AIBU to ask my parents to stay in a hotel?

[Nosuchthingastoomanypets]

My parents house is having some repair work done on it at the moment and my parents asked if they could stay with us until the work was done. We weren’t exactly jumping for joy at the prospect but reluctantly said yes because of the circumstances.

We are only a week into them being here and they have done nothing but moan. 😭

We have 2 children who are both home from university for the summer. They are working part time, going out and seeing friends, having friends over, sometimes coming home in the early hours from work or after being out socially, up late gaming some nights and just doing what young adults that age do. They do their share around the house and are respectful.

My parents are complaining that they are being woken up by our children coming home late, gaming at night and chatting to friends. The kids keep the noise to a minimum at night and come in quietly when it’s late but obviously they aren’t silent.

It’s not just nights. If my kids have friends visit in the daytime, my parents are questioning who they are and how long they’ll be here. They’re monitoring how much alcohol they’re drinking, what food their friends are eating at our house, what they’re doing in the garden like playing basketball, moaning about them playing music and reporting to us what time they and their friends came home and left. My parents say they have no privacy as there are always people in the house and when I say that they have a bedroom if they want privacy, they say they want to be able to sit downstairs and have peace.

We have told my parents that we aren’t prepared to tell our kids that they need to stop doing any of what they are doing and it’s not a problem to us.

We also have dogs and my parents expect them to be kept downstairs. Again, we have said no. They can close their bedroom door and not let the dogs in their room.

I am here to moan really, I feel like asking my parents to leave and go to a hotel until their house is ready if they don’t like it but I know this won’t go down well. How the hell do we all cope? My kids are fed up of being moaned at and questioned. My husband is also ready to tell them they need to leave. They could be here for another month or more yet as they have taken the opportunity to have some other updates done to their house 😭

Sounds awful, bloody cheek. They should just be grateful to you & pitching in to help not moaning. Maybe suggest if they are unhappy they might prefer to stay elsewhere?

Will this be relationship breaking? Are they likely to be horribly offended? I can’t do more than 2 nights with my mother, so I’d say ask them to stay elsewhere.

Have you actually told them what you’ve said here? They’re monitoring alcohol consumption and want privacy downstairs in a communal area?! Batshit.

Remind them that they are welcome but they are guests and are not currently acting like good guests. This is your children’s home and they are allowed to live in their home as they always do. Remind them that if it’s not to their liking you’d completely understand if they decided to make alternative living arrangements.

They are guests in your home. I’d politely say this seems to be stressing you out so much have you considered an AirBnb. Then say you’re just thinking of them as they clearly didn’t remember how it is living with young people, and this is their home and if you’re ok with their comings and goings then your parents need to suck it up, or leave.

You’re doing them a huge favour and saving them a lot of money. They need to shut up and be grateful or move out. Your kids are just doing what kids do, and it’s their home. So I agree, if they don’t like it, they can spend money for peace and quiet.

TBF this should have been thought out and talked about, when they first asked. Mixed generation living doesn't work, in households like yours. It's one last sit down conversation, re this is how your life is and perhaps if they can't live with it, then they need to think about at least having a break and going away for a few days, to break up their stay. Or looking at other options.

I'd repeat what you've told them, firmly, and suggest that they may be happier if they get out of the house a bit more during the day/early evening. Sharing limited space with so many others is likely wearing down everyone's patience, but personally I'd hesitate to suggest a hotel unless it's to the point that the relationship is in danger of irreparable harm. However, everyone's family situation is different, so it depends on your history with them, how they'd likely react, etc.

You could ask them to stay in a hotel, or
OR
you could start treating your home as if they are not there.
Your DH could start walking about and sitting around in his pants.
Either of you to walk in to the lounge anytime they are watching TV and just change the channel.
Make whatever food you fancy whenever you fancy without considering if its something they like.
Invite friends round. Alot.
Stay up late.
Go for early morning runs.

How long do you think they would last?

Sounds awful.

You DCs should not have to feel like they can't enjoy their home and neither should you. Your DPs and overstepping the mark - it could probably get a lot worse. They are clearly unhappy being there so it might be a good time to drop a few suggestions to see how they react!

Air bnb would be a good option - you could say you know of somewhere local that is really quiet and might be a nice place for them to stay for a couple of weeks as you know they're finding it difficult living in a house with teenagers. The probably are genuinely finding it difficult tbh but they're forgetting that they are the guests here.

What did they think was going to happen when they moved into a family home at just the time two young adults would be home from Uni?

You need to have another chat with them and say “look, this is how this house functions. You’re welcome to stay, but we’re not going to change that and please don’t keep mentioning all these things to us. We can help you look for an air bnb if this doesn’t work for you”.

It’s time they went on an extended holiday!

Tell them that you love having them visit, but this stay isn’t working for anyone. You don’t want to damage the relationship between them and you so it’s best to admit this isn’t working and they will need to find an Airbnb or some thing to stay in day to day and then they can come visit for a meal or something every so often.

be honest, be firm with a smile, don’t allow them to wheedle you

I'd be getting the dc to assist in their departure...
Lots of people over and more gaming.

Explain kindly that it's hard being guests for a long period, they obviously can't relax in your home and it simply isn't realistic for the four of you to live for weeks at a time in the way that would suit them. Suggest that you help them find a hotel close by where you can still see them regularly.

Yes of course they should go and stay somewhere else.

@Nosuchthingastoomanypets I would gently say ‘nothing is going to change, and they’re welcome to stay as long as they need but you’d understand if they would prefer not to’, put the ball in their court. Then leave it there.

I don’t mind what you suggest op says but I wouldn’t be saying it gently. Saying it firmly would be my way.

Along with “this is my children’s home. Not yours”.

Yes, they can rent an air bnb home from home.

As an adult who agreed to allow parents to move in - worse thing I ever did

Say to your parents, this is how we live, it doesnt suit you so please lets look for an air bnb - more comfortable then a hotel

As a family, you cant allow two guests to dictate. Even though they arent, you as the child are always on edge , no way to live

My parents are dead, gosh that’s harsh to type) Passed away. I do miss them but even now I couldn’t imagine allowing them move in. It’s a recipe for disaster. Even the thought of living with Dad again send chills down my spine. He wasn’t a terrible person just the dynamic would freak me out having to regress and reshuffle the household. No.

I would suggest an air b&b to them. Could they afford it? Might be better now before the schools break up price-wise.

Definitely ask them to leave.

I still remember how difficult it was when MIL lived with us during the pandemic. We get on well, but having another adult living with you is very different.

Find an air bnb then ask them to leave .

This is rational and perfect. Do this.

Are they my neighbours? They've pissed off somewhere while workmen rip their house apart, starting work at 7.30 am and shouting/swearing all day, so we can't enjoy our gardens. They have form for this, did it last year and all the neighbours had to put up with a month of diggers, stone-dust and shouting workmen "landscaping" their garden. They should be supervising the work on their house, to ensure it's up to standard (the landscaping was not) not sitting around in yours.