he’s leaving 100% of parenting and household jobs to you. Ask him when you are supposed to get a break, because right now you are working 24/7 and he’s doing an 8 hour day at work then gets to relax. That’s not on. If he doesn’t see parenting as work, then why isn’t he doing it as well?

If you need shopping, TELL him he needs to pick it up on his way home from work. If he “forgets”, you send him back out. If the baby cries, send him to the baby - don’t automatically get up. If you want him to say goodbye before he leaves for work, tell him this - it’s possible he’s trying to let you sleep if you’ve had a bad night (I’d have murdered my husband if he woke me to say goodbye with how often our second had me up in the night).

He’s a selfish prick - but if he was a good husband before the baby, it might be he’s just stupid and will shape up when you point this all out. If not, remind him of you leave his sorry ass, he’ll he losing his life in maid, and he’ll he forced to parent his child half the time. I have a friend who points out to her husband when he’s being a twat, that it will be VERY expensive for him if he carries on acting like that…

Combined, it’s clearly unacceptable behaviour. What did he do before the baby arrived / the pregnancy?

Is there anyone he would listen to, if not you? Would his mum be supportive?

The only "normal" thing perhaps is separate rooms. The rest is only normal if he's a raging arsehole. I'm sorry you're in a place where you even have to ask this question.

Sounds like you genuinely never see him, are you basically ships in the night?

We slept in separate rooms for about 6 months after DS arrived, but the main point of this was we took shifts so that neither of us went mad from sleep deprivation. Also we talked about it all, nobody just fucked off to another room. And if the baby was unwell, the other one would always always get up to help, that was a given!

Your husband sounds really disengaged from this baby. How was your relationship before the baby arrived? Does he work a phenomenally stressful job with long hours? It all sounds a bit miserable, you really do need to sit him down and have it out with him. If his plan is to let you feel like a single parent then really you may as well be one.

Why did he want a kid?

Believe his actions and words, this man doesn't like you.
Plan your future accordingly.

He doesn’t seem to care about you or the baby. What was he like when you were pregnant?

Some things will be normal for some people. There wasn’t online grocery shopping when I had my babies so I did it all in person. I was on mat leave and had the time. DH slept in the baby’s room for the first few months as I was BF and got more sleep having baby in with me. DH was on chronic pain meds so it wasn’t safe for him to cosleep. I’d stay up with a sick baby as I was on mat leave and didn’t need to work the next day. Plus I was the only one who could do the feeding. This all changed when I went back to work though.

The rest isn’t reasonable at all. Is this new behaviour since the baby was born? As is often said on these posts you should be getting equal leisure time.