AIBU to resent my unemployed brother still living off our parents?

[Frustratedsister]

Namechanged,

So, I have a 27 yo old brother who is still living at home, also unemployed. He never goes out, has no life, no friends. Its honestly starting to wind me up and im losing alot of respect for him. He leeches off my parents and im starting to think they are enablers. They both work full time and they spend their hard earned on my brothers lifestyle. If we do things together he expects my poor mum to pay for his tickets, accomodation, travel and food. He contributes NOTHING.

With all due respect, im a single struggling mother, i have a teen and a 2 yo. I have to work, provide and keep a roof over our heads, i pay my bills. I wont deny the fact I do get some help from the government but I have purpose, willpower and I am making something of my life.
I feel like I want to say something to my parents. Tactfully of course. I just feel like the respect for my sibling is going. Im not jealous of his lifestyle, I just fail to understand how he wants to live this way and not even try to pull himself out of it.

To add he has crohns disease, i understand it is a chronic condititon that flares up but surely he is still capable of working even if thats part time?

Im sad for my parents, watching them enable him to live this lifestyle. He does...nothing.
I might get flamed, I know the economy isnt great and the jobs market is dire but still...what life is this?
Is it bad of me that im starting to see him in a different light??

He runs, which makes me think he is able bodied to get out. (Sorry i hope my words arent offensive)
No skills.
A little awkward.
Prehaps an element of depression. Other than that he functions just fine.

Should these factors prevent someone from getting out though??? Or a J-O-B!

What are your views?? Im really not sure how to help him. The longer it goes on the more i feel frustrated. I feel so bad for my parents who are working very hard to fund all of this.

A chronic illness that lots of people live with and still don’t leech on their parents! Doesn’t sound as if OP’s parents help with their grandchildren, as most would, and are favouring the son, who is waited on hand and foot. I’d be resentful-and angry!

Relative on DH’s side still lives at home in his 50s. Does work a bit, but has all meals, laundry etc done for him. His siblings wonder what will happen when the parents die and they have to sell the house

Can he not claim PIP?

Yes. this.

The situation sounds like something none of the family would have chosen, and most people would rather be in the OP's position than her brother's.

Your feelings are what they are and it's not unreasonable to feel resentment and that you'd like a bit of that parental support and it'd be really helpful, but your brother's life sounds rather bleak and hopeless. Being independent, having your children and your own home and a job, is a better life.

Perhaps they’ll leave the house to him, or they’ll have a job to get him out.

For what, and doubt he’d use it to pay his way!

Chron’s disease is very debilitating - he probably needs to be near a toilet etc

I know it is, but people do work with this ( pp’s son works full time) and employers can make adjustments. OP says it’s not so severe that he can’t work. I feel some posters are excusing this man , while OP gets a raw deal.

I’m ashamed to say I may go back to live with support of my parents. My depression is spiralling. They know about the depression, not how bad. A few others know and work because I’m not coping well. I didn’t leave home properly after being away at university and some physical health issues. I have worked since but broken. I have autism.

People were so understanding of someone with a physical illness. I’ve left jobs and gone back due to depression.
Maybe your brother never was well enough to go.

But we know nothing about how it affects him in his daily life. Something must be off course if he is 27 and living at home

Perhaps the parents have made him so comfortable he doesn’t want to leave, no responsibilities, bed and board, cushy life, cheap and comfortable. He’s in a rut with no desire to get out- why would he?

This is not a popular opinion by any means, but I am increasingly of the view that joining the rat race, building a “career” and sacrificing 40 of your best years to retire in old age to ‘enjoy’ 20 years (if you’re lucky) when you’ll more than likely be plagued with illness and aches and pains, is utter madness. I don’t blame anyone who finds a way to avoid this way of life, and I would have no issue enabling a child of mine to pursue more interesting and fulfilling things in their youth and not wait until they’re 60.

And how would that be funded, other than by indulgent parents, a lottery win or inheritance? What about aspirations and self respect, valuing yourself?

There are some YouTube videos on failure to launch which might be interesting for you or your parents.

OP I have severe Crohn’s disease - multiple surgeries, infusions in hospital every 8 weeks, injections every week etc.

I work full time in a demanding senior role, have two kids, pay a mortgage etc…

Its definitely possible!!

I’m saying aspirations are overrated. Like I said, it’s not a popular opinion. I know a few ‘trust fund kids’ whose parents bank roll their lifestyle and/or who have received substantial inheritance, and they have no less self respect than those of us in the group who are slaves to the rat race and modern work culture. For every horror story of a rich kid turning to drugs out of boredom - and I’m sure that happens - there are many rich kids who pursue hobbies and creative endeavours, sometimes making money along the way, but there’s no pressure to make a living. Seems like absolute bliss to me, and if I could afford to help my child take this path in life, I absolutely would.

That's not what he's doing though - he stays in and has no friends and doesn't do anything unless with his parents. This isn't an exciting alternative lifestyle, it's probably predominantly illness and liw grade depression and lack of self esteem and hope.

The country would be in an even worse state if many thought like that!

I saw this coming for 10 years, I begged after how good I’d been to mum, sister and her kids, for this not to happen. I literally prioritised them in my 20s and 30s. My mum said ‘that’s what daughters do!’’

I’d spent thousands on them all, when I had it and I get told ‘that’s what daughter’s do’.

When I didn’t play the role of ‘giving’ willingly that’s when things deteriorated.

sounds like you have enough challenges in your own life OP. let them get on with it, focus on your own children

Mine is late 50's. Never had more than a part time job. I am now the bad person for not "stepping up" and doing their collective house work. His lack of life is my fault somehow.

My advice...start framing his leaching as payment in advance for looking after them in their dotage.

Those who self-sufficiently opt out of the rat race and modern work culture aren’t necessarily non-contributors to society. I think that’s quite an old-fashioned view.

By the working tax payer of course! Who according to many on mn should be honoured and delighted to pay towards people like this of course.
how awful must it be to have no responsibilities and have everything supplied for you… tragic..

They know that if there is any inheritance it has to be shared between the siblings.

I'd mind my own. He could be secretly judging you for your lifestyle and no dad in the picture.