AIBU to resent my unemployed brother still living off our parents?

MamaSideBored · 02/07/2026 14:41

Wait until you have one in his forties still living off them! I feel for you op!

6ate9 · 02/07/2026 14:45

This is up to your parents to decide if they are happy with this situation. As a parent, you should be encouraging your child to be independent from you, and hopefully one day they will leave home. I would feel I had failed my child if your brother was my mine.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2026 14:53

I think you resent your parents as much as your brother. They’re the ones enabling his life of dossing. He’s unlikely to change, they’re unlikely to make him. I’d try and detach from all of them, emotionally if not physically, or you’ll end up increasingly bitter and angry. My friend’s in the same position with her system, now in their 40s. Her sister doesn’t want to work, doesn’t have to work as she’s fully financed by the parents, my friend is the I’ve supporting the parent with disabilities while the sister doesn’t lift a finger. When the parents die my friend is sure they’ll leave the house to the moocher sister. It’s shit. But my friend has a fantastic full life, meaningful work, loads of friends, fun, freedom and purpose. Her sister is sad, lonely and gives nothing to anyone. Most people would rather be the friend, rather be you than your loser brother. But I totally get how you feel.

JabbaTheBeachHut · 02/07/2026 15:01

As always with these sort of threads (of which there are many), it's up to your parents to decide whether they want to continue to enable him.

As for your question about his crohns disease, we don't know if he's capable of working part-time.

But if your parents are happy, I guess it doesn't matter.

Arthurnewyorkcity · 02/07/2026 15:05

Im surprised youd rather say to your parents than brother. Mines 36 and exactly same scenario minus the health condition. I always tell him he needs to stop free loading and work if he ever wants to meet anyone. Ive also said to my parents theyre enabling him and they are, but theyre also guilt tripped

Londonnight · 02/07/2026 15:09

My son has crohns disease. He has lived with it for over 16 years. He works full time and looks after himself. Has his own place.
Your parents are the ones that need to sort this.

Original poster

Frustratedsister · 02/07/2026 15:17

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2026 14:53

I think you resent your parents as much as your brother. They’re the ones enabling his life of dossing. He’s unlikely to change, they’re unlikely to make him. I’d try and detach from all of them, emotionally if not physically, or you’ll end up increasingly bitter and angry. My friend’s in the same position with her system, now in their 40s. Her sister doesn’t want to work, doesn’t have to work as she’s fully financed by the parents, my friend is the I’ve supporting the parent with disabilities while the sister doesn’t lift a finger. When the parents die my friend is sure they’ll leave the house to the moocher sister. It’s shit. But my friend has a fantastic full life, meaningful work, loads of friends, fun, freedom and purpose. Her sister is sad, lonely and gives nothing to anyone. Most people would rather be the friend, rather be you than your loser brother. But I totally get how you feel.

I do resent my parents also yes. Love them dearly but i have emotionally taken myself away from them slightly. I do think its on them, they should have done more for my brother in terms of pushing him to want more success. He is as you said, a loser. Its hard to watch.

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Original poster

Frustratedsister · 02/07/2026 15:20

Londonnight · 02/07/2026 15:09

My son has crohns disease. He has lived with it for over 16 years. He works full time and looks after himself. Has his own place.
Your parents are the ones that need to sort this.

This is amazing to hear regarding your son. It just shows that not all illnesses prevent you from doing these things.

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BullshitCentral · 02/07/2026 15:27

You can speak to your parents, but ultimately their relationship with their son is their business and you may be told to keep out.

I know someone who has an adult child with crohns and it’s very bad for him. He has days he feels ok, but other days it’s very bad. I know if one of her other kids went moaning to her about how much she helps him, she’d tell them to mind their business.

BullshitCentral · 02/07/2026 15:30

Frustratedsister · 02/07/2026 15:20

This is amazing to hear regarding your son. It just shows that not all illnesses prevent you from doing these things.

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It shows one persons experience. It can vary a lot and for some it can be much worse.

