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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to question whether my husband's behaviour is normal postnatally?

69 replies

Boostchocolatebar · 03/07/2026 13:37

I have lost the plot post natally as to what is normal or not with my husband - We have a 14 week old baby boy.

Is it normal for the husband to sleep in a seperate room every night?
Is it normal for me to settle the baby and sleep in this seperate room and wake up to an empty house whilst he has gone to work?
Is it normal for him to play golf every weekend?
Is it normal for me to have to pay to get groceries delivered otherwise there would be no food or baby milk in the house?
Is it normal when I had to take him to the hospital he drove in a seperate car so he could get home?
Is it normal he goes to bed when I am up tending to a feverish child?
Is it normal he goes to the health club after work instead of coming home to help me?
On Monday he was out playing golf and never came back until 11pm, when I questioned why he had been gone for 10 hours he said ‘it was only 9’.

AIBU to think all of this is completely off?

OP posts:
Member984815 · 03/07/2026 14:02

I can only speak from my own experience of my husband and my own father and no its not normal, how was he during the pregnancy? My dB slept in separate room and carried on a bit weird left the hospital while his wife was giving birth I found this out later from his wife and I was disgusted. If its any consolation he is a good father now but tbh I think his wife wanted kids and he really wasn't bothered either way. It made me view him differently he was always great with my kids , I couldn't wrap my head around it.

Silverbirchleaf · 03/07/2026 14:05

We did sleep in separate rooms so Dh could get a decent nights sleep for work. Also, I’d rather be left to sleep in and not disturbed when dh got up for work.

Regarding shopping, who did the shopping before baby was born. I don’t see that as a problem for you to order the food, although he could check to see if there’s anything needed he could get in way from work.

However, he shouldn’t get out all day, and should prioritise you bc over a feverish child. I don’t think it’s wrong for dp’s to continue with hobbies, but it’s a bit different playing badminton for a couple of hours once a week, to being out a lot.

SueKeeper · 03/07/2026 14:06

Pick your battles, you've started with the most normal things that many happy couples do to maximise sleep (separate rooms and going to work without waking/disturbing you to allow you more sleep. I also don't understand how you can't get shopping yourself, if you have two cars for the hospital run.

The golf every weekend, health club after work and not bothering to stay in touch are the battles to pick - he's not acting like a parent at all. Have you triee asking him to help, saying you need a break and asking him to settle a feverish child? There's a difference between unaware and unwilling, if there's a little chance he's just unaware if want to see if I could manage it. It's more likely he's selfish though, so decide what you want, irrespective of normal, and what your red lines are.

SilenceInside · 03/07/2026 14:06

Is it normal for the husband to sleep in a separate room every night? - yes it can be. My DP mostly did, he snores terribly sometimes and I found it deeply irritating when I was up feeding baby and trying to get back to sleep.

Is it normal for me to settle the baby and sleep in this separate room and wake up to an empty house whilst he has gone to work? - normal for you to settle the baby, but not normal for him to go off to work without speaking to you. Unless he has to leave very early??

Is it normal for him to play golf every weekend? - that's not fair on you. When do you get the same amount of leisure time?

Is it normal for me to have to pay to get groceries delivered otherwise there would be no food or baby milk in the house? Well, I would normally have done the online food shop and arranged delivery and carried on doing that whilst I was on maternity leave. But if you mean that he knew that you hadn't got round to doing it and didn't care enough to sort it out, then that's not ok.

Is it normal when I had to take him to the hospital he drove in a separate car so he could get home? No, that's just selfish and inconsiderate. It also shows that he really doesn't view himself as a parent, sadly, in my opinion. He was just waiting until he could leave and leave you to it.

Is it normal he goes to bed when I am up tending to a feverish child? - it could be, if that's what had been agreed. But if you mean that you were massively sleep deprived and he didn't care about that at all, then no.

Is it normal he goes to the health club after work instead of coming home to help me? - no, that's not on either. When do you get the same amount of leisure time? It isn't "helping" either, it's doing his fair share of parenting, which he doesn't seem to think applies to him.

He doesn't seem to think that he is equally responsible for parenting and caring for your shared baby. I would be asking him why he thinks what he is doing is ok, because it's definitely not.

Original poster
Boostchocolatebar · 03/07/2026 14:09

FullLondonEye · 03/07/2026 13:42

All the rest aside, how did you take him to hospital if you went in separate cars? If he could go in a separate car why did you have to go? That's not taking him to hospital.

