To lose it at my ex for not sticking to shared calendar.

[bluebirdsandblueskies]

I’ve been co-parenting with my ex for over five years (although “co-parenting” feels like a generous description). I do about 90% of everything: childcare, school admin, appointments, activities, birthday parties, forms, uniforms, the mental load…you name it. He pays a token amount of CMS that hasn’t increased in five years, so I’m now going through CMS properly to make sure I’m receiving what I’m actually entitled to.
We have a shared calendar, but it only seems to work one way. If he puts that he’s busy, I have to accept he won’t be seeing our daughter that weekend. If I book something in weeks or months in advance, it somehow doesn’t count. He’ll make plans anyway and then tell me I should have checked with him first.
It’s become noticeably worse since he started seeing someone about nine months ago. He’ll agree to have our daughter and then, a few days later, suddenly can’t anymore. I strongly suspect that’s after speaking to his girlfriend. It’s incredibly frustrating, but more importantly it affects our daughter, who deserves consistency.
He seems to expect me to be the default parent, do all the day-to-day parenting, and then fit around whatever suits him. Today was the final straw. I’d booked next weekend out over a month ago because I need to work, and he announced he couldn’t do it after all.
I completely lost my temper. Five years of resentment came pouring out.
Did he take any responsibility? No.
Did he apologise? No.
Did he offer to change his own plans? No.
Instead, the expectation was that I’d rearrange my life yet again.
Part of me feels guilty for losing it, but another part of me thinks it was inevitable after years of this.
Am I being unreasonable to expect a father to honour the time he’s agreed to have his child, rather than treating it as optional? And for those who’ve dated or remarried, is it unreasonable to expect a new partner to understand that children come first and that parenting commitments aren’t something you cancel because you’d rather spend the weekend together? I can’t deal with the chaos anymore!
Ai

You need a set schedule that both of you stick to. No switching or anything. If something comes up on your week you plan alternative childcare.
Go to mediation. If that doesn't work you go to court. It's not that expensive if you self represent which really isn't that hard.

You’re not being unreasonable.. and actually, if this went to court, and he couldn’t honour his time - he wouldn’t get any time. Mediation might be a good idea, as they enforce the “if it’s your weekend and you can’t stick to it, you are responsible for childcare” message - which may give him a bit of oomph.

What is he like as a parent when his child is with him? I can’t imagine much cop

I agree a set schedule would assist, but no one can force dad (or indeed mum) to care for the child. I feel like a lot would continue to fall back on op.

What would court do?

Sounds back to front. You need to block out the calendar with each of your time with your daughter and then fit your own stuff around that.

Just let him drift away. He doesn’t want to take any responsibility for anything, I don’t know how old your child is, but it will be damaging for them to realise dad only sees them when he has nothing else to do.

Unfortunately you cannot 'force' contact. As the primary carer, the final responsibility falls upon you and no amount of mediation or court orders will help enforce this.
He is a shitty ex and dad. I'm speaking as someone who has stepchildren and my husbands ex does everything possible to ruin our plans with his children by withholding contact esp if she knows we've paid out money for something such as a holiday.
Courts do jack shit to enforce contact or reprimanded her for her vile and malicious behaviour. Unfortunately its always the children that suffer. In our case the mum just feeds them lie after lie.......
My best advice would be only to ever book something if you have back up support from friends or family. I am only too family to know what its like to have plans ruined last minute.

Don't blame gf you don't personally know. A rubbish dad before and a rubbish dad after doesn't make it her fault he is even worse. I found after a year of making arrangements him not sticking etc that I was fed up and if he was bothered about kid he would contact me and yep that was 15 years ago

Go to court and get a set schedule. Then he has to sort out what happens on his time if he can’t do it

@Notasbigasithinktorally aware it can work both ways! I’m not unreasonable at all (he might suggest otherwise) but if he said ‘oh I see you’ve booked out xyz, but could we change or swap’ I’d be more than happy. It’s just the total lack of consideration. I’d never do anything to spite him - though the thought has crossed the line! 😂

@ToThePoint2026he is shit but I also find a desperate pick me girl can be an enabler too! I’ve never met her and neither has my daughter but imagining not questioning why your man doesn’t spend more time with his daughter!

