I know it's unreasonable because you're strangers on the internet, but give me your armchair diagnosis

[Ihaveneedofwaternear]

It's my day off. I can't relax. This is me every day off. Up a height with anxiety. Frozen to the sofa wanting to move. Trying to sort tasks, then feeling overwhelmed by anxiety. On edge that my DH will come down and find me doing nothing and think I'm lazy. Endlessly worried about things I haven't done at work. Yet behind at work because I also have this weird, frozen thing there. Also can't go and buy clothes for myself, not showered today, feel anxious about really simple things like the shopping.

Technically shouldn't be on the edge of my nerves and on the brink of a breakdown, but am because I feel like this all the time.

I know it sounds like an anxiety disorder, but I have nothing to be anxious about - this inability to do things and constant thinking thinking thinking is the main thing that makes life difficult!

Are you like this? What is it? How do you fix it?

Also I see you have a neurodivergent child - that probably points to your own ND even more then as it’s very much genetic, unless your child’s father is ND?

How old are you? My first thought was perimenopause not adhd. Someone else has posted could be both so worth seeing your GP.

I’m not ND and have history of depression but when perimenopause hit I was overwhelmed by feelings of being unable to do anything, feeling stuck etc, much much worse than anything I’d experienced before. HRT for me has started to make a huge difference. Good luck.

It is not a 'first world problem'. At least, not in the sense of being trivial or self-indulgent -- it may be, in the sense that the first world has sucked us into unnatural lifestyles.

You work in the NHS! One of the most stressful areas of employment there is. And you have two children! And don't say "only part time", since you spend your non-working days dealing with the demands of parenthood (and, in all probability, taking on more of the mental load than your husband). That is a shitload of stress. Life is hard. Give yourself permission to feel exhausted. Lean in to the exhaustion when you can.

Allow rest, don't fight against it or call it inertia or procrastination. Don't judge it harshly. You will never feel refreshed if you never feel at rest. Perhaps set aside times for genuine nourishing self care. You might find that it becomes easier, outside of those times, to fulfil the tasks that life (and your self-judgement) set you.

(And of course if you do feel a trip to the GP is in order, give yourself that care and compassion.)

How old are you? My adhd mostly slid under the radar for a long time (although the signs were always there) but when I hit perimenopause the paralysing anxiety went into overdrive. I’m now on adhd meds and over peri and feel pretty good most of the time.

Sounds very like ADHD to me. I have it. And I wasn't diagnosed until I was sixty!
Absolute incapacity to make a decision or get started, despite there being loads of things you know need doing and even actually want to do. Hours on sofa feeling guilty. Profound exhaustion. Difficulty with self-maintenance, often a weird resistance to shower or bath due to not wanting the feel of water on your skin (although it's fine once you actually do it.)

I have also had severe depression which makes these symptoms even worse.

It saddens and frustrates me that people think ADHD is 'fashionable' these days. Maybe people do say 'Oh, my ADHD brain!' if they forget their car keys once, or lock themselves out of their house by accident. Once. But for people who have lived with it for decades before it even had a name, it is a really debilitating invisible disability. Almost nothing is on automatic. Every small action requires thought and effort. The simplest thing - like hanging up your coat when you get home, can't happen without real concentration. And that concentration is battling against a barrage of simultaneous thoughts and demands that cannot be filtered out.

I think people on MN are quick to diagnose ADHD or autism because a lot of people on here are ND. Non ND people are out in the world, not sweating the small stuff, not being distracted, having social lives, not fretting anxiously about everything that happens to their child, everything they said at a meeting, not puzzled by how to keep their bathrooms clean or why they find 'life admin' so challenging.

Whether or not you have ADHD, many of the strategies to support people with ADHD could help you with what sounds like problems with executive functioning. ADHD UK have loads of resources that could help you, including free zoom sessions.

I'm 40, and definitely feel the effects of hormones each month mood and physical symptoms-wise, and periods getting shorter and lighter too. So maybe peri is worth seriously considering.

Thank you for all the kind comments about life being hard and busy generally. And I take people's points about possible ADHD and the genetic link. My dad struggles a lot with his mood and doing things as well, although it presents very differently to me, and my son has a lot of autistic/OCD type thoughts and needs and behaviours.

But then I start thinking I'm just looking for a good excuse to explain my laziness and being shit at my job! I have tried therapy, but maybe I need to go back and think about CBT again

Use the Eisenhower matrix and get the urgent and important stuff done. Once you get used to that move onto the second box of your choice urgent and not important or important but not urgent. Then reward yourself treats for every task completed.
People who tend to procrastinate often just aren’t using the right tools. And then that can develop anxiety. If you always do the urgent important and important non urgent stuff in life you come out on top.

I’m ND and DS has ADHD.

This is a tiny little thing, but when I get totally overwhelmed at home, I put a load of laundry on. I tell myself that is all I have to do and that it is enough for the day. All I have to do is scoop up an armful of laundry and put it in the machine etc. I don’t think about what I will need to do when the cycle finishes, I just focus on starting the process.

For some reason this little thing really helps me feel like I have accomplished one thing and so I can probably do something else, like make a phone call or send an email.

I hope this is helpful and that other posters give you more useful tips!!

I just want to express caution about the ADHD (or autism) framing. I absolutely knew that there would be posts suggesting this, because it is so, so "fashionable" at the moment

Caution is good, but I equally wouldn't want someone to rule out ADHD just because it is a fashionable topic. Lifelong difficulties with executive function and basic self-care sound to me like something more than what everyone experiences due to the stresses of modern life, or at least deserving of some investigation. I also think that some strategies used by people with ADHD to help with executive function can be useful for others, even if they don't have it or don't have a diagnosis, and there is not much to lose in trying them out. Obviously the bar is much higher for medication.

