AIBU to resent my unemployed brother still living off our parents?

[Frustratedsister]

Namechanged,

So, I have a 27 yo old brother who is still living at home, also unemployed. He never goes out, has no life, no friends. Its honestly starting to wind me up and im losing alot of respect for him. He leeches off my parents and im starting to think they are enablers. They both work full time and they spend their hard earned on my brothers lifestyle. If we do things together he expects my poor mum to pay for his tickets, accomodation, travel and food. He contributes NOTHING.

With all due respect, im a single struggling mother, i have a teen and a 2 yo. I have to work, provide and keep a roof over our heads, i pay my bills. I wont deny the fact I do get some help from the government but I have purpose, willpower and I am making something of my life.
I feel like I want to say something to my parents. Tactfully of course. I just feel like the respect for my sibling is going. Im not jealous of his lifestyle, I just fail to understand how he wants to live this way and not even try to pull himself out of it.

To add he has crohns disease, i understand it is a chronic condititon that flares up but surely he is still capable of working even if thats part time?

Im sad for my parents, watching them enable him to live this lifestyle. He does...nothing.
I might get flamed, I know the economy isnt great and the jobs market is dire but still...what life is this?
Is it bad of me that im starting to see him in a different light??

He runs, which makes me think he is able bodied to get out. (Sorry i hope my words arent offensive)
No skills.
A little awkward.
Prehaps an element of depression. Other than that he functions just fine.

Should these factors prevent someone from getting out though??? Or a J-O-B!

What are your views?? Im really not sure how to help him. The longer it goes on the more i feel frustrated. I feel so bad for my parents who are working very hard to fund all of this.

What is there to judge about that @Firefly1987 ?

@ALovelyPinkUnicorn it would've been judged 40 years ago. Thankfully times have moved on. Unfortunately there is one group who still seem to be fair game.

There may be more medical conditions that isn’t for them to reveal, it’s your brothers private personal information that you aren’t entitled to.

I hear you. Mine is now in his 50’s. Has ME and they have funded a business (failed), bought a house for him to live in (he pays no rent) and he has been mollycoddled. I get he has health issues but I’ve never had the hands on or financial help etc. I’ve had to learn to live with it. It’s unfair but their choice 🤷‍♀️

And what’s their expectations of things? Do they have enough funds to provide for him till his end? Or do they expect you to take him on?

My father has died. Mum currently in her 80’s. They own their house and his and both in trust owned jointly between us. Little savings. They were going to change the trust to say he doesn’t have to buy me out of the house he lives in on mums death but too complicated. I would rather he did buy me out and we split what’s left as seems fairer and less complicated.

I voted yabu. You don't know what his mental health is like. You think you know, but you don't. Your parents should be making sure everything is financially fair between you both, though.

I think you are unreasonable. I have a son with Crohn's and another autoimmune condition. He is currently working close to full time but there have been long periods where he hasn't been able to work at all. I am well aware that things can change any time and he may have to pull back in future, though I hope not. In that case, if it happens, we will support him as he needs.

I also have a DD not living at home. Sometimes she makes comments but it just makes her come off badly and judgemental. I support her as she needs too, just in different ways.

If my DD was to have a talk with me, I would tell her it's none of her business (my life, time and money, not hers), she doesn't necessarily know all the details of the situation and she'll just have to accept that there is a reason that we make the decisions we do. End of.

There have always been people like this.

Usually they are quite depressed and lack purpose. They don't particularly enjoy life. Often they would end up as carers for their parents and sometimes fall into a job that suits them - doing a bit of gardening or cleaning - a few hours a week. They might feel comfortable having a small chat with neighbours they have know for years. However the thought of the big world and the complexity of it can be absolutely overwhelming. Moving away or applying for a stressful job is not considered. They lack the lack confidence and sometimes the ability to do it.

Sadly as people have become more isolated and community has disappeared, the small outlets and quiet lives they could slowly build have mostly gone. Jobs are nearly impossible to get, even part time minimum wage jobs. It's also far too easy to just disappear into the online world. So people who a generation ok would have been a bit odd but still productive in their own way, now increasingly just end up giving up and doing nothing.

Are you close to your brother? Would you have a chat with him about where he sees his life going?

So “tough dd, I’ve decided your brother means more, and that you are jealous” ?
yep you sound a great, fair and caring parent. I do hope you let your dd know how little and negatively you think of her, so she doesn’t waste any time being upset, and can be aware she has no duty for you in later life.

YANBU. So many men are like this, chronic condition or not. Of course you get some women like it too, but it’s much more common with men. For some reason mothers seem to baby them more and let them get away with all sorts. It doesn’t do them any good long term. Your parents are setting him up for a miserable lonely life.

Tbh, your comments make you come across badly. What a horrible attitude towards your dd

I have a great relationship with my DD. She got married or she'd be welcome at home. She has her own health needs which I have supported her with just as fully as her brother. If her brother were to query the help she gets, he would also be told it's none of his business. My DD does have a judgemental streak towards people though. No, it didn't come from me.

See comment above. You know nothing of my relationship with my DD which is actually very positive.

This post nails it I think.

I will add that people rarely change their lives for the better when they are treated as and spoken to as though they are 'losers'. For your brother to have the chance to build his confidence and his life, he needs support to develop self-compassion and self-respect. He might not be able to live up to the sort of standards that society demands of a 'normal' or 'successful' life - at least not for quite some time. If he has no self-worth, he can hardly be expected to act like a person with worth, and sadly the reactions of others can end up reinforcing being stuck.

He also needs some sort of spark of motivation (and probably help getting connected with some really good support from outside his own family). I wonder what that would take in your brother's case. What is he good at, or did he used to be good at? What are his values? What does he care about? Is he suffering in ways that he can't easily express? It's so hard when someone can't even form any sort of clear goal that feels realistic to them - when they can't even see how life could be different.

Sure, you can see your parents as enablers, and sometimes it might take clear boundaries and limits to support to move someone to a place where they start to consider changing. But it's complicated too. It's easy to think
'if the support were taken away, that person would just have to find a way to survive'. But sadly, people don't necessarily find a way to survive when the support and security that they are used to depending on is withdrawn.

How? Her daughter is being judgemental and her mum doesn't want to hear her other child talked badly about? She sounds like a wonderful mum! So you'd encourage your kids to talk badly about each other then would you?

I mean my DD will criticise things like I drove my child ten minutes to his workplace because he couldn't actually walk it for strong medical reasons. I was supporting him to stay in employment. That's nothing to do with her or anyone else.