IsawwhatIsaw · 02/07/2026 15:31

It’s not a life is it. And the years will drift by until suddenly he’s in his 40s. Your parents aren’t doing him any favours

youalright · 02/07/2026 15:35

I think there is stuff you are not aware of 27 still lives with parents, no life, no friends, no job,never leaves the house thats actually really sad what an awful way to live. If he was out with friends every weekend and just sponging of your parents my opinion would be different but that is not what you describe

IonianNerveGrip · 02/07/2026 15:38

They quite possibly are enablers, but ultimately they're allowed to be. My focus in your shoes would be on ensuring they don't recruit you to take over.

whatyagotcooking · 02/07/2026 15:39

My sister is 50 and still lives with and off our mum. Had 3 kids too but never worked. No reason for it. She’s now inherited our mum’s house and me nothing because she’s a lazy entitled fucker that thinks the world and everything is hers to have without doing sweet fa. Me, worked full-time for 30 years, I’m younger than my sister, still have 15 years worth of mortgage to pay but get told ‘well you wouldn’t want your sister’s life’ as if that makes everything okay.

I understand your resentment @Frustratedsister but it’s not your brother that’s the problem (I always thought it was my sister), it’s your parents that are the problem (they make excuses for him). If they own their house it will go to him one day - mark my words!

I’m in the same boat, so no useful advice. Except stop doing anything to help them all, it’ll never be appreciated and you’ll not be thanked. Pass everything to your brother to do if they need help. Up to him whether he does it. Stand-back and leave them to it. That’s my one regret now I’ve been shafted out of my inheritance.

BillieWiper · 02/07/2026 15:40

Would you rather he was homeless on the streets?
If he's being enabled by your parents as you see it then there's not much you can do about it.
If you were having a hard time wouldn't you want them to support you? Or do you feel it's very one sided and you didn't get enough support from them?

I don't really think his life getting much more difficult will make yours much easier or more pleasant?

Toadflaxx · 02/07/2026 15:40

I feel for your brother, your parents have failed him :(

They have enabled/entrapped him.

But it’s not your job to fix it. If you want to tell them how you feel, if you think it will help, then do… but overall, your energy is best directed towards yourself and your children.

Families are weird. Live your life for you, and your own children x

Skybluepinky · 02/07/2026 15:45

It’s what your parents want, not a lot you can do about it.

Original poster

Frustratedsister · 02/07/2026 15:45

BullshitCentral · 02/07/2026 15:27

You can speak to your parents, but ultimately their relationship with their son is their business and you may be told to keep out.

I know someone who has an adult child with crohns and it’s very bad for him. He has days he feels ok, but other days it’s very bad. I know if one of her other kids went moaning to her about how much she helps him, she’d tell them to mind their business.

Yes I understand that. I said I would tactfully speak with them.
My brothers crohns isnt medicated, he doesnt have it severly. He has to avoid cigarettes and alcohol which he does, so it is completely under control. But i do understand that some suffer more than others. I dont think in his case, it should interfere with him going out to work and helping my parents, who wont be around forever.

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Original poster

Frustratedsister · 02/07/2026 15:48

youalright · 02/07/2026 15:35

I think there is stuff you are not aware of 27 still lives with parents, no life, no friends, no job,never leaves the house thats actually really sad what an awful way to live. If he was out with friends every weekend and just sponging of your parents my opinion would be different but that is not what you describe

I agree. Its a sad situation. Im not sure how I can help. I love my parents and I love my brother but this is not a way to live.

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YouGotFlamesAllInYourEyes · 02/07/2026 15:54

BullshitCentral · 02/07/2026 15:30

It shows one persons experience. It can vary a lot and for some it can be much worse.

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Exactly this. I have a friend from uni who was diagnosed whilst at uni and it wasn’t too bad back then, but it has got a lot worse. She is self employed so it’s easier to manage it but it does impact her work and there are times she can’t work at all or she can only manage to work because she can do so at her own pace as she runs her own business. She says she could never be an employee due to the up and down nature of her illness. She gets very depressed with it too as it’s a painful and difficult condition.

You may not know the full details of it OP. People can be private about certain details of this type of medical condition. I would keep your beak out.

eta. The illness has stopped her from doing lots of things. She doesn’t have much of a social life. Until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes etc.

Original poster

Frustratedsister · 02/07/2026 15:55

whatyagotcooking · 02/07/2026 15:39

My sister is 50 and still lives with and off our mum. Had 3 kids too but never worked. No reason for it. She’s now inherited our mum’s house and me nothing because she’s a lazy entitled fucker that thinks the world and everything is hers to have without doing sweet fa. Me, worked full-time for 30 years, I’m younger than my sister, still have 15 years worth of mortgage to pay but get told ‘well you wouldn’t want your sister’s life’ as if that makes everything okay.

