DH won't allow DS to leave his private school

[crushizer]

I posted a few months ago about DS not being allowed days off for a theatre show some of you may remember.

He's almost 15 and in year 10, he's our youngest of 3 boys (older 2 are sporty for context).

He goes to private school, the same school his brothers went to an the school DHwent to. He's gone to this school all the way through but he hates it. He was constantly getting into trouble and it has calmed down now since his theatre show but he has been getting into trouble for being laye in a few occasions due to him taking too long to get ready (hes became very obsessed with his looks the last couple of months) and lack of homework but school have seem an improvement in his behaviour and j think this is because I agreed he could leave at the end of year 10. DH is against this - says it's embarrassing and he needs a backup plan (he doesn't support the acting at all). I've looked into some state schools and they don't take students for year 11 but I've found a 14+ college and he seems happy with it especially as he can still do acting and the timetable isn't as rigid as school. He really wants to go there but DH has said no.

They don't have much of a relationship, as I said DH doesn't support the acting and didn't go to any of the shoes at the theatre and they're arguing constantly. He just says “we do everything/give you everything and this is how you behave” called him ungrateful etc etc. DS this evening has made it clear he's not doing another year at the school and he’ll do whatever he can to get kicked out and DH has basically said he can't go to his theatre group for the foreseeable and won't at all during his GCSEs which again has angered and upset DS. He's not perfect and I know he needs some consequences but acting is the one thing he cares about, he's said multiple times he has no friends at school, only outside at the theatre group and he feels himself there

I don't know what to do or how to get DH to change his mind

Wouldn’t a good compromise be that he stays at the school for year 11 but he carries on with theatre group and can do whatever he wants (i.e performing arts college) afterwards?

Who made your DH the boss in your house? He is a terrible parent to your son. It was his choice to send all his children to private school so why on earth should your son be grateful?

Your DH is a bully (I bet he learned that at his private school) but he must realise that his current school isn't a good fit for your DS. He agreed to let him leave after year 11 but has changed his mind out of sheer spite.

Your views are as valid as his but he is bullying both you and your son. He doesn't care how unhappy his son is. He is a monster.

Can you stand up to him or are you scared of him?

your son can apply to colleges himself post 16 so at most your dh can make him stay one more year. He can’t make him attend for A level. Would that information make any difference to your dh decision?

This is a very valid point. Year 11 is not the time to move schools and you should have had the discussion with your DH before promising things you can’t follow through with.

Get him excited about a performing arts college after he’s done his GCSEs. He’ll he halfway through his gcse courses if you move him now.

Clearly your DH is nuts to try amd enforce your DS staying at the same school for Y12 and Y13. I can understand wanting to avoid him changing schools for Y11 though as it's likely to be very difficult to transfer curriculum content exactly for GCSE's. I'd also understand feeling as though moving schools as a result of poor behaviour and persistant lateness may feel like rewarding the poor behaviour. But if your DS is very unhappy in current school and you and he (and I think the school?) all seem to think it's in his best interests to move then I don't see why or how DH would have the final say.

I wouldn’t have agreed to leave at end of year 10 you rewarded his lateness and lack of homework.

Acting would have been off cards once he reports where getting bad the reward would have been getting it back for correct behaviour at school then after year 11 whatever college or sixth he picked.

Those colleges for 14 plus year olds not normally a place to aim for they are last resorts for school refusers and those who have been expelled.

Your H is an absolute arse!! no wonder he has no relationship with your son.

You need to take DS side and be clear he is not going back. Unless he is an absolute bully to you as well (then you just need to leave).

If he cannot see the damage he is doing to your son, I think I would be making plans to be in my own, with DS.

Just because he went there does not mean it suits everyone - what an awful man!!!

Why does your DH have an issue with acting? How odd.

