To lose it at my ex for not sticking to shared calendar.

[bluebirdsandblueskies]

I’ve been co-parenting with my ex for over five years (although “co-parenting” feels like a generous description). I do about 90% of everything: childcare, school admin, appointments, activities, birthday parties, forms, uniforms, the mental load…you name it. He pays a token amount of CMS that hasn’t increased in five years, so I’m now going through CMS properly to make sure I’m receiving what I’m actually entitled to.
We have a shared calendar, but it only seems to work one way. If he puts that he’s busy, I have to accept he won’t be seeing our daughter that weekend. If I book something in weeks or months in advance, it somehow doesn’t count. He’ll make plans anyway and then tell me I should have checked with him first.
It’s become noticeably worse since he started seeing someone about nine months ago. He’ll agree to have our daughter and then, a few days later, suddenly can’t anymore. I strongly suspect that’s after speaking to his girlfriend. It’s incredibly frustrating, but more importantly it affects our daughter, who deserves consistency.
He seems to expect me to be the default parent, do all the day-to-day parenting, and then fit around whatever suits him. Today was the final straw. I’d booked next weekend out over a month ago because I need to work, and he announced he couldn’t do it after all.
I completely lost my temper. Five years of resentment came pouring out.
Did he take any responsibility? No.
Did he apologise? No.
Did he offer to change his own plans? No.
Instead, the expectation was that I’d rearrange my life yet again.
Part of me feels guilty for losing it, but another part of me thinks it was inevitable after years of this.
Am I being unreasonable to expect a father to honour the time he’s agreed to have his child, rather than treating it as optional? And for those who’ve dated or remarried, is it unreasonable to expect a new partner to understand that children come first and that parenting commitments aren’t something you cancel because you’d rather spend the weekend together? I can’t deal with the chaos anymore!
Ai

There is absolutely no evidence that she does this, however, she could be actively pushing him to stick to it to no avail for all we know.

I think this is OPs point. She is trying to do that but when it's his time with his daughter he flakes and she can't commit to her other plans.

It’s so awful so many men abandon their responsibility at a parent. The only consultation is that one day your child will know which parent was there for them. I have a lovely relationship with my adult children, I see them all the time and they help me out with stuff and visa versa. Although they are polite enough to their dad they don’t go out of their way to make time for him now they are adults.

Really stupid advice. Court would only force mum to make child available they can’t force dad to show up.

He’s an absolute joke and you know he’ll have used your telling him off to link in with his poor me I has a crazy ex narrative

@DarragonI do! I have no sympathy for needy women who facilitate a father not putting their children first. I’m not saying he isn’t to blame, but a decent woman would not be accomdating this kind of behaviour. She was married for over twenty years - he’s already confided in me she moans she doesn’t see him enough (her kids have flown the nest my child is 5)! She is a desperate pick me!

@Unexpectedlysinglemum thank you for validating my experience - so many shit men!

@Bryonyberries the sad thing is they have a great time together and she has so much fun with him. But he can only parent to a point - too much time, too much responsibility, too much money - he can’t deal with it! He does love her but just doesn’t seem to put her first!

@ilbehonesttotally this. I’m doing the organised and reasonable thing by blocking time on a shared calendar. I apparently have to run everything I put in the calendar past him. He on the other hand just books holidays and weekends away and drops them in.

@Summervibes83as a woman/mother you would not stay with someone who you’re actively encouraging to see their kid more when they don’t. She’s a pick me!

@BerryTwisterthis 100%!

@Warmthofthesun thanks so much your response is like a warm hug x

@Theunamedcatyou are a Queen and an inspiration. The audacity to say it couldn’t be your new boyfriend! These gaslighting control freaks

@whatyagotcookinggreat advice! At the start of new school term this shall be done

I for one am certainly pleased that no court will force a parent to have care of their child.

Not only awful for the child, potentially dangerous and completely unworkable

I blame it squarely on the father.

Op if you got a new partner and he started suggesting you saw your children too much…. Your reaction would be horror and immediate dumping.

Not so with this man.

And who knows what crap he’s told this girlfriend in any event ie he’s desperate to have more time with his dd but you make it so hard. And probably tells her he pays way in excess of cms!

And who knows what crap he’s told this girlfriend in any event ie he’s desperate to have more time with his dd but you make it so hard.

Exactly, he probably told her a pack of lies, that you won't let him have dd, poor him, or maybe never mentioned to her that he was supposed to. It's his fault 1000% and nothing to do with her. A woman can't make a man spend time with his kids, as you are also finding out.

I blame him 100% but I also think she is complicit. Just because she is a woman it doesn’t mean she can’t take accountability or hold someone to account. If she wasn’t complicit she wouldn’t be with him

I wouldn’t give her a nano second thought in this.

firstly he will have blown a load of smoke up her ass re the situation
secondly, ultimately this is all on your pathetic ex if he is so easily swayed by a new partner saying she’d like more time with him
and thirdly, doesn’t occur to you he’s telling you this about her but actually - he’s using her as a made up excuse because he wants to limit his responsibility?

I mean he’s been paying you peanuts even before having met her . Hardly father of the year.

@PinkipaI totally accept everything you have said about him and I’m more than aware the bullshit he’s probably told her about me! How awful I am etc etc! But I also think any woman who is married for twenty years, has two grown up kids and wants to date someone who has nothing to their name and a five year old kid is a woman scared to be alone and needy! She isn’t to blame for his behaviour but she isn’t helping it either! His behaviour only got worse when he started dating her 10 months ago - however he is the father and should be better! And it’s 100% his fault. But needy women need to sometimes open their eyes! Surely you can’t be that naive/stupid (needy insecure women can be as you see it all the time)

Dear me, you seem to have made more posts about her than him even though you claim that you "blame him 100%".

Sadly I was in a very similar situation when my children were younger. Tried mediation - he didn’t show up. He refused to agree to a regular schedule or a parenting plan. Continually flaked on arrangements at the last minute and only spent time with our DDs if it suited him. I was responsible for everything. The mediator said to me that you cannot force someone to be a parent. And as much as that stung, she was right. I left the country with my DDs. He accused me of trafficking, took me to court claiming alienation, sought sole custody … it’s not about your DD it’s about control and post separation abuse. My ex lost his claim for sole custody 🙄 and chose not to see our DDs for eight years as dealing with me was damaging to his mental health 😂

@TheDevilWearsi am so sorry you’ve been through all this. I feel my situation might not be quite as bad as that but I’m glad you had the courage to do what you needed to. It is ALL about control. His logical arguments don’t make sense and at the weekend after agreeing to take DD to an event that had been planned and paid for - he just didn’t show up (as one of the other mothers text me to ask where DD was) there was no reason just the fact I’d text him the details and he replied I wasn’t to dictate what he did with HIS time (he had agreed to it last week)! I was livid and text him how selfish he was and how I felt sorry for DD. Cool as a cucumber he replied ‘this abuse has to stop. I am keeping all the screenshots and I won’t be afraid to use them.’ The mind boggles - when he pays £12 a day for his daughter and essentially has her for a one kr two nights a week maximum! I think he’s made me feel so confused and anxious all the time I have no grasp on what is right and what is wrong! He has really got into my head thinking I really must be the problem!