AIBU to question whether my husband's behaviour is normal postnatally?

[Boostchocolatebar]

I have lost the plot post natally as to what is normal or not with my husband - We have a 14 week old baby boy.

Is it normal for the husband to sleep in a seperate room every night?
Is it normal for me to settle the baby and sleep in this seperate room and wake up to an empty house whilst he has gone to work?
Is it normal for him to play golf every weekend?
Is it normal for me to have to pay to get groceries delivered otherwise there would be no food or baby milk in the house?
Is it normal when I had to take him to the hospital he drove in a seperate car so he could get home?
Is it normal he goes to bed when I am up tending to a feverish child?
Is it normal he goes to the health club after work instead of coming home to help me?
On Monday he was out playing golf and never came back until 11pm, when I questioned why he had been gone for 10 hours he said ‘it was only 9’.

AIBU to think all of this is completely off?

It’s normal behaviour for selfish arseholes but I think the majority of people would find it unacceptable. I couldn’t be with a man who showed so little regard for his family.

It's not normal. He may also start to blame you for having no time for him. You need a long talk or counselling. This shows you the man he is.

Normal to take two cars. But why didn't he come back until 9pm?

What was life like before the baby?
Did you talk about how things would be after?

I'm struggling to see what he brings to your life other than angst and resentment.

How would life be without him in the house? Could you manage financially?

Another separate rooms couple here - that seems quite normal to me (although I’ve had some people seemed shocked when I tell them). I EBF and the baby bed shares with me (safe sleep 7 - refuses the crib and has done since 4 month sleep regression), my partner works full time while I’m on mat leave until next year. Makes sense to us, I don’t want the worry of my partner rolling on the baby nor do I want to be making everyone sleep deprived as frankly he is like a horrible grumpy teenager if this is the case while I operate well on limited sleep. We had the convo before baby was born to agree this set up and spent £5k making the guest room my dream bedroom - I love it so much I may never move back in with him 🤪. We’ll switch things up again when I’m back to work but there’s no hurry, our baby is Velcro so won’t be moving out of the bed anytime soon. We cuddle together in bed on the evenings and on weekends. I also wake up to an empty house when my partner has gone to work, but to be honest that’s my preference - he’s up at 6:30am and we are in a phase where baby and I don’t wake up until 8am, I have enough night disturbances happening without him popping in too! The rest feels a bit over indexed in his favour from your description? I did have to have a chat with my partner in the beginning, he randomly took up running and trying to meet up with his brothers weekly, as well as wanting to use the gym (we have this set up at home) every night. Then there were grand plans of football season tickets and how he might learn golf and other such nonsense. I was getting resentful and pulled him up on it after it went on for a few weeks and more was falling to me to do, but then he had a bit of a cry that he was struggling to adjust to the change, so I think he was grabbing at man cave hobbies to try to get some sense of normalit’s / control of his surroundings. We were better for that conversation and now have I
better balanced in that regard, he will run on certain nights / weekends and we might join for a walk or run with him, or he’ll take baby so I can then go do something I like to do. I would have the chat but also be aware you’ll be raging with hormones - took me about 3-4 attempts to cover this where I wasn’t just telling him off because of postpartum rage and was being open to hear how he was feeling (which is where some genuine tears and big feelings came out - noting my hubby never cries!)

He's acting like a single man who doesn't have a wife or baby. Was the baby planned? He seems to think it's just yours to take care of.

Sleeping separately works well for a lot of couples, it did for us, I was EBF and coslept and found it easier to have the space and not have another person making noise/moving. But if you don't like it / it doesn't work for you then you need to tell him.
"wake up to an empty house whilst he has gone to work?" surely you want to sleep whenever you can, he has to go work. My DH would often start work and me and baby still asleep, why would he wake us.
I hope you're not paying out of your own pocket for food and formula, but getting everything delivered is surely ideal.
otherwise that's not OK how much time he's taking for himself. You both need equal time to yourselves.

Not normal in my house but I already knew my husband wasn't selfish before I had a baby with him.

This sounds dreadful- his life hasn’t changed - dreadful husband and father no use to either of you what so ever!

oh OP 😞 I’m so sorry but it sounds like you got a very selfish man there as a partner and maybe he’s always been like this but it’s more obvious now you have a baby!

Obviously. YOU know that!!

He sounds like he's single in his mind and he's done what he can to make that happen except asking you for a divorce. He's completely checked out of your marriage and any parenting.

Prepare to be a single parent.

Jesus Christ. And what made you want to have children with this man?!

You lost me at the point where you said you took him to hospital but went in separate cars!

Does he have any good qualities? Has he ever even changed a nappy or held the baby for longer than a few minutes? It must be very hard to hear but it sounds like he doesn’t really like you or your child

That's is just heart breaking 💔. I'm sorry OP

Only normal if the dad is a selfish arsehole who doesn't love his wife or child.

You must know this is all wrong. Feel so sorry for you. I didn't see any mention of other support that you can access. If you have no other family near by perhaps start by talking to your G.P. about referrals for professional support.