AIBU to feel overwhelmed when my partner keeps going out after having a baby?

[13062804DT]

Me and my partner had our DS 9 weeks ago. We’re engaged to be married. We’re both in our early 30s. DS is the best thing to ever happen to me, to say I’m besotted with him is an understatement but I’m starting to feel overwhelmed.

My partner is part of a bowling team that plays torments so he is out of the house one evening a week for practice from around 5pm to 11pm. The word cup is on, so currently every time England plays he is out of the house at the pub watching England and stays at his friends house over night (due to drinking). He, of course, is working Monday - Friday in the day so some days I’ve been caring for our DS all day, then he’ll toddles on out all evening to do his hobbies, on the flip side when he finishes work and he stays home I ask him to do a feed or a nappy and he groans and says he’s tired from working all day. He does do it, but I have to ask. I had a much needed relaxing bath the other day which had to be cut short because DS wouldn’t stop crying for me and he couldn’t cope with his crying.

I am so disappointed because this isn’t the person I thought I was going to be marrying and I certainly wouldn’t have had a baby with him if I knew I’d feel so alone after having our much wanted baby. I spent another night last night alone all night, it’s coming on midday and he still isn’t home because he decided to do a car boot, another one of his hobbies.

I think I know what the answer may be, I’m just here to vent.

It's hard to gage the extent he is out, bowling once a week and when England play (which is once a week?) doesn't seem too much.

I think maybe you need to go out of the house when you give him the baby. You said you cut your bath short as you could hear DS crying. The more you intervene the less your partner will try to help as he will view himself as incapable or that you think he can't cope so what's the point in bothering.

I think you do know what the answer is 😪. I'm sorry, I've just had a baby and I can't imagine how this would feel. You're doing amazingly. Have you got support from other people?

@13062804DT this is quite normal for a man after birth as they don't have the same hormonal reaction.

You've carried the baby for 9 months, become very attached, your hormones have been all over the place, so when the baby is born you then just carry on with the attachment and constant thoughts of looking after the baby.

Men just deliver the sperm and that's it, so it's quite normal for them to feel totally overwhelmed and often useless once a baby is born. They have to re-train their brains to think of more than just themselves.

My DH isn't always the best when it comes to our 3 kids. Even 15.5 years later he is often still in single bloke mode, and whereas my brain is constantly thinking what the kids need, his brain thinks about motorbikes, his dog, what's on TV, whether there is cold beer in the fridge...

You need to speak to him about it, tell him how you're feeling, and tell him what you need from him. One night out a week doing his hobby is fine to be fair. But drinking so much when England play that he has to stay over at a friends house isn't really acceptable. He should be able to just have a beer then drive home.

It's unacceptable to you & you are overwhelmed and that it all that matters. I personally would have also found that unacceptable, you need support right now & he's not providing it.

Have you had a really honest conversation with him? Being tired after work is absolute bullshit as well, I would have no patience with that he needs to suck it up.

Please don’t be tempted to make excuses for him like a PP. this won’t magically get better. Call it out now and force him to step up or step out, or you’ll in 5 years you’ll be a resentful mother of multiple wondering wtf happened.

the longer he gets away with it the harder it is to ever change it

Yep, that's very shit of him. YANBU. I'm sorry.

Why can’t he watch the football without drinking so much?! Surely he can watch the football and come home. Especially if he’s working during the week and then attending practice…. How is he meant to bond with his child if he hardly spends time or wants to do anything for baby.

Ok but she is exhausted by the time he is willing to take the baby so how is she supposed to go out? That wouldn’t be restful or restorative.

he couldn’t cope with his crying.

Tell him you can't cope with him being a drunken deadbeat. Keep your financial independence, and your own property, don't marry a man who refuses to parent his child.

Please set boundaries now because this will only get harder.

Going out for bowls once a week is perfectly reasonable.
Going to the pub for the World Cup is at least only going to be for a limited number of times (even if England get to the final). Can you suggest he invites friends round to watch it at yours instead so at least he doesn't stay away overnight (although you might consider that to be a worse option)?

the main issue is that he moans about looking after his own child.
Firstly you need to spell out (by giving a blow by blow account of your day if necessary) that you are not sitting about at home sunning yourself while he is at work.
When my DC were small I suggested to my DH that he took responsibility for bath and bedtime. I said this would help with bonding and allow him to spend quality time with his child, although the actual main reason was to give me a break :) It also meant I had baby free time to get on with cleaning the kitchen after dinner etc, so I could literally sit down once baby was in bed and didn't have to do housework.

Seriously once a week for a hobby and then when England is on? They've played 3 times. I cannot see the problem at all

No expectations from men, extraordinary high expectations from women = internalised misogyny.

My DH was absolutely nothing like the OPs DH we have 3 children.

