DH won't allow DS to leave his private school

[crushizer]

I posted a few months ago about DS not being allowed days off for a theatre show some of you may remember.

He's almost 15 and in year 10, he's our youngest of 3 boys (older 2 are sporty for context).

He goes to private school, the same school his brothers went to an the school DHwent to. He's gone to this school all the way through but he hates it. He was constantly getting into trouble and it has calmed down now since his theatre show but he has been getting into trouble for being laye in a few occasions due to him taking too long to get ready (hes became very obsessed with his looks the last couple of months) and lack of homework but school have seem an improvement in his behaviour and j think this is because I agreed he could leave at the end of year 10. DH is against this - says it's embarrassing and he needs a backup plan (he doesn't support the acting at all). I've looked into some state schools and they don't take students for year 11 but I've found a 14+ college and he seems happy with it especially as he can still do acting and the timetable isn't as rigid as school. He really wants to go there but DH has said no.

They don't have much of a relationship, as I said DH doesn't support the acting and didn't go to any of the shoes at the theatre and they're arguing constantly. He just says “we do everything/give you everything and this is how you behave” called him ungrateful etc etc. DS this evening has made it clear he's not doing another year at the school and he’ll do whatever he can to get kicked out and DH has basically said he can't go to his theatre group for the foreseeable and won't at all during his GCSEs which again has angered and upset DS. He's not perfect and I know he needs some consequences but acting is the one thing he cares about, he's said multiple times he has no friends at school, only outside at the theatre group and he feels himself there

I don't know what to do or how to get DH to change his mind

The school doesn’t suit your DS
Your DH is cruel and inflexible
let your DS spread his wings and explore his creative side

Your DH is an idiot

I would leave my DH if he treated my child like this

Why does your DH get the final say?
your DS will not thrive in his current school
The arts are so important - young talent should be nurtured

Your DH sounds vile. Let DS act and be who he is. Your DH has two other sons who can play the golden child with. I feel really sorry for your DS.

Your DS needs you to back him. Your DH is doing him damage here

I remember your first post.

Are you able to get your DH to articulate what his worries are about DS leaving? Even if his career isn’t in acting, he has a better chance of academic success at a school he attends, rather than one he doesn’t want to go to.

Isn't this the plot of Dead Poets Society?

Normally I would say that this is a terrible time to move schools and to see if he could stick it out another year, but in this case it sounds like he would be better going elsewhere and getting a few GCSEs, than not attending/ getting kicked out and getting none.
i’d like to think your DH is concerned due to the awful timing, but he doesn’t sound like he cares about DS’s best interests. Again, not putting all his eggs in the theatre basket is sensible, but I can’t imagine not even coming to see my DC in their show.

Support your DS

Tell your vile H to fuck off

Do not allow DS's MH to deteriorate

I'm not sure your DH can stop him can he? If the college is a state school so you don't need money for fees...just send him there. Do what you need to do to support DS' acting.

Your DS sounds miserable in that school.
i would advocate for him, you are also his parent! Not just DH.

I think he needs to buck up his behaviour and get through year 11 and then move. He’s going to struggle with any GCSE’s if he moves at this point. Will the 14+ college even take him? The one here won’t take year 11.

I had 2 who hated their school and both had to just get through year 11 and then they could both move

Poor DS. Family therapy? DH may need support to understand the changing role of children as they age. And to hear DS. They’re in a really unhelpful yes/no boo/hooray phase that is only getting more entrenched.

Tricky to leave at end of year 10. Seems he is young for his year. Could he move to a state school with strong theatre focus? And do year 10 again? What about the Brit School? Or something similar

DH wanted all our boys to go to this school and I had no issues at first but seeing how unhappy DS is at the school and he isn’t likely to get high grades as in 8/9s like his brothers as he’s not academic. DH did initially say he could go to a state college after year 11 instead of staying for sixthform but now he’s saying he’s to stay until the end of year 13 when he’s done his A levels. He finishes on friday for the summer holidays so we need to have a plan sooner rather than later

Why does H get to choose? Why is he in charge? Why can't YOU advocate for your son?

Looking at the problem from a different angle - what would the school say ? Would they support an un-engaged student, likely to cause distrubtion or lower their exam record if nothing else ? Think it would be worth a quiet word with your DS's head of year

You need to back your Ds in this. Your Dh trying to make a non academic child stay in this school till A levels is absolutely ridiculous and such a waste of money.
Forcing him to stay there will probably result in him rebelling even more and tanking his gcses anyway.
Talk to the school and other schools and see if they will take him on in the first place.

What a horrible H you have. I couldn't sit back and watch anyone treat my child that way. Your H doesn't even know his own son but thinks that he should decide his future. You can''t force a square peg into a round hole, and that's exactly what your H is trying to do. On top of that, he is saying that your son will embarrass him if doesn't fall in line. You need to get your son away from that man before you both you lose him.

If you havent given notice, then you will have to pay for a terms fees. I'd speak to the school and find out what that situation is.

You and DH sound dysfunctional. You promised your son he could leave at the end of Year 10. Tomorrow should be his last day there. But he has no clarity and certainty- thus taking things into his control.

There’s no question, your DS absolutely can’t stay on in a school he hates. I can’t see how your H actually sees that he can force him to. He will be 16 and able to leave home! I’m not sure how you can make your H see sense, is he controlling in other ways?

Your husband is all about 'tradition' and all the children 'following in his footsteps' by attending 'his school'. His attitude is ego driven, and wanting it known all his children went to X school, like he did.

Unfortunately, I don't think your husband is going to agree with your son changing schools. Your husband isn't interested in what's best for your son. His ego is far more important to him, than your son.

Making a child who isn't academic go onto do A Levels is pointless and utterly ridiculous. It will be a waste of time for your son, and for your finances. Your husband clearly doesn't hold any worth to your son's interest in acting. I suspect he's hoping by forcing your son's hand, it will make him forget all about the 'acting nonsense' and concentrate on getting a 'proper career'.

Your husband is a pompous twat and he's in serious danger of alienating his son completely and destroying any relationship in the future.

I don't know if you alone can change your son's school. Your husband has parental responsibility and therefore it's a joint decision. He could block any attempt you make to enrol him elsewhere.

Why did you tell him he could leave at the end of year 10? I personally think it's a crazy decision. I would have told him to stick out year 11 and then go on to do performing arts after his GCSE's. The main issue here though is you told him he could leave without agreement from DH. It's a decision you should have hashed out between you before telling DC.

Y11 is not the time to move. He's got plenty of time to act, but gcses are important One more year at school, get his exams and then the choice can be his