Your DH sounds like he's throwing a tantrum because your DS isn't just like his crazy idea of an ideal child. Your DH sounds like more of a child than DS though. I don't think your DH should get any say on what DS does. How would moving to a 14+ College at the end of year 10 really work though. Would DS be able to continue on the GCSEs he's doing or would he have to repeat year 10? Even if the subjects are the same, are the two schools teaching everything the same way round? (So would his new school teach everything he hasn't been taught by his old school in year 10, in year 11?) There is a real danger that he might either:

• have been taught some parts of his GCSEs in year 10 by old school, and then be taught these parts again in new school in year 11, having never been taught other parts of the course.
• OR been taught things in year 10 for GCSEs in old school that aren't part of those GCSEs in new school, and then find that he knows half of one GCSE and half of another and so can't really pass a full exam!

I agreed he could leave as he was on his final warning and was likely not to be asked back anyway. His behaviour at school has improved apart from some lateness and not doing his homework on some occasions.

So his behaviour hasn’t actually improved. Still being late, still missing homework.

His done just enough for you to be agreeable.

He is barely trying.

His acting hobby would have been conditional on his school behaviour. Ships sailed I guess though.

Your DH is literally setting his relationship with your son on fire ... there may be no coming back from this if he doesn't start to listen.

And this may have to be a marriage dealbreaker for you, OP, if he won't listen and see not every child is a good fit for every school. And don't even get me started on what your DH thinks your son 'should' be doing with his life ...

Have you thought about applying for a performing arts school? I appreciate DH will be a barrier but it’s maybe the best thing for him if he’s sure that’s what he wants to do.

How can you even look at your husband when all he is thinking about is how what your son wants makes him look.

I cannot believe that you even give this arsehole the time of day.

I also agree with a PP that getting the school involved is a good idea. Far more palatable to your husband that "our son wanted to follow a more creative career so he went for an option that facilitated that" than "he got sent down for his behaviour" when the school agree that he isnt best fitted there.

He needs to complete year 11 then be allowed to change schools

Do whatever you can to help your son explore this side of his personality.
Your husband is being an idiot (to put it very mildly).

Yes OP? I agree with this 100%

I could not agree more.

Sit your dh down and tell him he is being very cruel to his child

not all children are the same, not all are academic, some like the classics, some like the arts, he is not encouraging or supporting his child in things the child likes, but rather seems to be forcing him to be something he is not. And certainly he is wrong to not support him by refusing to attend shows

Ask him if he wants a relationship with his son, and if so why isn’t he supporting him?

personally it’s a deal breaker for me, my child comes first and I would rather be a single mother with a happy and balanced child that stay married to someone who won’t support his child and dictates it’s his way or no way

I suspect his behaviour improved because he was told he could leave. Because bad behaviour is communication. And his was heard. Expect him to go back to bad behaviour now.

And please stop behaving as if your H is the manager and you are all the staff. He doesn’t get to have his sons at his school for his ego when it isn’t in their best interests.

Absolutely this. Your poor child. You are screwing his life/mental health up by telling him one thing without a proper conversation/agreement with his father or a legitimate plan of what he will do if he does leave. His father may be a prick but you're not much better. Get your act together as parents and start parenting. Remember he is the child here. He doesn't get to play up so that he can get his own way. Set some jointly (you and his dad) rules and stick to them. You've created a real mess here. Sort it out and fast before he goes completely off the rails.

Have you seen Dead Poets' Society?

I am astonished at some of the replies on here - he is in Y10. Half way through a GCSE syllabus! No child should be moved unless desparate circumstances and no private school will kick out half way through unless he’s done something he can’t come back from. You both need to go with your son to the school to work out a Y11 plan. What happens after that can be decided after exams are over. So what if he won’t get the same grades as his siblings. He has to do GCSE’s somewhere so what will change if you move him? I actually don’t blame your husband - he probably realises the minute possibility of acting going anywhere and wants him to have some grades behind him to give him a proper plan.

you are both his parents - you don’t get to be off the hook by claiming this is all your husbands fault and then promising your son he can leave at the end of Y10 with no actual plan to do so. get together, be on the same page and help your son move sensibly forward.

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