I took the baby to hospital in my car - then he drove behind us. He was with us in A and E then left when we got admitted to the ward and did not come back until 9pm the next day

OP posts:
Original poster
Boostchocolatebar · 03/07/2026 14:12

KnickerlessParsons · 03/07/2026 13:45

Is it normal for me to have to pay to get groceries delivered otherwise there would be no food or baby milk in the house?

Why can't you go to the shop?

I do agree with you on many of your other points though.

We stay in the middle of nowhere - Its a 10-15 minute drive to a petrol station

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 03/07/2026 14:15

How much parenting does he do? What household chores?

GinaandGin · 03/07/2026 14:15

FullLondonEye · 03/07/2026 13:42

All the rest aside, how did you take him to hospital if you went in separate cars? If he could go in a separate car why did you have to go? That's not taking him to hospital.

I think she means when she went to hospital to have the baby

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/07/2026 14:16

No it's not normal OP other than among really shitty men who don't care about supporting their wife or child.

My husband dropped his hobbies for a few months until we felt like we were in a routine where I could easily cope alone

He said it was hard work looking after a baby so not to worry about housework and chores in the early days, he did everything after work and weekends until the baby was older and I was naturally getting more breaks

He would check in that I was OK before he arranged anything evenings or weekends because he was an equal parent and realised that when he was away, my workload increased and it wasn't fair to put that on me

We did sleep separately as I was breastfeeding. But sometimes the baby would go in with him and he would do the changing, and settling and literally just bring the baby for a feed then take them away and burp them etc

Your husband is meant to be an equal parent and doing half of everything out of work time.

Blackcatahotcat · 03/07/2026 14:17

TheBrunswick · 03/07/2026 13:44

I can only tell you what my dh was like and my youngest is 34.
I ebf but we never had separate rooms and dh always took the baby to settle him so I could go straight back to sleep, even when he had to be up for work.
Dh likes running and did some half marathons but his practice runs were scheduled to fit in with baby's routine.
Dh would walk baby to inlaws on weekend morning so I got a couple of hours rest.
He rarely stayed out late but tbf wasn't a pub person.
He would never have gone to bed and left me with a sick dc.
He embraced family life because that is what he wanted.

You’ve described my oldest son. He has a one year old and a one month old. His partner is very capable but he’d just rather be with them doing his bit

FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 03/07/2026 14:18

The only thing that is remotely normal is sleeping in separate rooms. My DH and I did this so that at least one of us got some sleep and I was BF so made sense for it to be me.

BUT he used that energy to give me a break whenever he could. Told me to go back to bed on the weekends, take naps and only woke me to feed the baby. Did all grocery shopping. Didn’t go back to his hobby until o was feeling more human and encouraged me to go back to my hobby as soon as possible.

This is his baby too!!!! Sounds like he is working 8 hours a day and yuh are working 24 hours a day. This is not fair. You need to read him the riot act! And ask your Mum and MIL (and father/FIL) to give you a hand occasionally. That should shame him into meeting his parental responsibilities. Hopefully they will ask him, why aren’t you doing XYZ. There’s a risk he just thinks he has three women skivvying for him!

GreenHeart20981 · 03/07/2026 14:19

Not normal or acceptable. OP what was he like before the birth of your child? Is it your first child? What was he like during your pregnancy? Is there any chance he is struggling and depressed? Either way id speak to him and get him to talk. If he's just being useless and selfish I doubt anything would change in which case you need to ask yourself if you are prepared for two babies instead of one.

SweatiestTaboo · 03/07/2026 14:20

He sounds incredibly selfish. Is that normal? Well, there seem to be awful lot of men around who just carry on as if they have no extra responsibilities when they become parents…so depressingly, maybe it is?

Did he do anyshopping, cooking, housework etc. before you had a baby?

Was he caring and did he prioritise you before??

Has he changed since the baby was born, or was he a selfish arse you thought might change?

hangonwhilstioverthinkthis · 03/07/2026 14:22

Based on a trillion Mumsnet threads/posts yes, all this is very normal. Seems all too standard for the mums life to change beyond recognition whilst the dad maintains a huge amount of his routine/life before the baby arrived.

Acceptable on the other hand, not in the slightest.

Many families it seems the father figure never has the time with the baby that the mum has (the relentless day in day out it's all on you stuff) so have zero understanding of why you may not have gotten to the shops that day, why you need a break when he gets back from work, how utterly debilitating it is to be sleep deprived....many more examples but you get the gist. It's infuriating that it seems to require spelling out multiple times, but does seem the families who cope the best are the ones where the stay at home parent communicates their needs often and with feeling.

Devilsmommy · 03/07/2026 14:22

KnickerlessParsons · 03/07/2026 13:45

Is it normal for me to have to pay to get groceries delivered otherwise there would be no food or baby milk in the house?

