AIBU to ask my parents to stay in a hotel?

[Nosuchthingastoomanypets]

My parents house is having some repair work done on it at the moment and my parents asked if they could stay with us until the work was done. We weren’t exactly jumping for joy at the prospect but reluctantly said yes because of the circumstances.

We are only a week into them being here and they have done nothing but moan. 😭

We have 2 children who are both home from university for the summer. They are working part time, going out and seeing friends, having friends over, sometimes coming home in the early hours from work or after being out socially, up late gaming some nights and just doing what young adults that age do. They do their share around the house and are respectful.

My parents are complaining that they are being woken up by our children coming home late, gaming at night and chatting to friends. The kids keep the noise to a minimum at night and come in quietly when it’s late but obviously they aren’t silent.

It’s not just nights. If my kids have friends visit in the daytime, my parents are questioning who they are and how long they’ll be here. They’re monitoring how much alcohol they’re drinking, what food their friends are eating at our house, what they’re doing in the garden like playing basketball, moaning about them playing music and reporting to us what time they and their friends came home and left. My parents say they have no privacy as there are always people in the house and when I say that they have a bedroom if they want privacy, they say they want to be able to sit downstairs and have peace.

We have told my parents that we aren’t prepared to tell our kids that they need to stop doing any of what they are doing and it’s not a problem to us.

We also have dogs and my parents expect them to be kept downstairs. Again, we have said no. They can close their bedroom door and not let the dogs in their room.

I am here to moan really, I feel like asking my parents to leave and go to a hotel until their house is ready if they don’t like it but I know this won’t go down well. How the hell do we all cope? My kids are fed up of being moaned at and questioned. My husband is also ready to tell them they need to leave. They could be here for another month or more yet as they have taken the opportunity to have some other updates done to their house 😭

Tell them to take a cheap 2 week break abroad and that you’ll (collectively) nip in to check on tradespeople as needed.

Then tell them if they want to return to your home they need to recognise they are guests. If they can’t do that then they should stay abroad for longer or will need to find elsewhere when they come back.

Is it both of them whinging or one? I’d be letting the teenagers cut loose to make it less likely your parents want to stay…

I think you just need to have an honest conversation with them that this is your house (you, your DH and your kids) and whilst you were fine to let them stay as a favour, they can't expect you all to change how you live to suit them. Essentially, they either stop moaning at you or they leave!

They can swap with me for the summer! They could fuss around my immaculate garden and enjoy a very quiet evenings on furniture that never gets a cushion out of place and I would just love a gaggle of young ones to be around & chat & laugh with!
Dogs too? For unlimited cuddles? Utter bliss, count me in!

Definitely ask them to leave, it’s yours and your children’s home and they literally expect to take over it and everyone do as they say. Tell them going forward it’s no longer viable and to find a air b&b or a hotel.

@Nosuchthingastoomanypets I had part of my house demolished and did not move out! I kept an eye on the builders. What are they having done that has made them decide to move out? It’s not necessary is it? A bit of updating lasting a few weeks is not major works. Quite frankly, they should go home and check on the builders. There will be electricity and water and, I hate to say this, builders don’t get it right and changes need to be made as you go along never mind checking the standards of the work. Suggest they monitor the work or they might be staying for even longer when it’s put right. No work lasting a short time requires moving out. Get them to go home.

This. And if necessary look up air b n bs or hotels near them. Bloody cheek of them.

Life is short / don’t let them spoil your summer. Firm conversation pointing out that this is how your family live and nothing is changing. Plus, given that, you don’t want to hear any sniping or complaints - you like having your house being relaxed and a social centre for your children’s set and don’t want that or their enjoyment spoiled with sniping. You understand that it is very different from how your parent like to live, so would totally understand if they chose to move out to an Airbnb, but this is how it has to be if they stay. Very calm and matter of fact.

it could cause a some ruffled feathers. , but I think you are heading that way anyway if they remain so miserable with the conditions.

bottom line, you offered them accom in your home, not to recreate the conditions of theirs

I’ve only come on to say you sound like really great parents, relaxed and welcoming

Can you get them to have a week away, dress it up as a gift.
Sounds like you all need a break.
”Hey Parents, I know it must be stressful being with us all the time, all the comings and goings from our house must be exhausting.
Why don’t you look at a little break somewhere, happy to drop you somewhere and pick you up if you need a hand”
I can’t imagine they’d forgive you telling them to leave as they sound a bit tone deaf to their impact on the house.

