DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

She’s in a flap because she might now have to get a job
you don’t neee to pay anything
I don’t think your dp needs to either given how much he does

More fool him. What he should have said was that she could live there until the youngest was 19 or finished university which ever came last. Then he could have taken his house back and left it to his children. She saw him coming a mile off.

Looking after your children is working.

Thank you! That was roughly my idea, based on friends' experience, thank you for confirming it's not just their case but roughly the average.

Hang on a minute. Why shouldn’t the ex work. She’s basically been given a house. She’s still a young woman. She has a partner. She doesn’t have any expenses for the children apart from breakfasts and utilities which are largely covered by the £500 a month. The vast majority of the children’s costs are covered by the OP and their dad because they buy all clothes and uniforms and do school pick ups, dinner, clubs etc.

The dad has worked for 30 years. The mum hasn’t worked at all. She wouldn’t be paying for childcare or after school clubs. So working wouldn’t cost her anything. The dad has younger children so it would actually cost him to work as they’d have to pay for childcare. I bet the £1500 a month has actually been subsiding the mother and her partner for all these years as they’re probably both on benefits.

OP stop being a martyr. If the kids are living with you, which they largely are in terms of costs incurred, then £500 a month to the mother is very generous.

I’d love to hear the ex’s side of the story!

No it isn’t.

So does that mean childcare is free? Nurseries, nannies and childminders do it as a hobby for no money?

Well certainly the ex isn’t working and never has so what’s her excuse?

If looking after your own children was working, we’d all be paid a salary to do it.

She’s unemployed?

They never married.

It’s based on his taxable income not just earned income. And not on household household income.

It’s based on the number of nights with each parent not the time they are collected or returned.

The fact that you take the children to their clubs and activities while they are with you is not a flex, it’s called being a parent .

You can’t expect the resident parent to change their whole pattern of life just because the non resident parent has quit his job. it has to be what’s best for the children, which 99% of the time is stability.

Your story that your husband has quit his job because he’s “ tired “ of working after 12 years is totally pathetic and doesn’t convince a single person reading this. It’s perfectly obvious to everyone here ( and it will be to everyone he knows) that he is doing this to avoid paying for his two children .

I know you think you are very clever and that he’s the first NRP in the Uk to have thought of this clever scam but it’s common as muck. yes it’s legal but it’s immoral.

I hope you are proud of being with a deadbeat dad. Remember he will do the same to you when you moves on to the next woman.

Once his children are old enough to understand what he has done, they will despise him for it.

As he is claiming no earned income, his ex will probably put in an appeal to CMS based on other types of income. I hope she does that and wins.

Nice and easy for him them. Let a woman raise his children for 16 years and now that they will be reasonably independent and self sufficient he wants to be a stay at home dad.

But the husband in your scenario (i.e. the OP in this case) does not want to support the older two children who are not biologically hers. That is perfectly reasonable and appropriate.

But OP's DH cannot just forget about his own financial responsibilities to the older children when he (apparently) knows they do not have a mother they can rely on.

Have you actually read the OP ? He wasn’t paying £300, he’s been paying £1500 a month for twelve years, while his ex sits on her arse and doesn’t work - neither does her partner. Know why ? Because his payments are classed as child maintenance and are disregarded for UC, so it’s more than likely that ex and partner have been living a very nice life on benefits.

And as for not being involved enough ? Ten overnights a month, all school runs, the children with them every evening after school including meals, bedtime routines when they were younger and returning them to the ex every evening, plus all weekend clubs and activities. On what planet is that not being involved enough ?

He’s also offered 50/50 AND full custody, but guess what - ex has rejected both proposals. My guess is that the money enabling her lifestyle is more important to the ex - the amount of input she has in their lives evidences that. Always assuming of course, that OP is being truthful.

No, you can definitely change your mind and pay zero when the children move in with you virtually full time. The ex girlfriend needs to get off her lazy arse and get a job. She’s had long enough to play at being a Princess.

Your DH sounds like a great dad. 🌟

That’s not an excuse. It’s confirmation. Obviously she’s unemployed if she’s never applied for a job. The OP’s husband is contributing to the household by childcare. The ex is doing nothing except providing breakfasts 20 days a month. As they’re teens I bet they’re physically getting their own breakfasts anyway.

“The whole pattern of her life” what, having her and her new partner financially provided for by her ex boyfriend; to the extent of a full time wage and a free house for nothing?

This was always going to end in four years time when the youngest ages out anyway. She should be grateful for what she got.

The government disagrees with you and gives NI credits to protect your pension. Clearly they view looking after children as an equivalent of employment.

Are you serious.
The father has worked hard for a long time.
The OP and the father sound like they do all care anyway and are barely with the mother.
The father has seriously overpaid maintenance to a massive degree.
The mother has never worked and has sat on her arse coining it in on cm and benefits.
You haven’t read anything beyond the first post have you.

Man leaves the mother of his children high and dry and he's a shit Dad and shit Man.

Man leaves the mother of his children with financial security by way of a mortgage free house and there's something very suspicious about the whole thing!!!

Poor bloke can't win.

Sounds very much like you have been over subsidising the ex partner, it's reasonable to stop that now.

It doesn't matter that you said you'd give her £500 a month, it's not legally binding, you've now thought it through and obviously your 5 children household needs those funds more.

Their household, of 2 adults who could either work or claim benefits, need to figure their own shit out. She may have to get a job or sell the house.

She's had ample time to do volunteer work in order to prep her CV for this, charity shops are soften crying out for volunteers as a starting point.

I don’t get your point. I was replying to a poster who said that looking after children is work. It’s categorically not, or we’d all be paid a salary for it.

Don’t be daft. Where has their mum raised them beyond getting their breakfast 20 days a month ?

Ever heard about volunteering work?