To lose it at my ex for not sticking to shared calendar.

[bluebirdsandblueskies]

I’ve been co-parenting with my ex for over five years (although “co-parenting” feels like a generous description). I do about 90% of everything: childcare, school admin, appointments, activities, birthday parties, forms, uniforms, the mental load…you name it. He pays a token amount of CMS that hasn’t increased in five years, so I’m now going through CMS properly to make sure I’m receiving what I’m actually entitled to.
We have a shared calendar, but it only seems to work one way. If he puts that he’s busy, I have to accept he won’t be seeing our daughter that weekend. If I book something in weeks or months in advance, it somehow doesn’t count. He’ll make plans anyway and then tell me I should have checked with him first.
It’s become noticeably worse since he started seeing someone about nine months ago. He’ll agree to have our daughter and then, a few days later, suddenly can’t anymore. I strongly suspect that’s after speaking to his girlfriend. It’s incredibly frustrating, but more importantly it affects our daughter, who deserves consistency.
He seems to expect me to be the default parent, do all the day-to-day parenting, and then fit around whatever suits him. Today was the final straw. I’d booked next weekend out over a month ago because I need to work, and he announced he couldn’t do it after all.
I completely lost my temper. Five years of resentment came pouring out.
Did he take any responsibility? No.
Did he apologise? No.
Did he offer to change his own plans? No.
Instead, the expectation was that I’d rearrange my life yet again.
Part of me feels guilty for losing it, but another part of me thinks it was inevitable after years of this.
Am I being unreasonable to expect a father to honour the time he’s agreed to have his child, rather than treating it as optional? And for those who’ve dated or remarried, is it unreasonable to expect a new partner to understand that children come first and that parenting commitments aren’t something you cancel because you’d rather spend the weekend together? I can’t deal with the chaos anymore!
Ai

That poor poor child having two squabbling parents 😥

I would not let him have her at Christmas at all.

It's not clever or kind to blame a woman who does the bulk of care for her child when the useless culprit is her ex.

It doesn’t sound like you have a fixed schedule. I’d put that in place first. It’s better for DD anyway.

Then don’t accept changes. Sort out childcare if you need it during your time and expect him to do the same Ditch the shared calendar as you won’t need it.

He probably won’t even stick to that but that leaves you in a better position that you are in now because you don’t have the chaos and mental load of organising a week by week schedule.

Mu expectation is that he won’t be part of DDs life at all in a few years. So focus on a set up where you have built your own village and can cope with that. Don’t waste any more time on trying to get this feckless man to be a proper parent. He won’t ever be. Your job is to deal with the fallout from that.

@Kingkane😂😂😂

Actually I do blame women who go anywhere near shit fathers. Get some standards.

@nomasalready got the text about Christmas this week! Hilarious he misses first day of school, Father’s Day, doesn’t take her on holiday but Christmas he must have her!

@NeatPinkFinchthank you! My sentiments exactly! But he is the the bigger twat in the picture! Interestingly uploaded all the text conversations to chat got as I feel I’m going mad sometimes. Love the pschyo analysis of it all and really flags up with a narccistic, conflict driven shit he is! DARVO kept coming up again and again for all his responses. Given me a lot of power really!

YANBU. Could you set up a firmer schedule re contact? How often does he actually see your daughter?

My ex walked away when our child was 11 months (completely out of the blue), he visited him 4 times over the following 4 months, then disappeared 6 months ago and i haven't heard from him since. He was cheating on me with a girl in work, she knew he had a baby as he brought him to work a few times (with me), it was very common knowledge that he had a partner and a baby. I wonder what she thinks, how she can trust a man who can abandon his child (and partner) I dont blame her, if it wasnt her, it'd be someone else, but how could she get with him knowing he had a family and stay with him, knowing he hasnt seen/asked after his baby for 6 months and counting. I find it baffling. Of course hes to blame and he'll be telling her lies, but she will know deep down that hes moved to her, 5 hours away from his baby, and he doesnt see him. Insane.

I’m not blaming her, I said I feel sorry for the poor child.

@BinNightTonightwhat an absolute selfish prick! And again another woman who were not allowed to blame, but fuck just stay away from married men!

Don’t you mean that poor poor child with a useless piece of shit for a father