Of course there is so much grey area with all of this, in particular in relation to difference/disorder and the part played by environment - I think many people who experience their neurodivergence as a disorder in the 21st century world might have found it to be simply a difference (or even a benefit) in another context.

Thanks for the suggestion, I've Google it and it's a new one to try, at least! Sometimes the novelty of a new system does help. But really, all these hacks are very similar to each other. I'm already very organised, lists deadlines etc. Make it small. Make it visible. But I cannot get going. I'm starting to realise I do attach a lot of emotion and bad feeling to tasks, which doesn't help. Also, showering, shopping for summer clothes... they are never really immediately urgent and important, or at least not until you hit that crunch point of absol having to do them. I've gone to work when I've not showered for 3 days, I wear the same clothes over and over. I don't feel good about this stuff, and I don't think people can really tell.

I think I'm just venting a bit now. And putting off making myself lunch 🤣

I think you have to start to differentiate between reasons and excuses. You may have ADHD, you may just be overwhelmed, it may be hormonal, it could be depression. Having a diagnosis can be helpful for some people as an explanation, but it’s just a first step. Whatever it is, you then have a certain amount of choice about how you progress from there. For some people a diagnosis is useful as they want to try medication. My son has gone down this route. Maybe start by talking to your GP.

And you’re probably not as shit at your job as you think. IME the people who think “this is all going well” tend to be among the shittest.

Leaving any kind of ND aside for now, I honestly think you have been suffering from depression for a very long time. So long that to you, it has normalised into 'this is how I am'. You are stressed up to the eyeballs. Please go and see your GP as there is help available. If you don't know how or what to say to them, show them your comments on this thread.

It is possible that you may be ND, but it is also possible to be ND and have depression at the same time.

i was 47 when i was diagnosed with ADHD and mine started showing due to being anxious for what seemed to be no reason then having issues in work

You're in the age bracket of women who missed out on getting diagnosed in childhood. I didn't get my ASD diagnosis until I was 34, I'm now 39. Looking back, all the signs were there, but because it wasn't well recognised in girls I flew under the radar and people just thought I was quiet and sensitive.

I'm also in peri, so if you suspect you're in it too then it's worth getting a blood test to confirm. However, I haven't found that it's affected me day to day beyond being a little bit more forgetful.

I have a friend who is much the same as you describe and he's convinced he has ADHD, however he isn't formally diagnosed. I'd suggest you start looking into getting assessed though, because medication can make a huge difference, from what I've read.

But would you be shit at your job if you have good support in place? I've been where you are, and having support and adjustment has turned things right around for me. Now I have everything in place, I'm actually exceeding and at where I never thought I'd be.

I always thought I was shit at life and used to get so frustrated with myself, I do still frustrate myself sometimes.

Since I've got my meds and adjustments, I don't drop the ball on anything as I'm able to organise and prioritise my work.

Not so good at home, but I'm at peace with that now.

I was just going to say the same thing. It sounds like functional freeze.

A danger with terms like 'functional freeze' is that they are often really just redescriptions of a problem, rather than providing any further understanding of it.

Often they originate on social media and they are just buzz words to make content catchy. They 'catch' us because they seem to promise a label, a shield, an insight into 'who we are' or 'what's wrong with us'. But they don't, really. And labelling can often get in the way, especially if the paralysis is accompanied by being too much in our heads.

Whatever the label, the solution tends to lie in the same sort of practical tricks. Rest, self-care, to-do lists and apps, renegotiation with partners who aren't pulling their weight, setting roles and boundaries with the kids, tweaking employment roles, detoxing from social media, etc.

I'm like this too and I've found regular large doses of magnesium very helpful. It relaxes me enough to offset the anxiety and the subsequent fear and freezing that follows it. Magnesium glycine works best for me and I take 1000mg at night before bed. I don't see the point of looking for an adhd diagnosis quite honestly, because you still have to deal with it, whether it's named or not. Hugs x

It’s anxiety. I think you are doing yourself a disservice trying to find a reason for it. Or trying to find tools to squeeze your way out of it. Setting timers and making lists will do absolutely nothing when you are so dysregulated. It’s not like you haven’t come up with a trick everyone else uses for managing life. Everyone else isn’t anxious.

I would go back to the GP and push for trying meds you haven’t tried previously. I’d also consider trying something more holistic, like hypnotherapy. Solution focused hypnotherapy can be particularly helpful for anxiety.

Are you menopausal. Much of what you describe I can relate to. The unable to act think is real. It stops me doing work stuff or house stuff and I thought I was procrastinating but it’s more than that. I used to wake at night with palpitations gripped with anxiety. I had quite a lot of other symptoms too but since starting HRT I have seen improvements. It’s your cortisol spiking. You get stuck in fight or flight .

Thanks for all these suggestions. I agree that maybe the "reason" isn't really important, it's about addressing the symptoms. But I feel very low and shit about myself, and I think knowing why I do this might go some way towards self compassion.

Thinking about going to the GP, therapy, adjustment at work, medication, whatever... It all just feels like more work to do. I know the only way to feel better is to do something, or do something different, but I can't muster up the energy. Feel like I'm slowly switching off.

Thanks for all the advice, I'll definitely have a think when I'm in a better frame of mind x

My first thought when reading was peri-menopause. I felt the same anxiety but HRT has made a massive difference.

No one can diagnose you online. Go and see your GP. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Agree with the majority of other armchair diagnoses- generalised anxiety disorder triggered by a life with undiagnosed ADHD