DH won't allow DS to leave his private school

[crushizer]

I posted a few months ago about DS not being allowed days off for a theatre show some of you may remember.

He's almost 15 and in year 10, he's our youngest of 3 boys (older 2 are sporty for context).

He goes to private school, the same school his brothers went to an the school DHwent to. He's gone to this school all the way through but he hates it. He was constantly getting into trouble and it has calmed down now since his theatre show but he has been getting into trouble for being laye in a few occasions due to him taking too long to get ready (hes became very obsessed with his looks the last couple of months) and lack of homework but school have seem an improvement in his behaviour and j think this is because I agreed he could leave at the end of year 10. DH is against this - says it's embarrassing and he needs a backup plan (he doesn't support the acting at all). I've looked into some state schools and they don't take students for year 11 but I've found a 14+ college and he seems happy with it especially as he can still do acting and the timetable isn't as rigid as school. He really wants to go there but DH has said no.

They don't have much of a relationship, as I said DH doesn't support the acting and didn't go to any of the shoes at the theatre and they're arguing constantly. He just says “we do everything/give you everything and this is how you behave” called him ungrateful etc etc. DS this evening has made it clear he's not doing another year at the school and he’ll do whatever he can to get kicked out and DH has basically said he can't go to his theatre group for the foreseeable and won't at all during his GCSEs which again has angered and upset DS. He's not perfect and I know he needs some consequences but acting is the one thing he cares about, he's said multiple times he has no friends at school, only outside at the theatre group and he feels himself there

I don't know what to do or how to get DH to change his mind

Arts is the one thing I believe AI can’t take from
us …. Please continue to encourage him

Art is one of the very things Ai is already becoming great in.

End of Y10 is literally the worst time to move. I'd agree with your DH that he should do GCSEs in the current school. Will the college even take him for Y11 only?

This genuinely seems bonkers. No wonder the kid is acting out, he's confused as hell by the different messages from home.

This

Isn’t the sensible deal here to say to DS that he stays where he is to finish his GCSEs and in exchange for good behaviour doing that he of course keeps doing drama group - ie your DH gets what he wants which is (hopefully) a child with decent GCSEs, and your Ds gets what he wants which is to keep doing theatre. Then you talk to the school about whether doing A levels there is really a good fit for your DS (presumably he could do drama as one?) or whether performing arts training would be better.

My brother really wanted to go into acting. My parents supported him and he got into drama school after high school and turned down a good uni place to go. After two years, drama school wasn’t working out (too pretentious for him, for one thing), and he quit and went to uni and got a finance qualification and works in finance. So he wound up on a very conventional path but it was HIS choices that got him there, and he won’t die wondering whether he would actually have preferred acting.

IMO, and based on your posts alone, I think both you and your husband have handled this the wrong way. I know it sounds like I am judging but I am not - I am not sure I would have handled it any better if in the thick of it.

There is a lot to unpick and I haven’t seen your previous thread but your son is caught in the middle of miscommunication between you and your husband.
Your husband has insisted on his staying on at this school and sometimes if this is all you have known and it has been a success up until now, then anything else is an unknown and you worry about sending him out into that.
I am from a STEM background and it’s secure, including from AI. If my DC wanted to do theatre I would be terrified at the insecurity of it and probably actively discourage it. I like to think I wouldn’t go about it like your husband did, though.

You have listened to your son, which is great, but have promised he can leave at the end of y10 with no real plan. He will need to get GCSEs or some other equivalent qualification but it will be hard (impossible?) to join another school in year 11. This is the complete polar opposite to your husband’s view point and, unfortunately, your son’s hopes are up and he is caught in the middle.

Can the three of you meet with the school - teacher, pastoral, counsellor?

Happy to pay private? Should send him to something like the Sylvia Young schools, supposed to be above average academically and your son would be in an environment he'd thrive.

I don't know OP. On one hand, sometimes kids are kids and they don't always know what's best. But if he's that unhappy, flatly refuses to engage with the school further then your husband needs to start thinking differently. There's no point in completely trashing his GCSE grades etc because husband is too set in his ways. Time for him to have a calm, very calm chat with his son and you about going forward for the best otherwise their relationship and your son's education isn't going to do well.

My dad did similar to me. After school I wanted to go to art college, whereas dad wanted me to become a secretary then get married and have children because he came from a generation where that's what women did. My mum, luckily was very good at handling dad but I lost respect for him bellowing and being stubborn over it. I did go to art college in the end, then a degree and I made a career out of one of the mediums I learned there.

I can appreciate why this is not a good time to move schools but I also think that sometimes we have to see how deeply unhappy our child is and understand the dangers that can bring.
The acting is not a hobby, it is some he has discovered a talent for and which has made him feel as if he fits in, he has found his community and now wants to be himself.
Ignoring the rights and wrongs of having told him he could leave you need to work out what to do and that is going to involve communication with both of them. Ideally they would both make some compromises but first they need to give up entrenched positions.
Insisting he goes back after the summer might get him some qualifications but might lead to him walking out of school, being thrown out of school or your husband throwing him out of the house.
I think you need a meeting with the school, if they are part of a group of private schools they might be able to suggest one which is a better fit for your son. Even if not they can at least tell you what exam boards and syllabus he has been on to help you identify alternatives.
Home schooled students still sit exams so there must be some form of distance learning.
Identify the priorities, ds mental health, not dropping out of education, getting some GCSE’s. Explore all the possibilities.