He needs to get to the point he is able to parent his child so you can go out. You facilitate this and he steps up. No getting out of the bath, no dealing with it because he can’t handle the crying (ffs), he needs to learn to handle things. Your child has two parents. Both parents deserve a life away from the child for various activities, it’s healthy. Set these boundaries in place now or you will have a miserable existence getting more resentful, while his life will carry on as it always has..
ps I hope you are getting married soon, so you have more financial protection.. just saying..

Did you discuss what life would be like with a baby before you had one?

Ignore this post OP, there is NOTHING normal about your partner's lack of engagement with his child. He "groaned" at having to change his child's nappy??? WT actual F.

If you can't see the problem you need to look harder.

I typed this on an identical post yesterday.
If he’s not already stepped up he never will.
Ditch him before the resentment kills the relationship.

Don't marry him. Dont have any more children with him.

At what? once a week and 3 England games?

One night a week is fine and you both need that
england footy is just bad timing
you need to step back give him the reins more he’ll never learn to cope if you are hovering around
he likes car boots send DS with him in a sling

The best advice I can give you is to be very clear that when he's at home, the baby is 50% his job as well - that means feeding (unless EBF) changing, bathing, playing, winding, settling to sleep and walking the floor rocking him for hours if needed. And make sure he does it and tell him you're tired too, it's not a competition, you are both the baby's parents and it's just as much his job to take care of him as it's yours. Don't be apologetic, don't ask if he can take the baby 'for you' like he's doing you a favour and come down hard on any complaining.

The other things I would say you need to do is go out and leave him in sole charge as early as possible. Do it little and often if you're feeding. He needs to learn to manage the baby's needs on his own, just as you have done. Mothers don't have some magic formula, we learn through practice, trial and error. Fathers can do this too but they have to be given the opportunity. Don't allow him to be an incompetent parent - or you will end up doing everything because he's happy to let you. Start the way you mean to go on!

There's nothing wrong with him having hobbies and going out, as long as there's equity and you get to do that too. Tell him you're happy to support his activities but it's a two way street!

I say this as a mum of 5 who's husband did everything for our babies except breastfeeding! I would honestly have no respect for a man who doesn't enthusiastically look after his own children 🤷‍♀️

Did you miss the bit where this prince amongst men "groans" when he is asked to change his child's nappy?

Or the bit where he's been out all night and hasn't come back yet because he's doing a car boot?

Completely ageee with @whippersnapper55 especially

I would honestly have no respect for a man who doesn't enthusiastically look after his own children

It’s only normal from a deadbeat, selfish waste of space.

My children’s father was NOT like this, nor my daughter’s husband.

OP, do not marry this man or give him any ultimatums regarding the marriage as he could well change his behaviour in the short-term before reverting back to the selfish arse he sounds like.

Really sorry you’re going through this but a lot of men want to continue to live a responsibility-free life after having a baby as well as thinking it’s your job to do all the baby stuff because he ‘works’!

Good luck!

I think there are 3 issues:

1. his going out. Once a week for bowls is, I think, absolutely fine- though you should also be afforded time to yourself to spend as you please. Going out to watch some matches- again, fine. But he does not need to get so drunk that he has to stay with his friend, and/or is incapable of doing much the next day. He can go out sometimes, but he doesn’t need to drink to the point of being leathered. It’s not fair on you/your son (and bad for his health).
2. His reluctance to pull his weight with your DS/household chores is unfair. Yes, he is out working all day and he may well be tired. But that’s life, he has a child and he needs to take on his share of that workload. He is entitled to time to himself- as are you- it’s necessary to have things outside work, chores and childcare. But, he has to shoulder his share of the work too.
3. it sounds like he may lack confidence in being able to care for your DS as well as you do/feel you don’t feel he cares for DS well/correctly/doesn’t do it “right”- which then leads to him to back off/be less willing to do his share of childcare. Essentially, because he feels he doesn’t get it right (possibly true) which makes him feel useless and possibly feels that you are annoyed/disappointed/critical of him (may also be accurate), he then avoids it further to limit those feelings. If that is true- and I’ve seen it up close- it’s not an excuse for what is happening, because you shouldn’t feel lonely and abandoned, it’s just that the remedy is different from if it’s just that he is being deliberately incompetent. None of us can say which it is, though. I do think sometimes we make a rod for our own backs by taking over when the baby doesn’t settle etc- it can send the message (unintended/subconsciously) that they aren’t any good with their babies/toddlers and many men will back off and then they never learn how to do it/create the same bond that would develop if they more hands on. Which then perpetuates the cycle. It’s hard, but you just have to not step in/be critical/direct him to do things as you would- let him find his feet and learn how to manage. It might mean having some crying/baby not settling etc when can be hard for all 3 of you- but if you always intervene if the baby is upset/won’t settle etc, you’ll end up being the default forever.

I think you have to sit down with him and discuss how you feel, that you are hurt, upset and exhausted. Tell him how you feel and ask for changes. If he won’t listen and/or is not open to making changes, then you have your answer.