They need to go home!

They aren't being great guests but, more importantly, it wouldn't hurt your DC to be more considerate hosts. A life lesson for them? Irritating as it may be,life isn't all about them either.
Your parents need to accept that communal areas are not under their control - they need to at least help themselves by using their room or going out.
A family meeting is required to discuss compromises.

If your parents are that bothered about the noise from your children, have you bought them earplugs?

I would remind them it’s your house and you live how you want. You’re doing them a favour, not the other way around. Maybe it is best they go home, get an Airbnb or a hotel (in the UK or abroad)?

Last time my mum was staying and started being like this. I reminded her; my house, my rules. She didn’t like it but there you go

They can buy their own earplugs

^ absolutely this!

Tell them to leave, this is probably your last handful of years where your dc are still coming home, and you sound like you have a lovely dynamic, don’t let your miserable parents taint it for any of you.

"The kids - and us, and the dogs - live here, and you don't; our normal family life isn't going to change. So it's just going to be a question of putting up with it for a bit longer. But if you decide you need to go, we won't take offence". Then ball's in their court, and they understand that it's them who need to make an effort to not be a nuisance to you, not the other way round. They don't get the peace and privacy of a holiday cottage without paying for one.

Holiday lodges are very nice this time of year. Tell them not to worry about the cost as they can treat it as a holiday and this time next year they won’t miss what they will have spent on it. Book it quick before schools break up.

How long will they be staying (if you don't kick them out first!)?

If it's another week or two I'd try and get on with it by ignoring their moaning and breezily changing the subject every time they mention it.

If, on the other hand we are talking weeks or months, I'd have words - similar to those already mentioned above, "you are welcome, but this is our home and how we all live, we won't be changing anything, so maybe you need to adapt to our lifestyle. If that is not possible, maybe you'd like to stay somewhere else etc., and please do not complain anymore because none of us will be listening, thanks".

Parents are supposed to annoy you. My dad has moved in twice in the last 5 years. You just need to breathe and smile through a clenched jaw til it's over. Don't kick them out.

There is a thing some parents of adult children do, where they just don't take on board that they are no longer in a position to arbitrate the way life ought to be lived. Your parents sound as if they're doing this. They think they're entitled to set boundaries for your children and make decisions about where pets go, and so on.

I would sit them down and say, 'mum, dad ... we like that [adult children's names] are enjoing summer with their friends. Please don't complain at them - we've worked hard to make them feel they can have this sort of lifestyle in our home and we really don't want them to feel unwelcome.' And 'we like having the dogs upstairs; it's one of our favourite things about having pets'.

They need to see clearly that the things they think are inconveniences they, in their wisdom, can correct for you, are actually valued parts of your lifestyle. If they can't understand this, yes, they ought to go!

My parents are dreadful and I've largely given up (and would never have them stay like this!), but I remember one time my dad explained he'd been to my brother's house and had helpfully instituted a rule about how much their then-toddler daughter spoke at mealtimes. He genuinely believed it'd been a useful intervention. I remember it striking me very clearly!

They are being incredibly rude and entitled. You need to make it very clear that your kids will not be modifying their behaviour in their own home, as neither you nor your husband have a problem with it.
If the situation isn’t working for them as they thought, you can helpfully suggest an Airb&b or hotel.

I think you need a frank conversation with your parents. It’s not working.
It’s a shame if they are spoiling one of your dc’s last summers at home. It sounds like you are quite happy with dc’s plans and they are considerate.
I can imagine you feel like piggy in middle.

You are 100% not being unreasonable. They can either shut up or fuck off IMO!

Whoever said "my house my rules" - that is inspired and is what so many of us were told as kids!