@NoCommentingFromNowOnoh I wish I could! But I wouldn’t do that to my daughter. Funny he was away on Father’s Day and didn’t make her first day at school but will come banging down the door to have her on Christmas Day!

The order will just say something like 'child will live with mum and mum must make child available to spend time on x x and x days'. If dad then doesn't bother, mum can't simply force him... although if op then applied to vary that order, it doesn't put him in a very strong position.

I totally agree that losing your shit was a perfectly reasonable response! We're not allowed to lose our shit as we'd be reported for threatening behaviour and get a non mol filed against us quicker than bullets have left guns 🙄 Its just such a shame that shit parent's do this with no consideration for the children.
He's a cunt and always will be. You have my sympathy

It doesn’t work like that. A child arrangement order only ensures that the resident parent has to make the child available for contact. It doesn’t force the non resident parent to turn up and nothing will happen if they don’t.

You can't force him to take his time. You can't force him to do anything. You're wasting your anger on something you can do nothing about and he doesn't care. You need to protect your peace and mental health.

Line up alternative childcare for when you have things planned. Yes, I know it's not fair but that's your reality. He's unreliable.

You let him skate on child support for years. Start putting on your calendar when he doesn't take his time and after some months, apply to court for more maintenance.

There’s nothing you can do except never rely on him again and find other support. ExH is the same.
Tell him contact has to be a set schedule from now on. If he cancels don’t offer an alternative he has to wait until the next scheduled time.
Drop the rope on admin like reminding him of school events or appointments.
You can’t coparent with someone like this you parallel parent which means you each just do your own thing when your dc is with each of you.
He has no right to just turn up when it’s your time with dc just as you wouldn’t turn up and disturb his.
Keep a diary of how many overnights he has actually done as you can use that for CMS if it means moving into a different band.
Parenting will be physically harder work but less mental stress as he can’t annoy you as much if you just ignore him.
Think about using a coparenting app if he’s likely to message or ring you and insist that’s the only form of communication from now on.
If moving near your family is an option do it.
Other single mums in the same boat can also be a mutual support system if they have different work patterns.
I ended up doing a wfh job.
As soon as your dc is old enough to sort their own contact let them.

Ofcourse you are not being unreasonable, but how do you fix this?

I suggest dump the shared calendar and give him 2 fixed weekends a month. These can’t be changed. He has the rest of the month to do as he pleases.

Sympathy, my ex actively counter parents his star performance was my driving test he was supposed to take the children to school that day as my slot was first, he called me five minutes after childcare closed and gleefully told me he couldn't do it soooo sooorrryy I guess you will have to skip it and try again in a few months time cant be helped (he had no reason just said he "couldn't") i was icy calm and told him not to worry I thought you would do this is have back ups to help me BYEEE he was still saying WHAT? WHO? I DONT CONSENT IF ITS YOUR BOYFRIEND 🙄 anyway I passed and he never mentioned it again

Edit my advice is get back ups friends childcare etc and tell him you have to do this because he is unreliable and he needs to think how this looks to his child

This is so satisfying to read 😍

You shouldn’t call his girlfriend a desperate pick me girl for not acting like his mother about his childcare responsibilities, it’s absolutely not her job and if I was her I’d stay well out of it too. You just need to sort out your own childcare instead of expecting his contact time to be your childcare for important events because he’s clearly incapable of that. That’s not his girlfriend’s fault, problem or responsibility. It almost sounds like you wish she would do childcare for you. Now if she did that it would be pick me energy!

It’s beyond frustrating as if we did it we’d be arrested for child abandonment or something. Really sympathise, @bluebirdsandblueskies .

Unfortunately this is correct and the right approach especially with regard to CMS.

He is a crap dad but there it is. Nothing you can do to change him.

@Darragon any woman who is happy for her boyfriend to cancel time with his child so he can see her is a nasty piece of work in my opinion.

Obviously he’s a twat and a crap father. Be she is not blameless in this.

My Dad had 3 wives after my Mum. The first one was lovely, and I saw my Dad regularly when they were together. The next one didn’t like kids, so I didn’t see my Dad for 10 years. My Dad was ultimately to blame, but the women he was with had a big effect on the contact we had.