I understand your resentment @Frustratedsister but it’s not your brother that’s the problem (I always thought it was my sister), it’s your parents that are the problem (they make excuses for him). If they own their house it will go to him one day - mark my words!

I’m in the same boat, so no useful advice. Except stop doing anything to help them all, it’ll never be appreciated and you’ll not be thanked. Pass everything to your brother to do if they need help. Up to him whether he does it. Stand-back and leave them to it. That’s my one regret now I’ve been shafted out of my inheritance.

Im really sorry to hear this. Thankyou thats really valuable advice, all of the replies are in fact. I do worry about the future if im honest but there really isnt alot we can do. I hope you live a really fufilling life. Its so sad that families are torn apart by things such as this.

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Original poster

Frustratedsister · 02/07/2026 15:57

YouGotFlamesAllInYourEyes · 02/07/2026 15:54

Exactly this. I have a friend from uni who was diagnosed whilst at uni and it wasn’t too bad back then, but it has got a lot worse. She is self employed so it’s easier to manage it but it does impact her work and there are times she can’t work at all or she can only manage to work because she can do so at her own pace as she runs her own business. She says she could never be an employee due to the up and down nature of her illness. She gets very depressed with it too as it’s a painful and difficult condition.

You may not know the full details of it OP. People can be private about certain details of this type of medical condition. I would keep your beak out.

eta. The illness has stopped her from doing lots of things. She doesn’t have much of a social life. Until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes etc.

Edited

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No thats fair enough. Thankyou.

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Notasbigasithink · 02/07/2026 16:07

Frustratedsister · 02/07/2026 14:39

Namechanged,

So, I have a 27 yo old brother who is still living at home, also unemployed. He never goes out, has no life, no friends. Its honestly starting to wind me up and im losing alot of respect for him. He leeches off my parents and im starting to think they are enablers. They both work full time and they spend their hard earned on my brothers lifestyle. If we do things together he expects my poor mum to pay for his tickets, accomodation, travel and food. He contributes NOTHING.

With all due respect, im a single struggling mother, i have a teen and a 2 yo. I have to work, provide and keep a roof over our heads, i pay my bills. I wont deny the fact I do get some help from the government but I have purpose, willpower and I am making something of my life.
I feel like I want to say something to my parents. Tactfully of course. I just feel like the respect for my sibling is going. Im not jealous of his lifestyle, I just fail to understand how he wants to live this way and not even try to pull himself out of it.

To add he has crohns disease, i understand it is a chronic condititon that flares up but surely he is still capable of working even if thats part time?

Im sad for my parents, watching them enable him to live this lifestyle. He does...nothing.
I might get flamed, I know the economy isnt great and the jobs market is dire but still...what life is this?
Is it bad of me that im starting to see him in a different light??

He runs, which makes me think he is able bodied to get out. (Sorry i hope my words arent offensive)
No skills.
A little awkward.
Prehaps an element of depression. Other than that he functions just fine.

Should these factors prevent someone from getting out though??? Or a J-O-B!

What are your views?? Im really not sure how to help him. The longer it goes on the more i feel frustrated. I feel so bad for my parents who are working very hard to fund all of this.

You have a parent problem not a brother problem!
They are enabling the behaviour and he is going along for the ride
Just wait until they're really old and need care. He'll claim carers allowances etc and then get control of their finances, home etc. Once they're gone, he'll probably Inherite the pittance of whats left and you'll see nothing...
(Not that I'm talking from experience or anything)

JabbaTheBeachHut · 02/07/2026 16:10

Frustratedsister · 02/07/2026 15:48

I agree. Its a sad situation. Im not sure how I can help. I love my parents and I love my brother but this is not a way to live.

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Has anyone even asked you to help?

Tastycelery · 02/07/2026 16:10

@Frustratedsisterperhaps your parents are choosing to directly enable your brother to lead this lifestyle on the basis that he hasn't chosen to have Crohn's.
And on the other hand mayybe they consider you had choice about the relationships that have resulted in you having two DC as a single mother (guessing different fathers with the age gap). If you're struggling they may feel you've made your bed etc. so the responsibility is yours and not a situation for them to support..
Not suggesting either scenario is correct or fair.
So much in families isn't.