This. Have you posted about this before? Presumably his behaviour and attitude has not changed.

You husband's reasoning for your son to stay on despite it not suiting his son is because it is 'embarrassing' for his son to leave.

There is one person here who needs to be told to grow the fuck up and it's not your son.

Your DH is a controlling dickhead and he’s going to seriously mess your child up.

Plus who died and made him god of you all?

It’s that classic thing of English men thinking that unless you go to X school or X uni and follow exactly the same path as they did you’re a failure.

I would have one more discussion with your DH and tell him that he has to see sense or you will be permitting your DS to to leave (including giving notice to the school) and start the college and you will be taking him to his drama. Because it’s this or a child with an exclusion on his record and probably some mental health issues too.

It’s not just the schooling though- why isn’t he showing at least some interest in your DS’s passion? Why is he more worried about his image than his kids? Wouldn’t you and your youngest be happier living somewhere re without him? I think I’d leave my partner if he was being so cruel to my kids.

Since you're already paying for private school could you consider something like kings or minerva home private school?

I think the sensible compromise is that he stays for Y11 and GCSEs, but leaves for 6th form and it’s your job to get DH on board with the plan.

Divorce is a wonderful thing.

Leave DH, take the kid with you.

I would already have torn my DH a new arsehole as frankly he sounds a complete prick. I would literally be yelling at him whenever he’s watched a tv programme or a film or says anything about his favourite actors or drama - “See that’s a worthwhile fucking job as you liked it arsehole”

I just wouldn’t put up with the not supporting the kid in what he wants to do, or the treating him different from the sporty ones.

And by not putting up with it I mean ‘change your tune or we’re off’ and MEAN IT.

The absolute BeST thing we ever did for ds was take him out of his provate school and send him to a different school. Taking away his theatre would have taken away the only thing that kept him going. If a child is that unhappy/unsited to academics then they need something that gives them purpose. Everyone saying to use it as a threat for behaviour is mising the point.

Ds went from being a child who (although clever) we thought would not pass any exams to one who sucesfully completed a Level 3 Btec, did four years at uni and is now working professionally in theatre as a musician and tech support.

Take control and over-rule your dh.

@crushizer I don’t think state schools can refuse an application to join without a specific reason, and it being Year 11 isn’t a valid one. Accepted reasons would be being at their PAN limit (max number of places available) or the child having been previously being expelled from that school. I know we have to take students. Schools might not want to if they’re worried about the impact on exam results of a student starting so late, but I would suggest checking that they’re not just trying to discourage you as opposed to giving an outright no.

Your DH is an idiot but also moving a child between year 10 and 11 is a bad idea. Lots of children hate school unfortunately but with one more year to go I think it’s usually better to put up with it (unless there is serious bullying going on or similar).
Can you not talk to your DS about knuckling down for one more year (7 months really by exam time), getting some GCSEs and then choosing somewhere that is more suitable for 16+. He could go somewhere to do a drama course perhaps or A levels on more arty subjects.

Your DH is a twat. What will he do if your DS says he’s gay? (My teen DS is musical and has come out as gay and my DH was privately sad about it but still openly supports him)

In your shoes, you have to stand up to your DH and support DS in whatever he wants to do. DS will do what he wants when he’s an adult anyway, but if you don’t actively support him now, he’s liable to go no contact with you too when he’s older! I’d never risk losing my son over a controlling DH.

I don't know about Dead Poets Society but Billy Elliott came to mind.

Is his father scared his son is going to be arty farty rather than a rugger bugger ? (Excuse language and generalisations but they seem to fit)

This. I would be talking to him and DH about a compeomise. He sticks it out for year 11, what does he need to manage that and how will you supply it, and then gets to explore other options for 6th form.

My son left his private school at the end of year 10 - he hated it. He went to a private GCSe and A level college only. It was small, lots of kids who didn't fit in "mainstream" and/or had special learning needs and/or were arty. My son us bright but dyslexic. He did fine at tge private college. Finished with 7 very good/excellent GCSEs and 1 adequate one without applying himself too much. I was so worried about switching him at that stage, but the fact that he was happier (if not entirely loving the new school) got him the through. He went on and did AS levrks. Then an extended BTEC diploma and on to uni. He finished a couple of years ago. And is gainfully employed in sports on a very decent graudate salary and absolutely lives his job where he works eith great supportive people. He competes throughout Europe ans North America. Not at all what I "planned". I have multiple degrees from top global unis, (I am a Professor) and had hoped for something similar for him. It was a big lesson for me. I hope you can persuade your husband to try the state college (or find a private college as I find for mine).