Why can't you go to the shop?

I do agree with you on many of your other points though.

I understand not wanting to go to the shop with a baby especially if you have a husband who could quite easily go for you. OP your husband is a twat. My DH would never have put us in a situation where there was almost no formula left. I remember one morning him going to a Tesco at 6am to get some formula and bottle teats Even though he had to be at work for 7am and he didn't drive. Sounds like your husband expects nothing in his life to change and expects you to do everything. Think carefully about how you want life to look going forward. You're supposed to be a family

SilverPink · 03/07/2026 14:23

Gardenisablooming · 03/07/2026 13:45

Does the baby even know who he is ?

My thoughts too.
He sounds a selfish twat and I think OP probably knows that.

Skyflier · 03/07/2026 14:23

My first husband was a very junior doctor when our first DS was born. He worked incredibly long hours and was studying but was still such a hands on dad. He adored our son and would have done anything for him. I offered separate rooms but he refused. I felt cared for and loved. Do you feel like that OP because you should x

FullLondonEye · 03/07/2026 14:26

Boostchocolatebar · 03/07/2026 14:09

I took the baby to hospital in my car - then he drove behind us. He was with us in A and E then left when we got admitted to the ward and did not come back until 9pm the next day

Show quote history

Is it normal when I had to take him to the hospital he drove in a seperate car so he could get home?

I see, I read it as you taking your partmer to the hospital rather than the baby. Yeah, it's still a shit show. Did he have any interest in having a baby?

Fleetheart · 03/07/2026 14:27

He sounds totally lacking in empathy. What was he like before the baby?

NeatPinkFinch · 03/07/2026 14:32

Trickedbyadoughnut · 03/07/2026 13:49

No, he's behaving like an arsehole.

This OP. Can you leave him and find any support elsewhere?

TheSandgroper · 03/07/2026 14:33

When we became parents, dh wanted to be a parent and wanted to parent. He came home after work, he changed nappies, he bottle fed when needed - he did not go to golf for hours, he did not go to the gym.

Whatever a bloke could do, my dh tried his hardest to do.

Your husband, however, is trying his hardest to leave you alone. I am so sad to say you need to never forget this time. It’s supposed to be your bubble and he, instead, is showing you who he is.

A kiss for your baby from Australia and a hug for you.

Onegiantpupil · 03/07/2026 14:39

He’s being selfish! I would straight up ask him do you want to be a parent and a good husband because at the moment you are neither and see what he says. If he doesn’t improve I’d seriously think about leaving/booting him out!

You are both parents and yes while young babies will cling to their mums a lot, he needs to work with you so you are a team

I ebf mine and he wanted feeing constantly and wouldn’t sleep well unless he had contact so it was hard going. DH couldn’t help the same way he could if DS was bottle fed. But even so he did loads

For sleep we took it in turns in the early days. I would go to bed early 7ish and sleep till around midnight/1am feeding if needed (DH would bring DS up to the bed) Then DH would bring the baby upstairs while trying not to wake him and I would do till 6/7am and we would have breakfast

DH would make me cups of tea when I was cluster feeding, get the food shop, cook dinner, spoon fed me dinner I remember on one occasion! Make me a snack plate up. Take DS out in the pram so I could rest and get on with things. When DS had to go to hospital in an emergency DH wasn’t allowed on the ward (Covid legacy) DH sat in the waiting room in case we could go home. Changed bedding and held DS when he had a bug and had thrown up all over his cot and me. Went out for ibuprofen in the middle of the night when DS was poorly. We took turns changing nappies (not as in literally taking a tally but it wasn’t all left to me)

DH still went to work and of course it was just me with DS in the daytime but we worked as a team when together. He still went out with friends although not all day every weekend!

He has absolutely no excuse and I would find your anger OP.

I hope you read what other PP’s say and take heart that this is not the actions of a loving husband and father and that it gives you the strength and piece of mind to challenge your DH

Original poster
Boostchocolatebar · 03/07/2026 14:52

GinaandGin · 03/07/2026 14:15

I think she means when she went to hospital to have the baby

Show quote history

I drove myself to hospital to have baby too

OP posts:
cocog · 03/07/2026 14:54

Absolutely not he’s opting out and leaving parenting to you don’t have another child with him he’s a terrible father.

Onegiantpupil · 03/07/2026 15:00

Boostchocolatebar · 03/07/2026 14:52

I drove myself to hospital to have baby too

Show quote history

Unless he was in another country, incapacitated with an illness or hours away on a work trip/booked holiday then he is a prize prick OP