AIBU to say no to a sleepover my daughter wants?

[Pappybear]

DD (10) has never liked sleepovers. She wants to do them but finds it virtually impossible to get to sleep without me or her dh. It upsets her that she struggles to do them (whenever friends have sleepover parties I will pick her up early, through her choice).

She will sleepover at her cousins but that’s becuase she’s close with her aunt and knows she’ll help her settle if needed.

Dd has been invited to a party sleepover that she really wants to go to. Part of me wants to encourage her to try. But the other part of me thinks I’ll just get a phone call in the middle of the night asking to pick her up, and then she’ll be even more upset. Plus the hassle for the host parents. WIBU to say she can’t go? Or should I get her to try it and hope it works out ok?

I’d let her try.. she won’t ever get used to it otherwise! My son’s 7 yo friend slept over the other night and he has never slept out and when he tried he had to call his parents to get him but he was fine this time!

Let her try! When is her school residential- good practice for that if she hasn’t been yet?

I have to agree. I would let her try. Don’t worry about the hosts. If I was hosting and had to call a parent because a child wouldn’t settle I wouldn’t be annoyed or think it’s a hassle. I would worry I did something wrong 😂 so probably give them a heads up. I hope it goes well.

Half of me says let her try and the half says it’s not fair on the parents when you know it’s odds on they’re going to be woken in the middle of the night so you can pick your DD up.

Maybe have an honest chat with the hosts and let them decide?

Thank you, I’ll give the parents a heads up and let try. She has residential in exactly a year, so she does to start feeling more comfortable with these things. I’d hate for her to do PGL and have to leave because she couldn’t cope.

Argh! So she’s been doing quite well at going to sleep with us checking on her every 10 minutes. But tonight she’s doing the thing of stressing she can’t get ti sleep and getting really upset. She’s still awake now!

Sleepover is on Friday. I can’t send her can I???

No, you can’t. If she’s this unsettled at home (maybe because the sleepover's coming up?) there’s no point risking the inevitable. It’s not a punishment to cancel it, she’s obviously not ready. Can she go there for dinner then come home?

Whatever you decide about the sleepover this probably isn't normal for a ten year old to not be able to go to sleep without parental support.
Does she struggle with anxiety in general?
What are you doing to support her?
Maybe take this as the nudge to work on it all in general.

I agree. I feel sad for her, but you’re right it could be she’s worried about it.

I’d take her and pick her up before they go to sleep, but on this occasion we can’t becuase my son has an event that we both need to attend.

feel gutted for her.

maybe I should make up an excuse as to why she can’t go. It’s her closest pals and they’ve all been hyping it up.

So you are checking on her every 10 mins? Maybe increase the duration between checks so she doesn’t feel like she’s counted 25 times that mum/dad looked in…

Can she read quietly to herself? Normalise ‘it is ok and sometimes happens that sleep hasn’t caught you yet, but here’s a light and a book to help you settle down in the meantime …’

Has she not been on a school residential, scouts, guides camp yet? DS had been doing these sort of things since he was 7, plus sleepovers?

Agree, this needs looked into. A ten year old should not need their parents to accompany them to sleep.

I don’t know…I would still let her try. At 10, is she worried about not being able to fall asleep or is it separation anxiety? My memory from sleepovers from that age is that we never got much sleep, we always stayed up as long as possible chatting and then eventually people started dropping.

Absolutely not. I banned them eventually. There is no worse parenting experience than a sleepover..

We do all of that @AbzMoz

She normally goes off ok with us checking on her intermittently. But she has these occasions where if it goes past a certain time she just winds herself and just ends up stuck. Which is where we’ve been for the last hour and had this evening. She has a yoto and books. We try and keep calm, but it’s hard to not get frustrated when it’s 11.50 pm

I would let her go until 10 pm. I’d make an excuse to save face with her friends. Say she has an outing the following morning or something.
You know she’ll stay awake all night alone while the rest of them sleep.

I was like this. I literally felt sick when I was away from my parents. I still struggle now being away from my children and husband although I do go away with friends very occasionally. It’s a physical awful response.

Is there no way you could pick her up after your sons event. I’d panic for days before a something like this at her age. I’d desperately want to go but knew exactly how I’d feel when I got there.

It might be worth getting her some therapy now for anxiety.

edited to correct awful grammar- watching the match has pickled my brain!

Why are you checking on her every 10 minutes? What are you going to achieve by that? Give her time to actually fall asleep.

Maybe her anxiety is caused by you continually checking on her.

She’s been having counselling for
anxiety.

We’ve been working on lots of strategies with her and she’s generally doing pretty well.

Her residential is next year, and when she does scouts she doesn’t want to sleep
over. But will do the day camps.

She asks us to check on her every 10
minute. The checking is vey 10 minutes
Is an improvement in lying next to her. If it was up to me I’d kiss her good night and go to sleep myself!

Sounds v tricky.
If the time is the source of stress (I should be asleep by now - it’s 10pm) then remove the clocks? What happens if you’re asleep and she wakes up - does she wake you up to inform you she’s not sleeping yet?

Speak to the host parents, let them know she is anxious and may need collecting, but please let her give it a go if she wants to. She will never grow if she's not given the chance.

I agree with @Pippa12 @Pappybear

Explain that you won't be home until after your son's event and if she still is unable to sleep, either you or your husband will collect?

It also may be worthwhile re-assessing the constant checking, this in itself may well be anxiety inducing.

eta; I see you've just addressed the checking.

Im so torn. Part of me agrees that she should be given the opportunity, but if she can’t even do it at home???

I feel v.frustrated and tbh annoyed right now. I know she feels anxious but I feel like she doesn’t even try to dig deep and give it a go. We really gave her the opportunity this evening to dig in and try and show that she can mange this herself in the safety of her own home, but she just spirals.

Oh jeez that is definitely not normal. Dare I ask how she was as a baby, did you co sleep? Has she ever settled herself to sleep?